Saturday, March 26, 2005

HEY!


its tim to move on and i did! i moved to http://shibbyeh.blogspot.com


see ya there!

whee_

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Friday, March 25, 2005

things i did today:

- lotsa food at samar
- shisha : vanilla and strawberry
- margaritas & shirley temples (as hadri would approve of its nonalcoholicness)
- poledancing!

err yeah well anw thanks to hadri matin smriti timng james russell kevin for coming today and making my day impossible to forget. special thanks for the watch kevin! its really nice. haha okok tts all for now. be right back.

whee_

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Thursday, March 24, 2005

hey -


to everyone, thanks so much for all your concern and prayers, im absolutely grateful for it all. the last two days have been such an emotional rollercoaster and i truly havent felt another time when i relt more wanted and loved and needed by all those around me. thanks fo much for making me feel that i truly belonged at rjc and im really glad that im back to spend my next two years wearing the badge DAMN FRICKING proudly on my pocket. thanks for making 02 such a great experience for me simply because i wanted to much to be a part of it and everyone was so supportive of me during this time - its been really really great to have so much backing from all you people.


offhand and very quickly - ive a feeling ill mis out some names here as i always do, by accident - id like to thank in no particular order: pek junyi hadri matin smriti samjo chengchai navjote dani danial just huiwen liyana joshualee matthewlee jessica timng timyam hazmi yowie chere junsheng shang velda bridget charles walter rahul shawnchua msquah mrsperry mrreeves mrmcconnell mrsjasbirkoh mdmmasayu shummie shuting debra bernasty markbutch therbo yvonne russell hongyue krithin kennethlim amin gwenlyn melissa weishyuan mikeq kat sarahsmith clarissa..


and whoever else i missed out on that ill add on to the list soon. to all of you abovenamed - youve made a difference to my life that ill never forget. thank you so much for everything.


and to those that did not make it.. sigh. i dont know what to say i guess. its all so bittersweet. i had a very different vision on rj in my mind. im really miserable that it turned out otherwise.. i wish i could express how i really felt losing so many of my friends to different places, but i cant do that adequately for now. i guess we should all take comfort in the fact taht we all met in the first place and im so glad we befriended each other - and ill miss you guys with all my heart. sigh. i wish there was another way.. i really do. i love you guys, all of you, and nothings will change that anytime soon.

whee_

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

sigh. i spent so much time building this life that i have right now - it is to much to give up without one helluva fight. im not sure what else i can do right now. hoping and praying isnt my strongest suit. fuck everything because im just so angry. i dont know what else to say already. but please, i cannot not make it back to rjc. i cannot. ill kill for this, please.

whee_

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Monday, March 21, 2005

acks i originally intended to post properly but no thanks to MATIN *ahemahem* who generously corrupted my train of thought several times i am left with no choice but to blog tomorrow. gah! oh, thats my birthday, by the way.

whee_

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Saturday, March 19, 2005

i just watched a really sad episode of qaf. so - bad mood now.


hmmm. not sure what to say. but i guess i wished youd open up to me more, instead of letting me keep trying to get to know you properly but to no avail. i wish youd try to understand sometimes the things ive to put myself through to tell you all those things - to let you know just about everything there worth knowing. you know ive given you everything ive got - and all i really asked for in return is for you to trust me, and treat me the way i treat you. ive given up many things along the way for this friendship and i feel it getting no better - i mean it would be fine if we were properly close and stuff, but we arent, and we both recognise that. theres nothing i know about you - and it makes me feel so insecure.


but thats abt all that i have to say really. theres nothing left to talk about. between you and i, everyday i come by and tell you how things went for teh past 12 hours and all you tell me is nothing. and something happened today. sigh. what was it? why wont you just speak to me for a change instead of keep all these things in the dark? why wont you let me feel wanted and needed for once? like i could be of some use to you for a change. just that small feeling of accomplishment - thats all i ask really. i guess i have to leave you alone. it can only be for the better anyway.


maybe you'll notice me only when im gone.

whee_

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Friday, March 18, 2005

im so FUCKING pissed with myself.

whee_

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

newsflash - parents arent in till saturday because theyre in JB. semi-hurray.


that aside happy birthday joshua & matthew! 17 on the 17th is a good way to go =)


now THAT aside - i just finished watching another three episodes of qaf! so that brings me to episode 6: where alot has happened. well, enough has happened anyway, and if not for my rather tired eyes i foresee myself watching a couple more before calling it a night. sadly, the bed's a-calling. but anyway - qaf is REALLY interesting. like - REALLY. and i think the scripts really witty and hilarious - so many intelligent one-liners you cant keep up. well, almost. that said, its a good time to start watching qaf, you know will all the rubbish with balaji in the papers and stuff. although the portrayals in qaf are bordering on being far-fetched, all the same, its fairly engaging and seriously quite something youd never have seen before - well, not unexpectedly of course. theyre never going to show a thing like this over here - again, not unexpectedly. just make sure you dont watch it until everyones more or less NOT going to spring up behind you and demand what you're watching.


i guess ive plenty to say about what actually goes on in the show and stuff - i mean, theres seriously ALOT to say, but tonights not the night. i did the episodes back to back so i wouldnt have much time to think about them so.. YEAH. no thinking till the next time i pay this place a visit. qaf!


anyway - today turned out differently from what i had originalyl intended it to be like. some days i wish id just shut myself up at home and bury my head in my books. today was like one of those days, when all you want to do is be alone by yourself because theres nothing outside that door. or at least, nothing entirely worth it anyway. you know - you give so much of yourself to people that you find that theres none left to take care of yourself.


(my brother just popped out of the room telling me to go to sleep - i saw the light on in his room and i thought that he had been awake all this while bu -voila! he wasnt and suddenly, VERY suddenly, he popped back to life and told me to like, buzz off. which ill do soon enough, assuredly.)


well, yes. sometimes, you spend so much time getting to know people that you forget who you are. you just want to be perfect, you want to be everyone else but yourself. and sometimes.. just sometimes. that may not be so bad after all.


nites.

whee_

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Sunday, March 13, 2005

ok. its sunday night already - the next week is almost here. theres O2 to go for, among other things, and theres spongebob to catch, uniform to purchase, new shoes to buy, essays to do. this week is going to be a very busy week, as always, but busier than usual.


today passed by very quickly - not surprisingly. slept till one (surprisesurprise!) and did some housework here and there. slept in the afternoon. oh i ate alot today! terrible. but not as terrible as my mobile, which im going to bitch about now.


i hate my phone! the stupid 5-way scroll thingy doesnt work properly and this is the one thing that has been pissing the shit outta me all week. i cant message properly! i cant even read msges cos the stupid scrollthing has a life of its own and scrolls around the options by itself and sometimes it deletes msges even before i get to read them. i cant even scroll the phonebook because when i press up it goes down when i press left it goes somewheer else - you get the idea. i swear im going to get myself a new phone asap. which is why i asked russell if i cud borrow his upgrade cos i can only upgrade in june, which is really far too long for me to want to wait really. gah. i hate my phone. why cant it work like normal phones!!! GAH.


smritis party! okay. it was really good im so proud of us for throwing it! haha. it was really fun and watching shutter was really freaky and screaming was really liberating. anw jus for the record happy bday smrit! hope you had as great a time as we all hope you did.


ive been blogsurfing excessively lately, even reading into ppls archives. i think its so interesting to see how people have changed over time, and to be able to realise that thru the way they write. its particularly interesting hen it comes to the friends that ive made in jc, cos i get to see how they were like before i met them and how they are right now. some ppl have raelly changed ALOT. really fascinating to see how we all have grown.


jay chous damn good.

whee_

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Saturday, March 12, 2005

hi. happy belated birthday. ive a headache. theres no point sticking around - things wont change tonight. its late. too late indeed.


oh i jus rmbed - hullett didnt win track n field this year. broke the fine tradition of winning. i rmb how anxious i was last year at TnF, wondering if everything went well. and i rmb being so excited that we won by like stupendous amounts, again, and most of all feeling relieved that i didnt lose the trophy in the end. i didnt want to be known as The One Who Lost Track & Field.


but.. well. we lost it all the same. i felt rather disappointed all the same, since i was more or less the only captain who bothered to come back - initially anyway. and i felt very lost to say the least - the house seemed quite a mess. and i guess it culminated in getting third in the end . pretty sad stuff - there wasnt even a chance to do my cheer! the one tt everyone forgot i created AND the one tt won us best cheer last year. pah.


