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Copyright © vy
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Thursday, May 29, 2003
btw im very tired nowadays. i think im heading for a burnout. really dying. very very shacked. im so glad tt sch is ending soon. thank goodness.
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progress reports.
my remarks were all very good. the results are another whole matter. my average is a miserable b3.
cos of three things:
a math, e math and physics. mrs. tay decided to take the marks of the prac test which i kinda screwup. all of these three subjects i got around 60.
my malay wasnt very good either at 63. below class mean summore but at least the comments were v. good.
i wished they took coursework instead. my courseware avg is much higher... with my chem being at a beautiful 93. next week is chem. im quite dead. my mole is very very lousy and crappy. and mole as usual is a very big topic. sigh.
oh yeah, i did flunk my phys and i am very pissed off. people who have nvr done bttr have done so. i am at a crappy a2. sickening. really sickening.
and i can do circ. measure! and quad fns for a math is easy! just dy/dx evrything and dont bother to complete square. its so much faster. i think im the only one who does it. russell wants to but cos we're not really into dy'dx this year so he says better not. im doing it cos i cant complete squares. hahaha. i know, im such a loser.
for phys we are doing kinematics. which is very boring. but im getting really scared. mrs. tay seems to get pissed off qt often at 3P now. mainly because of the group at the corner near the door lahh, hazmi, andrew, tim, cedric.
yes all four of you. very noisy... and mrs. tay qt pissed. we must be nice to her. if not we get ah huat. then we are very very dead.
tomorrow got debate against rg. chere... must beat her tmr. we are proposing THW support child labour in 3rd world countries. we are reasonably prepared lahh i think we can do it.
today had parliament briefing. ive reinforced my hatred of s]pore after being briefed for over 2hrs about the most trivial of things. like saying "hear,hear" when you support what the guy is saying. ridiculous. debate is on the 16th. we're oipposing ns for women.
meanwhile im helping our MP team to propose ns for women. i really think we have a good chance of winning. i wsh i had joined MP earlier and not take HSSRP. now im so stressed trying to juggle evrything.
maybe tts why my results suck. too busy with everything else. anyway, this resolves my intention to do much better next term. im gonna do what i should be doing all the while. im much comforted by tan liang soons comment that i seem to screwup during tests. maybe i CAN save my grade after all. im gonna do well i swear. somehow. sigh... i really must.
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i am third best speaker of interhouse debates and the only non-club member in the top 5. all bow... so aniwae other than that, which i am quite pleased about, i am a debater officially now. todays session was very fun and ended with me, suhas, imran and jun yi telling racist jokes. it was hilarious. oh well. looks like ill be having way more fun in debaters than in rp. im quite pleased anyway.
its reassuring to find out that you're still valued by people. you know, like how people still think that you can do something well. you know, like truly valued for your abilities. im glad of that at least. i feel as though i belong there somehow. i am having fun. you know, genuinely enjoying myself. i like the feeling.
but i flunk physics somehow. thats what i heard. and i am super duper duper duperrrrrrrrrrr pissed. i did so badly. which is very impossible. sigh. somhow i did anyway. im praying ET made a mistake. if not. im probably gonna be in a bad mood till next week.
todays history test wasnt so bad. but i had so many things to write and at 5 pages i still had not finished and krishnan told us to stop. i cant believe how people were happy with 3.5 pgs. its so short! my first answer was 2.5 pgs. i really hope i do well.
the thing abt the test todae was that krishnan let out teh question early and gave the people time to mug the answers. so people lyk me who actually mugged, kae fine, me in particular, was damn pissed with the time given for these people who obviously didnt study to quickly look for answers. so pissed i am. i know im being very truistic but recently im being very pissed with constantly losing out. again and again and again.
hence my sudden feelings of feelind pised and all. its a whole storm of emotions within me. i want my friends to do well... yet i dislike the unfairness of everyone who didnt mug doing well as well. you get no satisfaction. at all.
i know true ambition is outdoing one's self but somehow there is no satisfaction is losing to everyone who have never done better than me before. lyk physics. people who have NEVER and i repeat NEVER done better in me in physics (lyk hazmi) suddenly pop out with good marks. marks way better than mine. what the fucking hell. what the fucking hell.
haiz. im just so tired of this whole thing. this whole notion of doing well. this whole notion of pleasing everyone but yourself. the whole notion of holding back. the whole notion of being everybody's somebody but your own nobody.
depressing.
