ennauxicated

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

i changed my mind. feel like blogging again. some things just came to mind. i am so frustrated with alot of things. im gonna just crack under the pressure im putting on myself soon. this is horribly annoying. mike asked a very interesting qn, something to the effect of why do i always feel that i have to be on the top of things, the best? thats really quite a good question. im not very sure i guess. maybe it has alot to do with the fact that i have been a loser all my life and i hate the feeling. and as i sed, nothing less then the best will suffice. i dont get satisfied. i suppose getting gold or being the head of something gives me something to be proud about. some security as to my self worth. im a very insecure person lahh, possibly with good reason or possibly w/o.

the need arises from there all the same. "i just wanna be liked, wanna be funny" - My Stupid Mouth, John Mayer. i guess that really kinda floors me. the fact that this need to feel important is what my life is abt. my self esteem is like horribly non-existent and as a result i need something superficial to build my life around. i guess, until i find that sort of assuring security, i will just be as is. haha.

but as i sed earlier to audrey, im learning to be a spectator to my life, the 3rd person whos able to step out, look at myself, and laugh. i guess ttz the true meaning of life, being able to appreciate it within and without, no matter how stupid we look trying to live it. we only get one shot, so for the heck of it, go all out and make a fool of ourselves. ive already done that alot anyway. haha.

whee_

i am such a loser.

+ a math test: sure to fail. screwed up the discriminant parts quite badly. think i got the first one correct but the second one... well nvm. hopefully can squeeze out a mark from it. then circular measure. i think i did everything correctly but it seems as though the whole class got different answers so im gonna shut up and pray for deliverence. sets. argh. dont even begin. i got lost just drawing the fking venn diagram. was so frustrated that after the test i went outside 3M and yelled at the top of my voice "yaksy sucks!". she came out btw, looking for the culprit but didnt find me. why? cos she was so stupid she went to look for him in 3Q and R. hehz.

but anyway:

+ PE was great as usual. floorball is just so fun! did quite well as usual haha. getting abit irritated tho, cos i use other ppls shoes for PE and their so big, my toenails always get caught in them when running, very annoying and painful. but who cares. it was damn fun today.

+ physics. i said it before ill say it again, please guys please do not at any costs piss mrs tay off. im so angry at maxwell and cedric! they had no business playing the fools during lesson and punching one another. please lahh guys, you are 15 year olds! have some common sense! please lahh, seriously please learn to behave! we cannot lose mrs tay, please! dont ever fight again during lesson and dont let it emotionally involve mrs tay and maxwell dont you be rude anymore okay? please try to understand her position. please try to shutthefuckup during her lesson. shes like our nicest teacher lor, dont do this to her, nor stab the class in its foot. do you want boon huat next year? I DONT.

+ argh i have lost my mood to blog already. oh well. and its really amazing how people chance upon my blog. heh. google is really amazing huh? and scary too. and before acs people get the wrong idea, im not denying that we lost to a better team but you know, whenever you lose, you do tend to get pissed. so heres a sorry yeah? a genuine one at that. hehz. hope to meet you people again in VC's.

+ oh yeah as i juz found out from keith, our favourite, bestest, coolest, funkiest pal (no prizes guessing who) pissed mrs tay off too. the other time, 3T had was gonna have a free period next and this fella was so happy he was prancing around and making alotta noise. and mrs tay was in class as it was her lesson. so she was waiting there and this guy was still making alotta noise and stuff and mrs tay got v pissed off. stupid b*stard. oops! i meant: what a cool guy man... dont you just love these sorta obnoxious sob's?

whee_

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Tuesday, July 29, 2003

lets have a run-down of today so far:

+ started off on a good enough note. had lit, where mrs maas fed up some cup-cakes which were very nice. her mom baked them, and she promised she will go learn how to bake them as well, so she can make some for us. i had a few helpings. =)

+ e math test. i spent an hr yesterday doing co-od geom, which i though was going to be a big topic. sadly, i was mistaken. linear law, the one thing i could not do, was a huge topic. abt 12 marks, and i couldnt do one third of them. and my graph was screwed up; my gradient was absurd, and i couldnt do the part b either.

+ i got full marks for the co-od geom section though, and i was darn proud cos hongyue and russell couldn't get it. i really have to thank sri (raghu, george bush etc.) for teaching me how to do the stuff. i owe my marks to him. hehz.

+ geog was funny, we went through a ppt on tropical cyclones in 3Q cos the projector in 3T was malfunctioning. did alot of copying notes and ttz abt it.