i do like the house teeshirt all the same - just wish that not only the design was a winner for hullett. sigh. i dont know why but i think im excessively attached to stuff like that when i really shouldnt. oh well. i feel very sad tt i cuddnt make some sort of victory speech of sorts. theres nothing won. its first or nothing. nobody remembers the losers.


nobody remembers the losers.

whee_

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

i just finished doing the gp essay on advertising. now theres prac crit to do - and all this has been delayed because i have had too many things to think about, and i had to do my prac crit notes too. i actually finished most of them, which is such a pleasant surprise. today has been rather fruitless all the same - wish id done more with whatever time i had. i actually came home before the sun was down and that means about 7pm and ive not done sufficiently enough to merit some sleep.


listening to blink 182s i miss you now. its ben on replay since dont know when. ive grown to like this song alot for some reason - the song itselfs the voice inside my head. i cant really describe why its nice. it just is. not the way how mariahs nice, but theres got to be something special with the song that makes me play it over and over again right. its curious that ive had the song on the com for so long without knowing it too. oh well. i like the lyrics. yeah. now i know why ive done so little work. im spending most of my time pausing to reflect on whats being sung and thinking to myself how this applies to which part of my life and why.


ive been thinking alot lately - as i always do. i miss being able to talk - yu were always my closest companion in a sense that there was nothing i didnt tell yu or felt like i couldnt tell yu. looking back i dont know why i opened up so much. maybe i did that in the hope that yu might include me in yur life too somehow, by sharing in some things with me, by letting me feel as though i was special that i was someone in your life. but in the end, im just another person, im just another friend. sigh. and the worst thing is that i never did realise that for sure till a few days back - and by then its too late to take everything back. i wonder if this is just a passing phase. i wonder.. alot.


won't yu come home and stop this pain tonight?

whee_

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Sunday, March 06, 2005

gp compre has been such a nightmare - i swear that doing pieces of work such as this will kill me one day. its just so tiring to keep thinking all the time! how does one do that! goodness. so now im moving on to this prac crit thingy - which is another matter altogether because brilliant me lost all my frickin prac crit notes that i made last year and was so proud of. so now im at a complete loss and i have to read up on all the technical stuff all over again etcetc. where are the notes!! damn you practical criticism!


on another note. council briefing thingy was today - and it was quite a terrible affair. ms lui went thru the guidelines for attire check and goodlord i failed nearly all of them. its time to get many things changed about me. crap. it was really tragic lah, by the time she finished speaking i wasnt sure where to hide myself. but never fear - i'll get down to dyeing my hair AGAIN etcetc. i swear i dyed it back but the fricking thing is fading and my hair seems to be getting browner by the day. really unfair. not like i didnt try.


theres math CT coming - totally unprepared. ms lui expects a C. lets hope we all get that at the very least somehow. i really cant afford to give more reason to be kicked outta humans or something sinister like that. you know, every night i wonder what went wrong and i never do really get a definite answer. shrug. tonights too young to think about such things for now.


today yam and hazmi were talking about what S papers each intended to do - and then i realised that we all had very big dreams and wishes for ourselves. that the fatal flaw of people like us is that they plan so much for the future that the present is neglected to some extent. after the disappointment that was the O's im not sure what i should wish for in two years time, and what exactly should i work towards.


already i have too many things to do - having more than one thing going on at the same time? its beginning to start now. i guess im glad that ive something to do all the time. i like being busy.


all that aside, being busy reminds me of you. still busy, still far too busy to think about me and how i feel. its quite intruiging how i feel much less now - more of resignation than anything else at all really. i guess the finality of what yu said - it really hit me hard and i feel the blow each time i sit in bed and think, about life, about my friends, about you. about each one of you.


if theres one thing im grateful for, its for the people i can count on, and the poeple who count on me.

whee_

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Saturday, March 05, 2005

When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain


And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain


I can make it through the rain
And I stand up once again
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain
(Yes you can)
You will make it through the rain


i always thought the song was cheesy in some way or other - not just because its by mariah BY THE WAY - but because i was sick of those inspirational song types that were supposed to work (subversively or otherwise) but didn't have much effect. that said, since the song is by mariah, it's obviously nice. and it makes alot of sense to me. lotsa things have been happening this whole week. it's much too tiring to elaborate and make a big fuss about - there really is no point.

anyway - congrats to everyone who did really well and stuff - im sure yu deserved every bit of it. this applies for O's and A's - well done dudes. hmm. i also learnt this week that i was really very very tired with many things and that ive had more than enough of abuse in several ways - so i need to get myself out of this frickin rut somehow. and ive had enough of talking about doing something about my life - its about time i actually do something about it all.

and thats the single most important change thats been overdue in my life. ive realised how unreliable human relationships are unreliable. yu give so much to some people who just throw it all away. and those who give alot to yu - yu fail to notice them. it's sad how things usually turn out that way but it does. we cant see how things are going to turn out - humans are so unpredictable. at least in terms of work if we work hard we can almost be sure we can do well - but who's to say the person yu give yur all to isn't going to be the person that hurts yu the most as well?


theres no point saying any more. what's important is that it's time to get wise about the things i do and the company i keep - and ill never forget what i heard some time back : never love a love that hurts, and never hurt a love that loves. dont anyone ever forget that.

whee_

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

and slowly, i feel the distance between us growing. and one day.. just one day. i dont know. sigh.


its time to return to school. dont know where im going to put my face. as long as i can hide from that accusing reflection in the mirror i guess ill be alright. oh dear. dont know how itll feel like going back to school. tomorrow promises to be a strange day.


thanks. everyone.

whee_

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Monday, February 28, 2005

i absolutely despise my parents right now - just because i dont show it doesnt mean i dont feel anything about my results and that i dont feel affected. it doesnt fucking mean i dont fucking feel anything okay, because i do. and it hurts so bad. how can you even say that its me being arrogant just because i dont want to discuss my results? how could you not even try to understand that the only person ive truly failed is myself? how can you not try to feel what i feel - when i see the very people ive helped get thru their o levels do well in the subjects that i tried my very best to help in while i find that my own results are unsatisfactory? how can you not try to understand the intense regret that i feel for everything that ive done with my life in ri?


how can you just say that its because im overconfident? how can my own father not see the pain in my eyes as i look away from my results slip? doesnt anybody even realise how much it fucking hurts?


where were all of you the last time i hurt badly? where were you the last time i bothered to open up? you just called it 'assholic behaviour' and expect me to be fine with it? those were my fucking feelings for godssakes, and you dare label it as something so derogatory, something so vile and disgusting, just because you could never understand what i was going through, much less make an fucking effort to figure out what i truly felt? did anybody really ever sympathise? where were you the last time it burned? why should i bother telling you how much today has hurt me? you'llnever understand. you'll never want to understand.


i hate the way you look down on me - as though i was a creature deserving of pity because i did not turn out the way the rest of your sons did. i hate the way you judge me inside your head, behind those deepset eyes, thinking - theres something wrong with that boy. i hate the way all of you judge me - as though you knew me better than myself, as though you could understand everything i felt and have gone through and thus have the right to say whatever they want to say - to slap a fucking label across my fucking head and make me wear the band on my sleeve as though it was my fault that everything turned out the way it did and everywhere i go, i hear whispers - WHISPERS - fingerpointing and eyes darting from side to side, i hear rumours about myself, stories that ive never even dreamt of, i learn that im this and im that and that im everything i never knew i was. and i learn, most of all, how much it hurts when you try so hard to wipe the slate clean but teh fucking mistakes refuse to fucking rub off! out damn spot out i say!


someday ill pay everything back - someday - every single fucking cent anybody has ever given me. every single fucking thing ive ever taken from anyone, ill pay it twice over. ill show all of you that i can do it, that i can get somewhere and be somebody. ill prove it. ill do it and ill prove it. ill show you. eli eli lama sabachthani? ill show you too, that i can get there on my own. then maybe someday youll understand, then maybe someday all of you will understand, and then maybe -just maybe - things will change. this is all so tiring, but when i succeed it will be all thanks to me, and ill make sure everyone knows that.



to those who bothered today - thanks for everything okay. i truly appreciate the concern. and when its all said and done, its these things that keep me alive.

whee_

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i need you now, please?


there is no god.

whee_

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Sunday, February 27, 2005

sigh. i miss alot of people. i miss being happy inside and out, and not happy for the moment - nay, none of that fleeting satisfaction. i miss never having to think of whether i have anybody to turn to, i miss needing only one person to satisfy all my needs. i miss having such a person. i miss never wanting more out of life, because i already had it all. i miss being able to laugh at myself and not feel as though i'm always at a loss. i miss feeling at the top of the world, because truly, i meant the world to somebody who meant the world to me. i miss being able to be completely honest with someone, and having people confide in me with no reservations. i miss being able to not be mean just to assert myself or try to make myself feel better than those around me. i miss not wanting to win everything because i want so bad to delude myself into thinking that ive lost nothing over the last year. i miss not having to care about so many little things that bother me so much nowadays. i miss being able to look into somebody's eyes and tell them i love them without feeling guilty and ashamed all at once.