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yesterday was so sad. i was so sad. it was as though whatever i built up all this while for myself fell apart. just like that because of somebody. i try to forget but i cannot. it's not exactly the easiest thing to do, despite people telling me (make that person telling me) i dont think anybody really knows how i feel and nobody is trying to find out anyway. its as though everybody is beginning to drift away again or maybe i'm just the one drifting.
why i love to land myself in tough spots like this is subject to debate. but it really sucks having only one person that i could talk to about this. And even so, there are some things which i cant talk to this person about so the whole arrangement is very cliched. i really wish i was somewhere else, somewhere nice and pleasant, somewhere over the rainbow, where troubles melt like lemon drops, somewhere where all the clouds are far behind me, anywhere but here.
i know i should appreciate what i have but its not easy. we always want things and i always want the wrong things. im so dumb i havent been able to break out of this stupid cycle yet. i dont think i ever will. its like, you know it will hurt you but you just want more.
i always cling on to this hope that things will turn out differently but i guess such shit doesn't exist. when somebody told me that he was jealous of my perfect life i really wanted to scream out and make it known that my problems are genuinely killing me. You cant just stack the deck and ignore the ugly.
i know that we're all here for a reason but it definitely does not include getting hurt and being dissatisfied with everything. i just hope and pray that things do change. They have to, because they cant really get much worse. rmb the old adage, when you've reached the bottom end theres no way but up.
the adage of course forgets that weighed down by insecurities of life, we cant never be buoyant enough to float atop the sea of troubles and float away... float away to a place above the rainbow. a place where we can enjoy being who we are. a place where everyone is happy.
but those are just dreams. now the reality is that im stuck just as many people are. stifled by the very people who are supposed to liberate us. ignored by those whom you depend on most. unloved by those you care for most. the world is weird. the world cares not for those who care for them. they appreciate the wrong things.
maybe thats my prob. i tend to see the bleak. but sometimes that really is all that there is to see. no amount of convincing can tell me otherwise. not until i see that the tide is truly turning.
but maybe it is. we'll see. we'll defnitely see.
i see the light at the end of the tunnel. things are beginning to happen for me. but theyre all so material. things that i do not look forward to because something else is weighing me too far down. oh well.
i suppose wherever i am its better than being mentally or physically deficient. or in poverty or something. that i can be pleased about.
whatever it is, what cannot kill you will make you stronger. one day i shall be immune to all this. one day i will not be subject to the seeking approval from everyone. one day i will be able to just be happy for a change. be truly happy and not the way it is everyday, waking up and convincing myself that it will be a good day.
sure going to school is fun but it is so meaningless and inane. sometimes we just need more.
oh well.
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damn. i am rather pissed off right now. everyfuckingbody has done better than me in geog. now i know how it feels. maybe this is why people reported me last year. so evil. but. but i can safely say now that i understand why they do it. sumtimes it just pisses you off. when you actually know that somehow you've put in more effort than the norm. it sucks.
i know im such a hypocrite saying all this. you know, with me being the biggest spread the answers activist but i dont know. maybe this is the time i see the light. i know i know, dun try and get smart azizul but it just feels so fucked up sometimes. so terrible... so... i dont know.
it feels really weird. i keep telling myself that it isnt wrong because i want the same to be done for me but sometimes i really wonder if it will be the case. in fact it rarely is so i wonder why i even bother.
i refuse to be pissed aniwae. not for now. some ppl are just born dumb lyk me and cant seem to do things right. gosh. im so envious of everyone! why did everyone do so well?!
it so isnt fair. it just isnt. but i really shuddnt make this a big issue so i shall STOP IT. kae there i have.
aniwae i topped the level for the geog ilearning assignment. i whooped sergius' ass by like 5 marks. hahaha. i got 27/30... masayu told me i wud have gotten full marks if not for the length of my essay. darn.
today got back english. i got 35... upon 50... =( very very bad. but at least i beat sergius. by one mark hahaha.
phy CT coming soon im off to mug now. i cannot afford to screw it up lyk my last CT. my aim is definitely an a1 no less.
chem i will screwup next week so nvm. Lit test is tmr!!! horrible.
sigh
ill have to mug this whole week and all. and a mugfest this wkend. terrible.