+ had malay after that. had a damn difficult test. i think i completely flunked it. was super stumped at so many parts. sighs. my malay is going down the drain.

+ had physics last. went through some presentations, our mmp extended to next week. yayy! mrs. tay is just so super nicee. i feel so bad sometimes when the class thinks shes a pushover and makes alot of noise. im no saint either but i do make it a point to keep generally quiet during her lesson. shes just so darn nice, losing her would be a suicidal move.

+ went for lunch with a whole buncha ppl at macs. the 156 was in kfc so everybody kinda avoided it. after tt went back to school to do some math. played some guitar. hung arnd chatting for abit. and took a lift home from sri. quite a slackish day really. gonna hafta mug for math later. maybe some sets and quadratic functions. my circular measure is fine already so ill do some revision tmr morning only. promised to go thru with keith.

+ today was an average day. 'cept tt afew things set me thinking. but i just realised something, since my life is already so screwed up, it kinda cant get any worse, so the only way now is up. i wont stop trying i guess, maybe its an inborn loser trait in me, ya noe, keep trying even though its doomed to fail. lyk wadeva. im not gonna care what people think anymore. if they think im not up to it, to hell with them, not that they are anyway. ill just have faith that others still have faith in me.

+ my love goes out to everyone who gives a damn if i lived or died. nothing else will matter for now. hell, take everything away, lemme keep my true friends and ill survive. hey, i really love you ppl, all of you, but heck, if you dont care abt me i cant help it, so what. at least im giving more than im taking, like it has always been. ill never forget the people who have made a difference to my lives and i hope that at the very least, im remembered as well. though the legacy i leave, on paper, sucks, i hope ill leave enough love to go around.

+ so anyway, id better get going. bathe, eat, study, study. study. i really wanna try to pass this time. wish me luck =)

whee_

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Monday, July 28, 2003

from me to me:

God. God.
Is there a sorrow greater?
Where shall I find harbor in this world?
My voice is hurled far on a dark wind.
What has God done to me?

—Oedipus, Oedipus Rex

and from maxine: (i quote her "i have a quote fetish")

The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn; the bird waits in the egg; and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs.
Dreams are the seedlings of realities.

—James Allen, 20th Century writer and philosopher, from "As A Man Thinketh"

Friendship is the joy, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring all right out as they are, chaff
and grain together, confident that a faithful, friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.

—George Eliot

whee_

wow. so many things have happened, so many things to say, so many emotions, so many thoughts that i genuinely know not where to start. lets start from friday, the day it all began...

+ i came to school and the first bad omen came. i discovered i had lost my sch shoes which i had left in sch over the two day holiday. i was furious. esp. since it was very darn obvious that the franklys (i.e. cleaners) were responsible since they were the only people who had the keys to the classrms (other then me) and thus they were the only ones who cud have stolen my shoes. they're seriously going ta pay. pay very badly. it really made my day rocket all the way to the bottom but i held on to some hope still.

+ my sky came tumbling down later during physics. we had gotten a measly silver for syf '03. i was shattered. all the work, the late nites, the blood, sweat and tears (literally and figuratively). everything, gone down the drain. all that ive put up with for the past 7-8 mths, all gone just like that. it was a horrible feeling. i felt as though i had lost everything. it was more than just an award to me, it was supposed to be a testament to whatever we had been working for the past three years, everything and more. but i told myself, its okay. i have two more golds to chase nover the wkend.

+ i woke up on saturday feeling recharged, both physically and emotionally. my spirit was back, i wanted to win something for RI, somethin for everyone who has ever placed faith in me. i wanted to show everyone who tot i wasnt worth a second look that they made a mistake. i wanted to win this for my friends, my team mates, chens, everybody. i don't think i did badly, chens gave me a 76 but it wasnt enough obviously. somehow, somewhere we screwed up. i didnt POI enough for one. sighs. this is all so painful to relive. i remember, during the deliberations, i was in fervent prayer that somehow, we had won. but we were defeated, 5-nil. it was armageddon once again. but i didnt lose hope entirely, i held on to the faith that told me we could win it on sunday.

+ i went back to school for open house. spent my time walking around with hulz. kept quiet mostly. tried to be happy but cuddnt entirely feel pleased about absolutely anything. he did a gd job of trying to cheer me up but as you noe, with extreme cases, it is quite hard. nevertheless i was cheered up abit by his precense and everybody else telling me tt it was okae. so i went for malay debate (bahas) prep feeling semi-ok. i was determined to win the next day.