actually i dont know what i miss for sure, except that i sure do miss you. sigh. nevermind.


to everyone, all the best for tomorrow. god bless.

whee_

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hey - just a reminder to everyone involved in saturday that you guys did a fantastic job and though we didn't win, have faith in the fact that we did very well against whatever irritating odds. hope this experience remains in our hearts forever as we grow old and look fondly upon what we have left behind.


very randomly, these are the things ill take away from dfeste'05:


rewriting the script at least 287623476348 times


having extended chats with hadri smriti matin wooch at cafecartel about what to do regarding the script


discussing eyebrows with nasty


ponning school to write saturday


coming to school in the afternoons for rehearsal and trying to avoid all the teachers too


not succeeding in avoiding the teachers, well, not entirely


falling asleep during lessons due to fatigue


really falling sick on judging night itself


having prata at thompson with the cast of saturday and toy story at goodness knows what time after judging


the stupid pratamen who couldnt take orders promptly


sending hadri back thru old tampines road so many times


taking a lift from matin's car


sharing cabs home with mikeQ and dropping nasty off along the way


ho ya hor drinking sessions at liyana's


taking publicity shots at liyana's


almost staying over at liyana's because i didnt have a key to go home


thanking my lucky stars afterwards that my brother had the keys


bernie lending me his gorgeous tee - thanks!


derrick lending me his wonderful airforceones - thanks too!


lamenting to vaish how i needed tickets but i couldn't get them


being petulant haha


getting told that my script would flop and get nowhere because it was doomed to fail and it was lousy


shopping at fareast for the cast's clothes


choosing earrings for the two bimbos who btw are so fricking brilliant!


finding a pair of pants for chengchai aka clifton at this fashion, where the stupid woman promptly asked if it
was for me


finding pandora pek's pants there too, along with her butch belt somewhere along the way


laughing at this silly lady who was selling ugly ties but was selfdelusional


laughing with hadri at this pair of ten dollar boots


buying my boardshorts a size too small if i might add at flashnsplash


listening to clifton and his rendition of think of me


teaching whoopi wee random malay phrases


laughing with thea about certain individuals


picking up the word 'random' from nasty


listening to kellys's brilliant piano playing


listening to karl attempt to play the piano and singing along


getting chased outta ri when rehearsing there


calling mr otto fong a few times asking for permission to rehearse in ri


hearing about how navjote got scolded for the tables and chairs that we had stacked neatly near the atrium becuase the classrooms were locked and we couldnt very well break in to replace the furniture


having to rush off for chingay a few nights in a row


learning we were on national telly


learning that someone wrote in to complain about us - haha


laughing at how strange pandora looked in goth


conceptualising pandora's tee which said vonbutch


admiring whoopi's and liyana's eye makeup


taking two million photos with everyone on each performance night


okays thats what i can regurgitate for the moment - will add to it in the time to come


meanwhile, im very afraid.

whee_

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Friday, February 25, 2005

i feel a social responsibility to blog, so i shall.


dramafest.


in summary, hadri won best actor as calamariah and i won best script. xinling of med2 won best actress and tanuj of engine won best director, and his play was judges best play too. i've no feelings other than those you'd already expect me to have. guess im supposed to be consoled by the fact that booth thought it would never have even gotten of the ground and look what happened - it won best script. but i dont feel anything. im just happy for hadri. he did an awesome job tonight and yesterday too. everyone was absolutely phenomenal. shumin liyana and samjo got special mentions too and our ensemble which included chengchai and yingsze and yam was praised as well. i think we did a pretty kickass job. special thanks also go to kelly our director and nasty the production manager, not to forget thea keisha denise clara our makeup people and mikeQ & uni our stage managers. jo and magdelene our publicity people and navjote & nash our stage crew, thanks as well.

to all the other facs, well done. thanks to everyone who came down to support : too many names here but you know who you are - thanks for the flowers, sunflowers, daisies, and mango. thanks to walter for lending me his cam for two nights and sorry for dropping i off the table (and screaming in horror afterwards). thanks also kwan rui for his tennis rackets, and the ripb whose rackets i still havent returned. and sorry to the teachers for ponning so many days of school to write the script.

to everyone that made saturday happen : thank you, we're forever grateful.


can't believe it's over.


i've been missing too much school.


results coming on monday - scared. very scared. dont know how ill deal with disappointments so close together - assuming there is going to be one on monday, which is almost certain anyway, looking at my brilliant track record.


sad to learn that hullett's third for TnF and our winning tradition will be discontinued. this will hopefully change of course.


im really tired. cant deal with myself right now. goodbye. sigh. and i love you too. you know that right?

whee_

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Friday, February 11, 2005

im so tired. i want more work, i want more things to do, i want to lose myself in all my responsibilities like i once could - and yet i know that i cant simply because i dont have that much energy to do everything anymore. i feel so lifeless nowadays just trudging here and there not being able to do everything with as much energy as i used to be able to. im really so tired now. my whole body randomly aches now and then, and for today its my calves and feet. im stuck with the script still, so thats not much of a consolation either. and chingays actually beginning to give me a headache. and school begins next week. and im going to be unreasonably busy from next week onwards - theres too much to be done with the little energy ive left. this is damn fricking irritating. i want more work, i want more time. i want to do everything.


let me, wont you?


im off to bintan then.

whee_

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

i miss su wee and su vien!


its sad sending people off.. even though sometimes you know theyre going to return. the distance really gets to you after awhile. and often you begin to wonder - who's going to leave next? in the next few years time ill be sending so many people off - thankfully at least, theres the chance to bid goodbye. its when you lose that chance that loss just eats at you. ohwell. im going to miss you two. dont forget to come home soon.


on a seperate note - i read S' blog. rather interesting i must say, and mainly because it made me think a little - surprisingly. i dont think S is wrong to want to look good and be popular - it gets rid of some problems. sometimes i wonder as well if tts all tt there is to life. and i guess that its true, more or less. i mean, if you think about it, looking good and being popular will get you to just about anywhere you need to go.


this is of course where people start talking about god and whateverwhatnotetcetc. but if you really think about it, all that doesn't really matter right now, not when we're alive. its stuff thats real and tangible tt really counts for now. and seriously - anyone can get close to god if they want to, and anyone can get 10A1s if they worked really hard for it, but things like looking good? its either you have it or you don't, and for now, that will remain that.

whee_

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im very irritated by my parents who always assume that just because im using the computer, it means that ive been using for at least 38476772 hours and that its contributing $978623694 to the electricity bill. its ridiculous, honestly. they always scold me when im on the com yet they dont do that when other people are on the com. and they also forget that i wont be home in time to use the net tonight because im sending su wee & su vien off. and they also conviniently forget that we wont be home over the weekend, thanks to brilliant bintan. which i have to skip rehearsal to go for. i mean, honestly - give me a break lah. and when im using they always shut the net off by midnight, but when my bro's using, just because he uses it on his laptop in his room and they dont see it, they occasionally leave on. and when there is a rise in the electricity bill, its presumablymy fault. what rubbish. i dont ever use past midnight - in fact i dont get a bloody chance to do that, and suddenly its all my fucking fault.


whatthehell. this is such a spoiler for the day. and theres still people to send off to australia. man. its all so fast really. i cant believe ive known them for what - two months and it seems as though we've been pals since forever. i guess loss teaches us all to treasure what we have before its gone and its too late. but is loss the only tool powerful enough to make sure people treasure others before they lose the chance to do so? somehow im inclined to believe that that's half true. im gonna miss su wee and su vien loads when theyre gone. i mean - i always thought the day theyd have to go will always be far away and then suddenly wham! its here.


i guess im just glad theyll b back soon enough in april, where hopefully life will find all of us in a better state and doing well for a change. theyre not the only people to have gone this year - wonder who's next. will it be me?

whee_

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

i actually felt like blogging something nice, long and meaningful, but i decided i cant. its always like that - when i finally get down to this screen i realise i dont really have much to say.

whee_

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Saturday, February 05, 2005

go then. it'll be just as though you were never here anyway. it's the same - don't you think so? i do. don't make it any harder than it already is.