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oooh i was best speaker today by unanimous decision im so happy. but sadly we won by 2-1 only. darn. we're meeting bayley this friday. interhouse debates it turining out quite fun i must say. haha. i hate quah seok whee. bitch.
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matrix was so hilarious. but the fx was fuckin good... but its ending is so evil... now we have to wait 6 mth to find out wad happened. bummer...
busking yesterday was funny. i took an mc purposely to get rid of my duites to busk with rp. but then i went anyway and was caught by seok whee. and forced to stay with rp. but then i waws running around all over the place to busk with other grps then quah got pissed. and i was shoo-ed away with the excuse that i was distracting the rest of them. how lame can seok whee get man.
but aniwae she threatened that if i go then i wont get any hrs for busking but stupid bitch 4got that other grps will give it to me if i ask. stupid fucking bitch. i hate her. fucking bitch.
enough abt that bitch already...
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hello...
tmr is geog. stupid tudung head. i dunno how to mug 120pgs of notes in a night. gross. evil tudung. evil evil tudung head. emath was terrible. quah was terrible. today was terrible. gross gross day. terrible. i hate today.
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gosh. i dont know why im so pissed. very weird. all of a sudden. wad is wrong with me...
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i dun wanna talk about malay today cos im very sure i scrwed up the paper two. and listening compre. my proverbs all i got wrong. and bina ayat at least two wrong. and a zillion other mistakes that i dun wanna talk about.
wad i wanna talk about is how i read a blog and found this new term called "funk dancing". interesting. so thats wad the scouts/redcross/stupid idiots call the sweeping-the-floor motions. so dumb. at first fine, i admit it was quite intersting but when everyone does it, it becomes irritating. especially since its nvr new. all dances arre just paraphrasing the dance before and maybe an extra gesture or two or stupid-looking action or some.
so stupid. THATS why me and my class will buck this trend this year. the sec 3 classes have been invited to put up an item for teachers day. my bet is that 3/4 of the classes and other people performing too, will do a "funk dance". pretty obviously my class will not do the same and prove otherwise that these "dancing" is indeed very lame after awhile and uncreative.
bleaurgh. this is sick. im feeling sick. everything is sick. bloody sicko world we are in. funk? dream on. take up my challenge scouts, and come up with something creative. something fresh and new, and maybe ri will have a second look at you knot-tiers. i can see leg kicking at any disney on ice. you are scouts, prove yourselves.
kae tt outburst was very necessary so very sorry to all bruised egos out there. but while you nurse your wounds, please consider allowing some creative licensing to yourselves.
kamu sepihak mesti menggemblengkan tenaga untuk meruntuhkan tembok fobia bereksperimentasi dengan cara baru menjoget dan menghapuskan mitos bahawa pihak pengakap adalah kumpulan yang amat membosankan. Dewasa ini, kamu hanyar melestarikan mitos ini. Tanpa memberi perhatian yang sewajarnya kepada isu yang saya telah mengutarakan, kamu tidak akan keluar dari lingkahan ini.
so there.
but aniwae we went to matins house today to cook pasta and watch crossroads. then i accidentally ate a sardine currypuff and i puked. really disgusting.
to the scouts, besar harapan saya bahawa pihak pengakap dapat menangani masalah ini dengan segera dan mungkin sebuah peralihan paradigma antara pihak sekolah akan terjadi pula. Fikiran kanyiar bahawa pendapat saya kurang siuman hanya menjejaskan prestasi pengakap yang kononnya amat tinggi.