+ i woke up on sunday feeling good. i had this vibe going, i told myself, hey im gonna win it. when the debate started, it was obvious things were not going to go our way. imran screwed up, and tt doesnt happen very often. but aniwae, our content was far more superior, but they beat us on style, and only because their command of the language was better. sighs. but our team tot that our content could pull us through, but it didnt. we had lost. we were being comforted by ppl who reminded us that we were the only sec3 team in the tourney and we had lost by a few marks, but it didnt work for me. i wanted the gold. and again, for the 3rd time in three days, it slipped out of my hands. we lost to bukit panjang.

+ a lot of other things happened as well. things that i cant really write here. but anyway, just the gist of it: i feel very alone now. the feeling you get when you have to choose between two people and you lose the other one forever when you choose one of them. then u discover that maybe u didnt make the right choice. or even if you did, its not gonna work out nor amount to anything. lifes very confusing right now. i wish somebody could tell me what to do. could whisk me away to somewhere where everything doesnt matter no more. but ttz so unrealistic. just like all my dreams of being someone who would make a difference.

+ but heck lahh. i cant just give up like this no matter how much i'd like to. i gave up, technically, a long time ago, but secretly been praying for some sign that things are gonna change. i guess ill keep holding on to that slim hope, even if it doesnt exist. for everybody's sake, ill move on. just that this is going to make me one helluva lot more resentful and cynical of life. i cant just keep being happy at this rate. one day, i might just break down in front of everyone again. sighz. this is all very hard. but i gotta keep moving and going. i dunno what ill do if i couldnt drown myself in work. id prob dwell even more in my depression.

+ id better get going now. got emath test tmr. haiz. failure in sight. cya people den.

+ next blog entry id better start planning for the future, if i have any. must prepare myself for the worst. dont wanna end up like what i am faced with now.

whee_

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Friday, July 25, 2003

+ stuck in school now. debate prep. my prop case is quite flawless i think, just must work on delivery. my opp case is only 3min, and im very scared i mistructure my rebuttals. asking jon to run thru my case now. hopefully everything works out tomorrow. we really must win. cant imagine anything else

+ kae i really cant blog much now. all the best to everyone.

whee_

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Wednesday, July 23, 2003

~ abit of good news first: i finally got a script from hullett! bless you ronald! its not bad summore... yeah man, this is the way to go~ ive given the houses an unofficial extension till next monday 'cept for morrison who "dont need it". so all you people please work ya asses off to churn out gd stuff by monday ya? thanks a real whole lot =)

~ PPP at akesh's was quite fun. it was really funny watching our performances onstage. realise that i looked quite... er... weird onstage. and akesh's mum is so nice! and her brownies are SO great. next year's PPP will officially be there at akesh's again. no two ways about it. i want more of the brownies! argh.

~ man ill really miss everyone next year. all the sec 4s. the girls. sighs. so sad to see them go. have really grown quite close to everyone. oh well. life goes on, no matter how it sucks. it has got to go on as it always does. on and on and on. and on.

~ this week is maddening. i'm aiming for a triple gold week. syf, hwa chongs and berita harians. den ill end the week on a supremely happy note and next week i would be free to start doing hw. haha. still got 2 weeks worth of work undone. and a math and e math CTs next week. im very dead but who gives a fuck. three golds is really something.

~ kae i better get down to typing out my case now. chen siong will kill me at the rate im going, its not going to get done by 12. which is when i have to leave cos im having lunch with hulin at 1, den debates in both languages till 10pm tonite as usual. its the last mile left now so im gonna give it my all. at the end as i reflect on my three (praying hard) golds, the effort would seem to have been well spent.

later den.

whee_

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Tuesday, July 22, 2003

i was bored and depressed and whats more fun then doing stupid quizzes and laughing at the results.

What rating is your journal?
brought to you by Quizilla

asshole
your asshole.