whee_

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Friday, February 04, 2005

esplanade is really beautiful at night. the view across the bay - lit by the facade of the Fullerton. it looked absolutely gorgeous as usual. there were so many couples arm in arm, nestled in the warmth of each other, looking absolutely in love, just sitting on the edge of the bank. its hard not to feel alone - when all you see are people walking in pairs, sitting close together in the dark. its like noah's ark all over again.


i learnt a little about myself today. im losing alot of people. and im watching it all unfold before me - because im tired of holding on. i want a new life that i cannot get. the past is catching up very quickly - and its not as though i can do anything about it. its the past, and sometimes, people just wont let go of it.


i guess im getting tired of treading water.

whee_

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Thursday, February 03, 2005

guess i was to eager and desperate to believe that somewhere deep inside there was this part of you that would bother. that would treasure and remember me while i was still around. must something bad really happen before people change? nobody wants to be forgotten. sometimes it really isnt a choice is it?

whee_

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Saturday, January 29, 2005

i promised myself that i would blog since i havent written anything useful in any sense of the word in a particularly long time. anyway i wanted to question what being in rjc was all about. after four years being in relative control of my life, im beginning to get irritated with how so many things are beyond me right now. alright, perhaps four years wa an exaggeration - two years would be more appropriate. thats still long enough to get used to the fact that theres alot of things that are within my power to do should i choose to do them or not. right now i feel at the mercy of everything else. with all the auditions, interviews, everything. its not particularly thrilling at all honestly.

and another thing. ive come to realised how elitist so many of the ccas in rj are. then again this probably applies everywhere, which doesnt make it okay, really. i think it occurs moreso for sports. but then again - who can really blame them right. there is a responsibility to pick the best people to represent the school in that particular sport. i do, however, feel that it is highly presumptious to set up a cca and segregate the people who have been in that particular cca before, from the people who are new to the thing. it hinges on a very shaky assumption that the former will always be better than the latter, therefore deserve more attention.

okay - ive done my part for blogging semi-meaningfully.

whee_

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what a weird past few days this has been. so many things have happened.. i dont know where to begin. hence i shant. i guess it all boils down to one thing for me.. and that is the fact that tonight i have found some sort of consolation, and some solace for the evening. you do care after all. and tonight, i begin to see.

whee_

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

im very pissed with my parents. i want my sundays free. i dont want to spend my sundays trudging unwillingly to some weird place jus to while away precious time. i want my personal time. i want to be able to have some time to rest and take a break. i want to be able to do what i want, when i want. i want out.

whee_

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

i feel guilty for not posting. but ive nothing to say, honestly. its just very tiring, that's all. i guess ive nothing left to add.

whee_

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

i went for gym clinic today!


it was very fun! really. i mean, falling flat on your face once or twice notwithstanding, it was really quite an experience. i was obviously intending to just be the supportive audience but jenhan successful coerced me into participating eventually, and it actually was kinda cool. we did a variety of things but the most interesting has Got to be the mini tramp. now i jus have to work out how to land properly from a front somer. landing on your ass is neither pretty nor painless. in fact, im starting to ache a little now - must be a result of sudden phyical activity after a long sedentary period. and it was ver fun! but yeah i guess i mentioned that already.


anyway, the next clinics on thurs at 4-6pm again at the amphi/concourse, so be sure to be there. then again, the number today was comfortable cos the lesser people, the more time you get to spend practising and stuff. well apparently theres plans to set up recreational gym, so i guess everyones hoping for an encouraging turn out that will make rec gym come to life worthwhile.

i went back to ri today, in my acsian attire, much to the surprise of everyone. and i brought some of the sec2s over to rj. theyve really grown so much and its so cool cos theyre nearly all taller than i am now. but that obviously doesnt make me feel much better - but yeah - i feel very guilty cos i dont remember some of their faces and i can only recall a few of their names. anyway i learnt that i look less wrong as an acsian as opposed to cat high-ian (is that a real word?). now i dont have uniform for tomorrow. sadly. but its alright.


tomorrow is cca feste - which means i have to more or less decide pretty soon. id hate to end up doing what most people will i.e. sign up for a bazillion things and end up quitting them / getting kicked outta them one by one. not exactly the most glamorous thing to do, nor is it the smartest, seeing how there will probably be much wasted time involved in the whole arrangement.


i must confess that i fell asleep during some stuff today - the lunch slot periods are really taking a toll on me. and i fell asleep during lit - taking advantage of the fact that it was a lecture first thing in the morning, so sleeping might be a good thing to do. anyway, we didnt do much, as with all the lessons, so id say that these few weeks are a brilliant time to nap in class if anything.


dfeste rehearsal was pretty fun; liberating, if anything. and it shall stay at that. haha.


you know what - i think i had quite a good day today. it was nice. yepp. it really was.

whee_

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

today had been quite a waste of time, discounting the fact that ive made more headway in econs. ive yet to actually pay a second glance at the geog stuff, although i know i should since theres geog lec tomorrow. speaking of which, i probably havent complained about how geog lec comprises 11 people sitting in the com lab listening to the lecturer. that inevitably means that you cant exactly pon teh lec, even though whatever is being done may be something you already know / are not in the least bit interested in. oh how i regret taking geog now! okay, actually i dont, especially after hearing rave reviews about e.dmund kwok and his lectures.


tomorrow is the start of the proper timetable, and i must remark that i end at a ridiculous time of 4pm on monday, tuesday and thursday. i end at noon on wednesday and friday and since wednesday is officially cca day, and friday is most likely to be PW day, it works out to being the same thing everyday. of course, when i actually look back, i never was back before sunset in ri anyway (towards the latter part of my life there especially), so it doesnt seem to tragic. however, i also realised a few things. firstly, i wasnt exactly studying during the late hours that i was in school, and even if i WAS, it was at my own pace. no lecs or tutorials if i couldnt pay adequate attention or jus simply didnt feel like it. which, in a nutshell, is what i have to endure from now on even if i really want to sleep. secondly, if i didnt feel like staying back and felt like gallavanting, which would amountto me coming home late anyway, i could do so as and when i liked (theoreticaly). now, i can only start gallavanting at 4+. and that, frankly, annoys me. but nevermind.


ummm. okay. im not sure what other random things i can spout right now. oh i know! i need ID. like, legal ID. the lack of which resulted in me reaching home by midnight yesterday, while everyone else, well almost, had a grand time at rouge. im also randomnly pissed at people who are perpetually busy! okay, its not pissed. i think ive outgrown that phase already. i think im just very much into thinking now, and wondering how the psyche of these characters function. i suppose its unfair to question why some people are so busy all the time, such that it affects other people. but i guess im just another opportunity cost thats lost, and that will be that. it makes me wonder as well, do i do this sort of thing to other people? it alarms me slightly that i could very well be guilty of the same sin im admonishing people of. i sincerely hope im not, because that would be bad. i mean.. i know how it feels to be ignored, espcially for work. and so does everyone else, im sure. and it kinda feels like shit.


on that note, i think i should go and try to sleep or something. im not getting any satisfaction out of chatting to anybody tonight, and it has only put me in a bad mood, further enhanced by the fact that the uselessness of blogging is increasingly apparent. i read my diary entries last year, from this little book i kept and doodled in whenever i felt like bursting unless i said something. i could see how angry i was at everything, how i kept demanding and insisting that i should have all the answers to all my questions, and how i was frustrated by a situation which i saw as unfair. i understand now that it wasnt all that futile. i never felt any better than after writing, but in retrospect i comprehend that the true value of what i wrote lay in the fact that i could revisit my feelings anytime i wished. this of course, has been a very useful thing to do, just to see how i shoulod not feel and how i should not behave. id like to believe that emotions are something you outgrow - which might just be true seeing how as a baby we cry at just about anything and as we get older, we just dont bother anymore. but is that really so good? i wonder.


anyway, very randomly, i just wanna note that i feel like i dont belong anywhere in rj. thankfully of course, hongyue has kindly reminded me that its probably because at this point in time were all in this stage of limbo, of neither here or there-ness, since we have no cca, just about no (relevant) homework, and no house, and no everything else that has come to embody life in ri. half the time now i wonder what im doing and where im going.


but aha! i know the answer to this one. next week.. im going..


to buy new shoes.

whee_

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Friday, January 14, 2005

HI PHILBERT!!!


instead of going to hwach with the rest of my classmates, i was doing the antisocial thing and decided to go for bio lec with the S03s again. it was rather amusing because the lecturer was genuinely making an effort to be interesting while i had shang sitting on my right taking a wonderful nap, and the rest of the bio tutors were sitting right behind us, since we were in the very last row. they left shang alone, and i was sitting pretty reading sloman too. they did some stuff of hydrogen bonding and all and i was almost regretting coming for the lec because i actually found some parts of it interesting, and it almost compelled me to peel my eyes off indifference analysis to look at the screen. i think it sucks to like all these sciency things and be in humans. thank god i cant crash anymore of those lecs so i wont feel any twinge of regret from next week onwards. well, hopefully.