tidak boleh dinafikan bahawa ramai pengakap mempunyai ketrampilan dalam mengikat tali, tetapi apa yang mesti dititikberatkan adalah kepentingan menghapuskan mitos "funk dancing" sebagai sesuatu yang amat "hip" dan "cool". Natijahnya, pengakap yang mengikuti kelaziman yang sememangnya kurang siuman ini adalah orang yang bodoh, bebal dan bongok.
saya tidak suka pengakap!
there. dun ask what i just sed. its not very rude. i was praising the scouts for being very good at knots...
oh yeah, to a certain someone, thanks very much for telling sergius that rp is very gay and most members are gay as well. thanks ah... very appropriate discription of your own cca-mates. very accurate i must say. it delineates the situation very admirably.
bummer...
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omg tmr is malay/chinese/tamil. terrible. we shud all be sitting at home quietly mugging v. hard but wadeva lahh. im v. tired, maybe ill just go mug the dictionary. and read thru the proverbs again. i got abt 40 more to memorise i think. so dumb.
omg i just lost 350 acres of land in utopia. omg this is terrible. i felel like crying. stupid sluts. all bigger than me and attack. so f-ing rude... haiz...
kae i think i cant really blog right now. not in the right state of mind to talk. just very very tired. very very tir zzzzzz............... *snore*
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**AMI:2 Review**
Theme: Bee Gee
Guest Judge: Robbin Gibb
Joshua Gracin - Jive Talking
Clay Aiken - To Love Somebody
Kimberley Lock - I Just Want To Be Your Everything
Ruben Studdard - Nights On Broadway
Second Performance:
Joshua Gracin - To Love Somebody
Clay Aiken - Grease
Kimberley Locke - Emotions
Ruben Studdard - How Can You Mend a Broken Heart
Four singers fighting for three remaining seats. This could get nasty!! If they're as determined as they were last week, I have a feeling all the chairs are gonna end up broken into tiny bits.
Once again my first thought was another lame theme and corresponding judge. Then after the BeeGees intro I was really kicking myself. This show highlights the best music from the last 50 years. I keep wanting "relevant" people who are still in the industry, but we're getting the people who have defined the industry. I don't know where my head was, but I have an idea. Especially after Neil Sedaka and now with the BeeGees. We couldn't ask for better songs, really.
Josh starts us out and I'm already guessing since Clay was the final singer last week, Clay will follow Josh, then Ms.Locke, and finally Ruben. I won't keep you in suspense. I was right. I'll group everyone's songs together by singer, not spacing them out for convinience sake. Anyway, Josh scurries out first and quickly makes his way through the crowd singing "Jive Talking." Um, what are you doing? That's only allowed during group performances to make the kids look hip. To me it only half disguises the fact that Josh picked a song that required no effort and now he just kinda looks silly and rushed. You really don't pay any attention to the song at all. The main group of judges said Josh is back; Simon basically said "so what" again.
Josh's second time around, he sings the same song Clay sings his first time up, "To Love Somebody." I'm in some sort of time warp now, since I haven't seen Clay's performance yet. I have to say it is Josh's best performance to date. It is smooth, easy, and perfectly styled to Josh's Country side and he delivers it beautifully. This is the performance he owed Trenyce for last week's debacle. The judges all agree and give credit where credit is due. Its his best but not to my standard im afraid.
Clay's first time around he sings "To Love Somebody" but in a way only he can do. It's gentle, powerful, and magically flawless. He looks sharp in his suit and delivers the song without any dramatic flare. He is, well, very good. All the judges rave and Simon declares it one of the best in all the shows he's done so far. Clay seems genuinely surprised that Simon was happy. I suppose one never knows whose side Simon is on.
The second time out, Clay has a sporty red leather jacket on with matching red tennis shoes and begins belting the title song from "Grease." It's going great until, what was that?!?! Clay shook his skinny boy pelvis and then did it again three more times during the song. It was a riot! Depending on whether or not you like Clay will determine whether or not it was appropriate. He sang the song perfectly, but the skinny booty shake really was a huge distraction. It was entertaining, I will say that. Randy enjoyed it the shake. Robin didn't seem to like it, but still liked Clay's voice. Paula was ready to leap out and hug him, you could tell, but that's no surprise anyway. She did make a great point about showing humility and not taking one's self too seriously. Her comment did put it in a nice perspective. Once Simon finished chuckling, he called it horrible. Aparently he didn't like the skinny boy booty shake. Well, you can't win 'em all. And just to throw in my opinion, it was quite gross. hahah...