the next lec was econs in LT1 with j.eanne lim. it was rather funny, and for all the wrong reasons. you know, at least shes nice, even if she isnt the best lecturer in the world. she could be far worse.. like incompetent and bitchy. that would be apocalyptical. anyway she was making several jokes, some of which were mildly funny but she was laughing at them as though they were really hilarious. it was quite pathetically sad in some strange way, and i felt quite sorry for her during the second half of the lec, by which half the attendees decided that pretending to be attentive wasnt worth their trouble.


eventually she asked a question revolving around he issue of why scarcity was still a presentday problem even though the production of goods has increased throughout the years. nobody really answered her question, and i dont think anybody even realised she was asking one. so i decided to answer something that had to do with malthusian theory and wdv whatnot and suddenly the LT was clapping for me. haha. i felt really smart at that lecture. the problem with being ahead of your work, i feel, is that lecs become abit boring because theres nothing new to learn, so to speak. which is why i felt abit evil at the humans econs lec today when some question was answered wrongly. i actually thought it was funny - which is rather strange since im usually doing all the wrong-answering, and i assure you it isnt funny when you answer a question wrongly infront of an LT.


jingsong commented to me that i taught my sec ones how to pose really well. suddenly that remark seems so amusing. hes right in a sense that my sec ones have grown up alot since orientation a year ago. theyre all young men now, and some of them are really vulgar. which is quite a turn-off when you think about it. anyway, when brandon, this rugger amongst them, commented that i dyed my hair, i duly informed him that you can do this sort of thing in rj, and all the kids looked rather thrilled at the prospect. i think i probably said the wrong thing. i shall keep in mind that i should make amends by duly informing them that they are destined for a white slip should they discolour their hair.

hmm okay i ran out of random musings. ill be back.

whee_

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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

tmrs math lecture seems manageable. the tutorial as well. ummm. okay im really tired out by jus abt everything. later.

sigh. youll always be perfect to me.

whee_

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

im very tired alrd. jus to be brief, tomorrow is a very stupid day. there are no lessons but i think i shall go for S03W's econs and math lecs. today i met a whole buncha juniors at the rj canteen.. like, kevin philbert walter. in alphabetical order. ummm. i went back to ri to see more juniors. like.. okay all the debaters basically. and i saw ms tang's new hairdo, which i thought was pretty nice.

i learnt many things about junyi today and vice versa. today was realy enriching in that sense. alone time with your friends can do wonders. you suddenly feel a though you never really knew them at all before. wish i ahd more time like this for all the people that i always wished i knew better.

i need to redo my math tutorial. its very untidy.

whee_

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Monday, January 10, 2005

hmm. everyone seems to have posted more or less about orientation. i feel so late when everyones so punctual. err.. i think orientation can be summarised in a few sentences. well, basically, it was great and ennaux was great and dexuan and jojoy were great and everything was more or less great. you can go to shummies blog to see a whole list of memories that the whole OG will take away with them - the list being non-exhaustive of course. the only thing that was kinda disappointing was, curiously, O-night, because of the rain and all. but its awrite, cos we turned it into something funny by eating pizza at the busstop. haha.


but enough about orientation - suffice to say it was really a great experience with a wonderful OG and fantabulous OGLs who are so frickin nice and wonderrific. i spent the whole weekend sleeping and recuperating from the whole experience. it did get more and more tiring as the days went by, so by the time it was saturday, i'm sure most of us were half dead anyway.


today..


i came to school and had a mini emergency because i noticed that jus about everyone i knew who had dyed their hair in a very obvious manner during the hols, had dyed it back to a healthy, and more importantly, passable jet black. so i was rather afraid that i was going to be alone with my yet undyed hair. thank god however, that that wasn't the case. and so i survived another day without a white slip. i must admit i was rather surprised everyone who did bother, dyed it black though. i thought theyd jus be like me and dye it a darker shade of brown. of course, unlike me, they should not have neglected to check how much darker this shade truly is.


chem lec was very funny and boring. it was nothing new and the lecture basically revolved around 'what is a mole' and other circa secthree anecdotes. the lecturer was very lame though. geog lec.. wasn't really a lec since there was only 11 of us. econs lec was funny! im so glad jamie reeves is 1A13A's FT cos he's absolutely hilarious.


i spent the afternoon stoning and playing bridge w a bunch of debaters, in the hut beside moor boarding house, under the incessant patter of the rain. we really have no lives. when your days end at one pm, you resort the the most useless things to do to occupy yourself. then i went home and slept. so thats monday. tomorrow theres math lec. i cant wait.

whee_

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Monday, January 03, 2005

hello!

lets start from sunday. i spent the day dyeing my hair and learning the shazaea. my hair has graduated from a bronze/brown hybrid with silver highlights to a red/brown hybrid with metallic red and bronze highlights. so why did i bother to dye it anyway? to make it darker. thats so stupid, i know. but it didnt occur to me that nobody would really care anyway, so i really wasted a bunch of time and money. hence im rather sad. but its quite inane to be saddened over such things.

shazaea is hard. well.. the freestyler parts are rather challenging. im so glad i had the time, and the sense to go learn it first, seeing how its gonna take a long time for the selffars to pick it up (i think). then again we have the whole afternoon, and i took just as long. well see how it goes tomorrow.

i kinda like my og. its a very fascinating mix of people, its very amusing. i dont know why, but yeah, i love ennaux, as cheesy and stupid as it sounds. okay love is too strong. i just like my og very very much. of course id love to make some changes, but theyll only make me love ennaux more. okay, that was highly random and incomprehensible. whatever. im not thinking very clearly tonight.

saw so many people today.. it was kinda nice. i missed everyone alot so it was really wonderful to see all my friends back together again - and to ad on to that fact making new friends too. its quite a cool experience, the whole magic of orientation. yeah. sigh. itll end soon anyway, just like all good things. that, i shall keep in mind, as always.

juniors leaving for obs tomorrow. im sad. it reminds me of the time when i was younger, more foolish and more ready to believe in things just because they pleased me, even though it may not make sense, or if it was doubtful to last in the long run. it reminds me of when i was idealistic and it actually was fine, because i could safely indulge in it. like eating chocolate mousse in the dark, far away from the weighing scale and calorie-counters. that so did not make sense. yeah anyway.

its exactly a year since the worst decision of my life. i will never forget, and ill never let you.

whee_

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Friday, December 31, 2004

happy new year.

okay im very tired. ill iron out the kinks in this new template later.

whee_

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Thursday, December 30, 2004

randomly..

ennaux! brought to you by dexuan and joanna joy. haha.

oh yeah, today i heard from my psl and my ogl heard from me. so nice, we're all in touch. haha. but anyway, i just wanted to say that its really nice to hear from your psl when you're in J1! its pretty cool when you think about how the last time you really interacted was in sec one, and now you're four years older and your psl is in the army and about to leave for the states on a caas scholarship.

i think of all my psls i remember andy the best. for some reason or other, although i got along fine with the others, i got along with him the best. he's in camp now but had to go because it was time for lights out. i remember my sec one days.. and all my psls. they were shy, i thought. but they looked nice enough, and not the intimidating, forever-angry-looking sort. and they were! surprise surprise.

so now its back to another orientation, but just next door at rj. i feel sec one all over again. not that its such a bad thing.. but all the same i feel rather apprehensive. oh well.

randomly..

goodness. i cant believe im seeing you in school after all. what the hell. i really thought that you wouldnt make it. i guess you had some tricks left after all.

randomly..

i dont want to dye my hair back! i went to cut my hair today at the same place and they asked if i wanted to dye it back today and i obviously said no. but i cant keep this hair for orietation. im so sad.

speaking of which, welcome back su wee. im so glad your safe. it was quite frightening really..

whee_

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

i am extremely bored. i am so bored that i will write in complete, coherent sentences with perfect grammatical structures. okay scrap that. it takes too mucch effort to sustain beyond two sentences. but really, ive been online for a very long time, my most recent activity being blogsurfing for about, hmm, 4 hours or so. i hate the abysmal weather. it not only spoils your plans but dampens the mood such that all you feel like doing anyway is sleep and eat - sure fire way to grow fat, which really isnt the idea, im sure.

anyhow, i was stumped today! by this question that popped into my head! err yah. assuming elastic demand, why does marginal utility diminish slowly if the price of a good with close substitutes fall slowly, cetreis paribus? that was the reason i came online, now i remember. i was just so annoyed that i could not figure that one out that i decided to ditch econs altogether and come online. not that it was a very wise decision seeing how unfruitful the whole bloody day's been.

oh yes. i chanced upon someone's blog today. okay "chanced" is the wrong word. its just hard to believe were still reading each others blogs even though we've only interacted as teacher and student for one short week last year. for some reason, one entry made me realise, or rather, made me feel that i should just start blogging nonsensically. well, mostly because after awhile i get bored of feeling sorry for every goddamn thing thats affecting me and the rest of the world, and his blog kinda elucidated that, discreetly and not so discreetly. haha.

tomorrow is the big move. just going to see everyone whos bothering to come, and even that doesnt look particularly promising. if it rains.. that would really epitomise shitty. i havent worn my school uniform in weeks and it feels so odd having to finally don the thing again. i bet i cant even find my badge, which would be undeniably tragic.

and then its thursday, friday, and voila! the new year. gosh. i never thought the year would come but it did, jus like many other things i dread. but anyway, next year is gonna be very annoying in several ways, especially since it calls for so many decisions to be made, something not very pleasant. i hate having to choose, especially between two things i cannot bear not to have, or even worse, several things that i want.

i remember having the hardest time choosing my subject combi for humans. it was hell having to pick between geog and history. and in the end i just decided that i was probably more prepared for a level geog as opposed to history and so i wrote it down immediately, lest i decided to deliberate even more afterward. looking back im not even sure why im doing humans. its not that i hate the sciences or anything. its probably only because ive greater aptitude in them, which i suppose, isnt so surprising. i just wish i didnt have to choose so much.

i hate thinking that one day, the things i choose to do, and more importantly (perhaps) the things i choose not to do, could prove detrimental. reading all the econs has muddled me up alot - i keep thinking about how the marginal utility of getting more sleep far exceeds the opportunity costs when i sleep in and piss the shit outta my parents, hence i should sleep in. but in the end it kinda depresses the total utility cos parents sure know how to get back at you. then again my parents arent that bad. thank goodness.

anyway, there sure isnt any utility to be gained by staying at home tomorrow instead of waking up early to go to school. so im off for the moment. ta.

whee_

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Monday, December 27, 2004

hmmm. christmas has been such a weird experience. i really thought it would have been more pleasant.. i mean, it was uneventful, for me anyway, but i guess thats better than it being bad. anyhow im not ready to blog. hopefully su wee and everyone else in phukets doing fine. at times like this i wish everyone could just fricking have autoroam.

anyway, courtesy of mr kwong:

"
Sunday
September 19, 2004
The Observer

I remember the first time I had sex - I still have the receipt. The girl was alive, as far as I could tell, she was warm and she was better than nothing. She cost me £20.

I was 16 then and I'm 41 now. I have spent 25 years throwing my money and heart at tarts. I have slept with every nationality in every position in every country. From high-class call girls at £1,000 a pop to the meat-rack girls of Soho at £15, I have probably slept with more than 1,000 prostitutes, at a cost of £100,000.

I am a connoisseur of prostitution: I can take its bouquet, taste it, roll it around my mouth, give you the vintage. I have used brothels, saunas, private homes from the internet and ordered girls to my flat prompt as pizza. While we are on the subject, I have also run a brothel. And I have been a male escort. I wish I was more ashamed. But I'm not. I love prostitutes and everything about them. And I care about them so much I don't want them to be made legal.

In English brothels you shuffle into a seedy room so dim you can only meet the girl by Braille. But in New York last year I sat on a four-poster bed while 10 girls paraded in front of me one by one, like bowls of sushi on a carousel. 'Hi,' they would say, 'I'm Tiffany', 'I'm Harmony', 'I'm Michelle', and I would rise and kiss them. It was so touching, so sweet, so kind. There should always, no matter what, be politeness. It is the way the outside world should work, selfishly but honestly.

The great thing about sex with whores is the excitement and variety. If you say you're enjoying sex with the same person after a couple of years you're either a liar or on something. Of all the sexual perversions, monogamy is the most unnatural. Most of our affairs run the usual course. Fever. Boredom. Trapped. This explains much of the friction in our lives - love being the delusion that one woman differs from another. But with brothels there is always the exhilaration of not knowing what you're going to get.

The problem with normal sex is that it leads to kissing and pretty soon you've got to talk to them. Once you know someone well the last thing you want to do is screw them. I like to give, never to receive; to have the power of the host, not the obligation of the guest. I can stop writing this and within two minutes I can be chained, in the arms of a whore. I know I am going to score and I know they don't really want me. And within 10 minutes I am back writing. What I hate are meaningless and heartless one-night stands where you tell all sorts of lies to get into bed with a woman you don't care for.

The worst things in life are free. Value seems to need a price tag. How can we respect a woman who doesn't value herself? When I was young I used to think it wasn't who you wanted to have sex with that was important, but who you were comfortable with socially and spiritually. Now I know that's rubbish. It's who you want to have sex with that's important. In the past I have deceived the women I have been with. You lie to two people in your life; your partner and the police. Everyone else gets the truth.

Part of me used to enjoy the deception. There was something about the poverty of desire with one's girlfriend. Sex without betrayal I found meaningless. Without cruelty there was no banquet. Having a secret life is exhilarating. I also have problems with unpaid-for sex. I am repulsed by the animality of the body, by its dirt and decay. The horror for me is the fact that the sublime, the beautiful and the divine are inextricable from basic animal functions. For some reason money mitigates this. Because it is anonymous.

What I hate with women generally is the intimacy, the invasion of my innermost space, the slow strangulation of my art. The writer chained for life to the routine of a wage slave and the ritual of copulation. When I love somebody, I feel sort of trapped. Three years ago I was saved. I found a girl whom I could fall in love with ... and sleep with prostitutes with. She sends me to brothels to sleep with women for her. I buy her girls for her birthday and we go to whorehouses together. I am free forever from the damp, dark prison of eternal love.

A prostitute exists outside the establishment. She is either rejected by it or in opposition to it, or both. It takes courage to cross this line. She deserves our respect, not our punishment. And certainly not our pity or prayers.Of course, the general feeling in this country is that the man is somehow exploiting the woman, but I don't believe this. In fact, the prostitute and the client, like the addict and the dealer, is the most successfully exploitative relationship of all. And the most pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no squalid power game. The man is not taking and the woman is not giving. The whore fuck is the purest fuck of all.

Why does a sleazy bastard like me like whores so much? Why pay for it? The problem is that the modern woman is a prostitute who doesn't deliver the goods. Teasers are never pleasers; they greedily accept presents to seal a contract and then break it. At least the whore pays the flesh that's haggled for. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

But it is more than this. What I want is the sensation of sex without the boredom of its conveyance. Brothels make possible contacts of astounding physical intimacy without the intervention of personality. I love the artificial paradise; the anonymity; using money, the most impersonal instrument of intimacy to buy the most personal act of intimacy. Lust over love, sensation over security, and to fall into a woman's arms without falling into her hands.

Having an instinctive sympathy for those condemned by conventional society, I wanted to cross the line myself. To pay for sex is to strip away the veneer of artifice and civilisation and connect with the true animal nature of man. Some men proudly proclaim that they have never paid for it. Are they saying that money is more sacred than sex?

But one of the main reasons I enjoy prostitutes is because I enjoy breaking the law - another reason I don't want brothels made legal. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it desirable. When I have dinner every evening in Soho I always think: isn't scampi delicious - what a pity it isn't illegal. I'm sure I am not alone in this. Even Adam himself did not want the apple for the apple's sake; he wanted it only because it was forbidden.

As for the girls, the argument is that making it legal will somehow make it safer, but Soho has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Anyway, crime and risk are part of the texture of life. Indeed, Freud tells us: 'Life loses interest when the highest stake in the game of living, life itself, may not be risked.' Risk is what separates the good part of life from the tedium.

I decided to ask my Claudia, my favourite prostitute. I first spotted her in the street in Knightsbridge 10 years ago and was so taken by her haunted beauty that I decided to follow her. There was an air of great quality about Claudia. The faces of English girls look as if there is not enough materials to go round. They have thin lips and papery eyelids, box jawbones, prominent Adam's apples and withered hearts. Claudia looks Mediterranean - her lips are full and curly, her nostrils flared, her eyes black and as big as saucers.

She walked and I stalked all the way to Soho and down Brewer Street. No. No way. She couldn't be! She turned, and walked into a brothel. I couldn't believe it. I could fuck Raquel Welch for £25.When I ask if she wants prostitution legalised, she reacts violently: 'No way! I tried to take a regular job a few months ago. After tax and national insurance I was left with practically nothing. So I came back here. On a good day here I can take £500. I don't have a pimp, so after paying the overheads and the maid I've got more than enough.' There you are. Income tax has made more liars out of the British people than prostitution.