Kimberley Locke led her songs off with "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." To be honest she wasn't my everything. I think the song choice was bad and it wasn't her fault but the background vocals were too loud and drowned her out everytime they chimed in. She was just kind of bland. But she looked dynamite! The best I've seen her. The main judge consensus was good, but said she's done better.
Kim's second song "Emotions" was the perfect choice for her but I think she faltered with that one too. It started weak, had a strong chorus, but then she really mucked up the end. I supposed it sounded okay, but all her vocal gymnastics at the end just didn't flow together. She's my favorite, but she's definitely capable of better. The lesser judges all praised her, but Simon said it was not her best night. Way to be honest Simon. Im really afraid for Kim this week...
Ruben's first song was "Nights On Broadway" which was nice and upbeat. Definately a good choice for him to keep things varied. He sang it okay too. I liked it. The judges all raved once again. No surprise there. But his second song, "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart " was incredible. I gained a new respect for Ruben after that one. It was heavenly. Seriously. He nailed it. And of course the juges threw every possible praise at him and deservedly so. He was fantastic.
Bottom Two- Kimberly & Josh. Of couse that's pure speculation. Anything could happen. People are still mad at Josh. Kim had a weak night. Clay tried to dance. And Ruben was in the bottom two last week. But one constant seems to hold for the ousted one. They all have survived a poor performance then the next week when they redeem themself and sing really well, they get booted. Bye Josh. Dont you dare boot Kim Locke you dumb Americans... !!!
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oh god i cant believe i said that. i feel guilty already. but i really am tired. of trying to mug, so wadeva. fuck a math, fuck tan liang soon, fuck this test. *sigh* i am going to fail it or at best pass it. so wtf aniwae.
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gosh... a mth test is barely 12 hrs away and im busy wasting my time away idling online. i noe im really asking for it, but its not as if i didnt try. im just much too tired to do anything else. im so sick and tired of trying to study for so many things when clearly, there are too many tests compressed in2 this fortnight. its so obvious that this will hamper our efforts and even if we try harder, we only fall harder. so my policy tonight is, dont mug. bsides im just too tired. waaaaaaay to tired to give a damn anymore. im just gonna give the test a good shot tomorrow, and hopefully my stronger topics will save my weaker ones. Amen.
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this is mad. i have malay this weekend. amath this wednesday. emath next monday. geog next tuesday. so many things to study... so little time. but ive learnt how to differentiate and integrate so im very happy (thanks go to matin). i also learnt how to synthetic divide. now all i need to mug is: functions, functions graphs, log graphs, exponential graphs and remainder factor. and a whole buncha other things. really need matin to go thru them with me again. my algabraic manipulation is really down in the dumps. i can only be saved by my trigo.
emath, got a whole buncha other things but as usual it boils down to algabraic manip. and only circle and angle props. can save me. and maybe kinematics and abit of variations, which is getting irritating because it is getting very algebraish. =P i hate algebra. boring shit which is so confusing. im quite dead for the tests lahh dammit. im so pissed. so many things to do, so little time.
and im planning to join GE to spite that quah seok whee bitch. she refused to let me busk with GE on the 17th because rp is my core. so im gonna make GE my core too and busk with them, to hell with RP. to hell with Quah Seok Whee. i hate that bitch. she let hu lin off but not me. why? cos scts is also his core. fine, she wants to play this game i can play it too. by hook or by crook i WILL become a member of GE and i WILL busk with them, in this life or the next. i hate this discrimination man. shes evil, she is.
sigh. im quite tired of this already. will blog tmr i guess. byeee
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i hate josh. f*cking shithead. he's last yr's nikki mckibbin. cant sing but keeps coming back. f*ck man.
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is it safe to post here yet?
i am so fucking pissed with americans. trenyce? out? such f*ckers.
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