I know a little bit about the business side. Some years ago I became a madam and a male escort. I turned one of the rooms in my flat in Shepherd Market into a knocking shop and joined an escort agency. I went into prostitution looking for love, not money. That said, I always took cash. The women wanted company, someone willing to please at the midnight hour, and straight sex. It was nerve-wracking wondering if I was going to be able to get it up or get on, but at least I had a valid reason for liking my lovers - they paid me. I didn't care if someone called me a whore and a pimp.

So you see, I have always been a prostitute by sympathy. As for the rest of society, prostitution is the mirror of man, and man has never been in danger of becoming bogged down in beauty. So why don't we leave it alone? Or learn to love it, like me? Sex is one of the most wholesome, spiritual and natural things money can buy. And like all games, it becomes more interesting when played for money. And even more so when it is illegal.

Hookers and drunks instinctively understand that common sense is the enemy of romance. Will the bureaucrats and politicians please leave us some unreality. I know what you are thinking. That it's all very well for people like me to idealise whores and thieves; to think that the street is somehow noble and picturesque; I have never had to live there. But so what? One day I will. Until such time, I have to pay for it. How else would someone young, rich and handsome get sex in this city? Yes, yes, I know. Prostitution is obscene, debasing and disgraceful. The point is, so am I."

merry christmas and a happy new year everyone.

whee_

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

this is kinda weird. i had wanted to type in something but i forgot what. actually its more of i cant figure out where to begin. i wish there was an easier way to understand what exactly im feeling so i can put it as accurately in words. its rather annoying having to figure out what youre feeling all the time. which of course reminds me of the fact that so many people are just completely out of touch with their own emotions, its quite amazing. apparently isnt it the one thing that seperates us humans from animals? or is that the ability to think and discern between right and wrong etc.

or maybe its the ability to have faith. i certainly dont see cats and dogs congregating for worship. then again, this isnt the only type of "faith" im talking about. im talking about hope. im talking about believing that there is some sort of greater good out there, and simultaneously perhaps also believing that there is another greater being that knows what he's doing, that its all part of the plan, that this is all a test. i know now why i cannot, anytime soon, be prepared to dedicate myself to any religous cause of any kind. it requires too big a leap of faith, and im just not ready to jump.

leaps of faith.. and believing too much and too deeply come hand in hand sometimes. faith blinds you. which is why i was about to declare that as much as im agnostic, im half-prepared to half-say that i i half-believe in god. not what man says about god, but the idea of a superior being watching us from above. i do not know who he is and why im here in relation to his being god, but its a comfortable idea all the same. i mean, dying and thinking that im going to heaven is much nicer than thinking about how ill rot six feet under.

but whatever. im tired of dwelling on such things. theyre so ethereal. its just not my reality. isnt it so odd. why do we compare ourselves to people who are dying of famine in some faraway nation and declare that we should be grateful because at the very least we have food. well going by that same argument shouldnt we be spiteful that were not as rich or as good looking or as smart as other people? we all have our own set of unique problems. i just think its irrelevant to compare lives in such vastly different situations.

i mean, how do you tell an unemployed man who has to feed his family that he should be grateful that at least he was a working toilet as compared to some family in a remote village in cambodia, who may not have a working toilet, but they have everything that they really need - they grow their own food and the kids are happy amusing themselves everyday. its two completely different situations and i hate it when people try to tell me to be happy because at least i have all my limbs intact.

i dont like to look in such a way where i have to think that i could actually be doing worse off. thats such a wrong attitude. okay whatever. im rambling rubbish again. all i know is that ive had a pretty good hols in a sense that i managed to do several things:

1) catch up with old friends
2) do cip
3) read up for next year
4) catch up, to a small extent, on sleep

then again its been quite a sickening holidays filled with unpleasant realisations. like.. for example, i began to see that so many of my frienships are meaningless and that theyre borne out of convinience, instead of real desire for companionship. its all about investing in people for what they can do for you, and rarely for what they are. then again, what they are, if they could do many things for you, is useful. so its all boiling down to the same thing. ive also come to realise that deep down i disliked several people immensely, its just that for the sake of peaceful daily lives, theres always this nice verneer. but now that its time to move on to the next chapter.. ive come to see that these people can be discarded just as another memory of the life before. surely they mean so little only because they serve no real purpose in your life. theyre just like strangers who you came to know more intimately. sure, theyre friends, but i find that the real friends arent those who are around all the time. its those who are there when you need them, and those who know when to leave you alone.

and if theres one thing im grateful for, is that im blessed with a few of such individuals in my life. these people make waking up every day and climbing out of bed not such a chore to do. and on that note, im going offline.

whee_

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Sunday, December 12, 2004

okay - i decided to publicly thank shumin for her wondeful xmas/new year card. wish i could wake up to something to that nice every morning!

so heres a huugeeeeee THANKS to shummie for her card! its really nice!

whee_

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Sunday, December 05, 2004

im so tired. and im so bored. im so tired of being so bored. i could just cry out of necessity to do something instead of stone around. im dying. seriously. i need something to do. if i havent anything to do.. its just not pleasant at all. its when youre not occupied where you do silly things.. like reminisce. in fond memory or otherwise. tts why the minutes before you finally fall aslp are so shitty. sometimes jus to occupy myself ill text somebody and write a really long msg.. then ill fall aslp halfway and wake up realising that the msg was only half done.

ill find something to do lah. fuck.

whee_

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Saturday, December 04, 2004

hi.

im very tired. my blog strike didnt work. i realised that ill just explode if i dont even attempt to say something about my days. then again.. this was after all meant to document my life when i was (am) young and foolish, so if i dont say anything, its hardly worth any documentary value. then again, sometimes silence seems so loud.

anyhow.. im very tired. been busking for two days now. today didnt go as well as yesterday.. maybe cos it was so hot, and we were both so tired and headachy, and the audience wasnt fantastic. not that we were anyway. our throats were sore. we didnt even sing for two hours.. and the day before we did nearly three. nvm. preparing new material for next week.. its gonna be good hopefully.

hmm. other plans for next week.. dunno lah. things will probably come up as they always do. sigh. anyway. im feeling sad tonight. maybe its all the weariness and singing of an jing and other sad things. it probably is lah.. its so strange to be singing happy songs when you feel unhappy.

when you cant have someone who loves you, it doesnt hurt to have many who like you.

when you cant have someone who needs you, it doesnt hurt to have many who want you around.

when you cant mean the world to someone, it doesnt hurt to be someone to the world.

when youre me, it doesnt hurt to change.

whee_

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Friday, December 03, 2004

busking.

friday 7-9pm outside parago, near lucky plaza.
saturday 3-5pm outside paragon, near lucky plaza again.

next fri and sat once more, at another timeslot to be updated later.

whee_

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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

okay. last night taught me several lessons. so did this morning. i guess it doesnt matter. im too lazy to blog. ever again. goodbye then. for a very long time.

whee_

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

im rather insulted tonight.

whee_

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Monday, November 15, 2004

its been a long time since ive been awake until both my contact lists have gone to sleep. im not ready for any of the papers for this week. jus been struggling with alot of phyics and simultaneosly failing to pay any attention to the rest of my subjects. quite sad lah. only a few more papers. just four more days. then theres nothing more that i can do about my near future. its very scary because its so real. its something i didnt think about years ago. its something i didnt think about even one year ago, come to think of it. its here already, so no point bitching, and it will come to pass. and i think the moment they collect our chem pprs on friday afternoon will be the moment where ill feel the greatest sense of helplessness - because there is no longer anything that i can do to ameliorate the situation. no more practising math. no more asking krithin what the physics formulae are. no more consulting fundamentals of physical geography. no more mugging malay proverbs. no more memorising each and every effect of pollutants. no more trying to remember what the Molotov-Ribbentropp Pact was. no more quoting 'fuck to you' in every single lit essay. no more nothing. i wont feel a sense of relief that everything is over, cos it isnt. its just the start of another long and tiring journey.

another two years to plough through and make the best of. when i grow up, i want to have everything. though that wont happen anyway. one wrong step along the way.. and i could very well lose that chance. starting at the back of the pack, you cant afford to fall down or trip over your laces, you gotta keep running, and running, and running. well, in the relay that is life, this is the first lap. in a race, the first runner is vital because you need him to provide a good start. this has two implications, firstly that your timing as compared to the rest will be faster (at least for that lap) and secondly, you feel like your in a better position if youre the second runner picking up from the lead provided by the first.

when the gun blows, there musnt be any hesitation. ive always run first because ive never been afraid of the gun. but this time i am. the boom is just too loud, and its too close to me for comfort. half a second means five metres. five metres is much too far a distance to catch up easily. at the height of competition, everyones just so fast, there isnt much catching up once youre lagging behind. to do that youve got to be phenomenally fast.

some people have it better. they have better shoes. better coaches. they take supplements. they have physiotherapists. some people dont. and its people like us who have gotta work extra hard. wherever i end up, i want to be able to say that i got there by myself. i wish that right now i could have everything i wanted. but obviously thats not happening. but when i finally get there ill make sure i enjoy being there. and ill make sure everyone knows that i did it, that im there, that i did it all by myself. ive had enough of giving away credit and respecting people so much that ive no self-respect left.

i want to be the best only because i deserve it as much as everyone else. i wish there was some easier way there anyway. this ones very tiring. i should sleep. ive not been making much sense again. here and now i promise myself that i wont get distracted next year. the second runner has to run a long stretch of about 110m. its a straight path. its also the place where you can lose your lead. in fact the only the bad thing about having a lead is that you can lose it. i know where i want to go. this time i didnt stretch properly. but next year ill be ready. you bet i will.

whee_

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Thursday, November 11, 2004

to you, if you ever are here. to let you know that you'd always matter to me, no matter how insignificant i am in your life. for everything i've given and all that you've taken, for whatever you were before and what you gave me then. to another person lost. to someone else who has drifted away. to someone who i will never forget. to you, and only you.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get olderI'm getting older too
Well...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Yeah and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

whee_

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

god? are you there? god?

whee_

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"you left 15 minutes" - examiner this morning.

whee_

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Monday, November 08, 2004

It's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me

I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
cause boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you this way
It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible
If you make it that way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

Now, This is not a circus
So don't you play me for a child
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you this way
It's impossible
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)
Impossible baby
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

whee_

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this is for hongyue: HI!!!

whee_

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Saturday, November 06, 2004

i miss you.

whee_

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Friday, November 05, 2004

is there someone you know,
your loving them so,
but taking them all for granted.

you may lose them one day,
someone takes them away,
and they don't hear the words you long to say.

whee_

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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

okay. very quickly.

to the character who dispossessed me of my twelfth night AND king of the castle TWO fricking days before my lit O LEVELS, i hope you BURN in hell. amen.

ss was rather interesting.

higher malay was rather interesting as well.

it is sufficiently likely that i may not get A1s for either subject! okay, im probably being paranoid but being slightly mental during the O's equip you with a certain edge. you suddenly feel like studying. okay i dont. mugging is VERY boring. im so much more relaxed now than i was during the prelims.. that is seriously VERY scary. it is especially frightening when you consider the fact that my prelim results were not exactly particularly stellar. pah.

okay.. er.. i linked philbert! im not sure if theres anything else exciting happening in my life lately.. oh i played alot of cards today. veryveryvery regretting it now. and that sentence was completely ungrammatical. and tomorrows english. ive been mugging lit! sigh. though with great difficulty since the bastard who took my books hasnt returned them.

grrrr. damn annoying lah. okay i better get back to act four.

whee_

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Sunday, October 31, 2004

what in the-?

whee_

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Thursday, October 28, 2004

okay i just felt like saying something or other to keep this thing alive. so..

"saying something or other to keep this thing alive"

okay whatever. o's coming. must study. cannot lose $200 to jireh.

whee_

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Friday, October 22, 2004

fuck i had a damn long post which i had thought damn hard about and taken one hour of solid typing to type and i lost it cos blogger fucking screwd up. fuck im damn pissed. fuck lah i feel like crying. fuck blogger. screw it.

whee_

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Thursday, October 21, 2004

"originally we wanted 8 non-pb guys but we could only find 2 capable ones".

well screw you. and i really mean it. screw it man. this is the worst feeling in the world. well, one of the worst. you dont know how much i hate you all for making me feel this way. whatever happened during chem prac today was very interesting. i hope it happens again and again and again. i know its wrong to hate, but this is just so irritating, i cant stand it. sighs. i know its wrong to wish failure upon others but this comes from me: i wish nothing but disappointment unto you.

that comment was just utterly rude, incredulous and completely baseless. im just so angry. so absolutely angry. esp since its a feeling that i cant shake off. not with ease and not with difficulty either. its just not fair you know? sigh. okay. no. this is wrong. very wrong. sigh. i take everything back. this is so screwed up. this is wrong. just that im not in the mood for forgiving. sigh. yet the other roads not very promising either. gah.

and you know whats the worst thing? nothings going to change in rj. everythings just going to be the same. and thats the one reason why id like to go rj. because i have unfinished business. scores to settle once and for all. battles to fight and wars to win. struggles where ive to emerge triumphant. and im not going to let everything that has happened the way it has in ri unfold in rj in a similarly horrifying fashion as well. not a chance in hell. even if i fail, which is very likely, i.. no. i cant fail. not since its my last chance.

this is so very pathetic and hardly noble at all. but its all ive got to work for now, and for that, im glad that i still have something to drive me, and hopefully pull me through this shit as well; the thoughts that giving up will be giving up once and for all on everything that ive been trying to do for the past few years. sigh. this is so sad. i dont know why im acting this way either.

i jus hate it when everything i do gets thrown back at my face. that has happened too many times this year. please let it stop. ill make it stop. somehow.

whee_

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Monday, October 11, 2004

sigh.

why do i always end up being second to you? its irritating. because i know i deserve so much more. sigh. come on man. i really hate this lah. am i just always not good enough that i dont deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as all of you people? it kinda hurts to know that you people dont even think of me when it comes to all these things. sigh. what a spoiler to my night. ive always considered myself completely capable of whatever you guys can do, and yet.. i realise that theres nothing to support that feeling.

somehow.. people just think that im incapable, illdisciplined and undeserving, at least as compared to the other leaders in school. why is it so hard to be noticed doing anything right? its not as if i didnt work just as hard to get to where i am today. and at the end of everything i feel just as inadequate, because nobody seems to notice that. nobody seems to want to acknowledge that. i know i know.. jus like navjote agreed, you just shouldnt go looking for approval from the wrong places.

but i just cant help it you know.. sometimes you just need to validate yourself in the eyes of the people you hold in the highest regard and respect the most. who somehow just dont seem to respect you as much nor consider yourself valuable. and i hate feeling second class. i think - whats he got that i dont? and its not something that i like thinking about at all. esp since most of these people are my friends. im not sure what i havent done to a make me a valued member of this community.

when i leave, what will i leave behind? probably a bunch of angry memories about how i could never be as good as anyone in so many things. that i was never the best at anything. that i was never outstanding in any way. that all in all.. no matter how hard i tried to work for it, i could never be a distinguished character who was never forgotten, nor will ever be.

mr mag said, how can anyone forget azizul? i think thats easy to answer. and for that.. i am saddened tonight.

whee_

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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

thanks. it really meant alot to me. it did.

whee_

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

i remember when we had fun.
i will never forget that right now, i am not.
nothings changed but you.

whee_

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Sunday, October 03, 2004

what has become of you?

sigh. ive got to stop slipping into these dreams about you. its surprising how i can still find myself thinking about you at the worst of times. i just shut off from whatever im doing and lay completely still, unblinking, as my life and memories play out before me. then when the reel stops, i realise what had just happened. and i shut my eyes and tell myself its okay. it will always be alright, i will always manage somehow.

i make believe that you are here
it's the only way I see clear
what have I done
you seem to move on easy.

but lately everythings just been so confusing. why are so many people changing? people that ive grown close to pulling away so much and so fast. this is all too fast. why am i forced to cope with yet another loss, or worse, series of losses. sigh. why dont you talk to me anymore? why do you hide so many things, why do you keep evading and running away? why is it that this seems to mean nothing anymore? why do you seem to be so selfish?

im sorry if i wasnt born half as gifted in every way like you have. maybe in that failed capacity i do deserve to be treated in this manner. if thats the case then you should tell it to me, right to the face. i hate feeling like this - hanging on by a thread not knowing what i can do or what i can feel. ive opened up in every way possible to you and still you refuse to acknowledge that i deserve better than this.

everyone has such opinions of you, you know that? ive only ever spoken highly about you to everyone. and this? this just hurts alot. for everything, this just bloody pricks me everywhere. and i thought.. nevermind what i thought. itt seems it was never important to begin with in the first place. did you ever really care or bother? sigh. what am doing. im not very sure myself. ive got to go. bye.

whee_

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