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

YOU HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS!!!

what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

HASH(0x87a17e0)
borderline

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

whee_

btw on a slightly lighter note, id like to say that acs (i) debaters are annoying. this joshua hiew wanted to appeal to the adjudicator after we won the debate against them and he though that he should have been best speaker not suhas. well, hes really an interesting character who gives POIs in a very loud voice as though hes very important. on the floor hes still very annoying and off the floor hes damn irritating as well. then theres that aditya hanan (or somthing) character. his pants are halfway down his butt and it looks damn stupid but ttz the way acs wears their uniform so why complain. but hes not tt bastardy like joshua hiew. then theres micheal thng, whos in developmental team but stutters on the floor after somebody POIs him. he got lost in his substantive, as in, compltely lost and it was so obvious. at least when i got lost it wasnt half as apparent.

yeah, we're all out to thrash these people on saturday.

whee_

i am going to whine today, as usual. if you dont wanna read my whinings, leave. =)

i am tired. completely tired to the max. drained both physically and emotionally. im really just so tired working. but its the only thing i can do to keep my mind off the state of things and the true reality that is. i ahvent time for myself, because all my time goes to everybody else, trying to make their lives easier and more enjoyable. nothing seems to go my way these days. my life is going ridiculously haywire and all over the place. and trying to get it back on course is, well, a daunting task that i myself am too afraid to set out on doing. its too tiring and im tired of trying already. might as well let it go off the yellow brick road and to the forbidden forest.

yesterday was interesting. the prospect of joining rugby back was dangled in front of me by the ruggers who said that they could do with me back. and that set me thinking. why did i quit a cca, which until now, mantains that they need me, or at least that i am worth that sorta trouble? why did i quit it for rp? with the benefit of hindsight now i really wonder. i quit rugby on a very rash decision, because there were some changes in the management which i was not happy about. and also because i wanted to join my "frens" who were in rp etc. etc.

it took me 6 mths to officially get out, and rugby never stopped trying to keep me in. would rp do the same? i guess it was all supposed to make me see and realise that maybe i was making the wrong decision and not thinking clearly, but at that time it seemed as though i had made the right decision. at that time at least. and now, they want me in again. could this be a sign? a way out of my problems? i really dont know. this is all coming at a very bad time when i really could do w/o the additional burden of having to make this sorta decisions. because i cant.

im trying to find some sort of comfy denfensive stance where i can safely say i joined rp for myself and nothing else. but sadly such a stance doesnt exist. i just realised that i did not make the decision with regards to myself, but more of other people, as always. and now, once more as usual, i am at a loss. i wish i could just sit down and dream and doze and ignore everything that is going on and pretend everythings alright, but the whole rp thing has set these rusty ol' cogs and wheels in my head grinding once again.

i have always been able to move on to something else if i cannot find fulfillment in something that i am doing. but now, i simply cant do that. i mean, i joined rp for some reason, and i know that. however i cant find that reason anymore. there really isnt reason enough to continue, or at least i think it so. and i feel so sad because i dont wanna leave my friends in rp or anything, but sometimes i really have to think of myself. and this seems to be a good time. rp has sent the msg that they dont appreciate me so why not leave?

but i cant. in this time and day we must think very hard and logically. if i do leave, my cca record will look like complete crap. like some loser shit who could not decide what he wanted and ended up getting nothing in return for everything hes given. kae wadeva. my 100% effort will go towards things that appreciate me from now on. im gonna make this debating season one to remember. that'll show them. all those fuckers who think that im not worth giving a shit about, which effectively means a majority of the population.

on monday i will bring back 2 golds. yes, i will be a champion english debater and malay debater as well. if thats the only way people will sit up and take notice, i guess ill have to get it done somehow. two golds and a very nice warm and fuzzy feeling inside because i got the golds with my friends, people who truly understand and care... unlyk in some cca's, i actually feel well and appreciated when im debating. being in debaters gives me something to be proud and feel nice about. if i dun get chairship, which i noe i wont anyway, or viceship, i noe its because i dont deserve it as much as some people who have been slaving away for a longer time. and not some arbitrary and intangible reasons which sound as though they came from a textbook. so i'd just be happy as a committee member or something. at least i noe ttz where i truly deserve to stand.

as i told keith last nite/this morning, its not all abt the position, as in positions per se, because if i were to look at it that way it wouldnt be so bad. but its more of message sent. more of the message i get when this sorta things happen. i tired of waiting for somebody to tell me that im good enough instead of otherwise. and especially for reasons that i find crappy. and in case you are reading this, yes you noe who you are, the two of you: i am pissed off at the two of you. so there.

oh well. so that ends it for now. the immense disappointment that i feel. no words can describe it and im tired of trying to put it in words as well. so here's a nice song to end the post. im not sure if ive posted it here before but heck, nobody gives a damn abt what i do anyway so whatever, i really like the song:

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

whee_

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Saturday, July 19, 2003

hwa chongs today wasnt that bad. we won all three debates, so we are the only team to go into the semi's undefeated. and since jon yap n co. won it last year, we really have got to win it this year to retain the title. i didnt help our title chances by screwing up. had too many things to say; basically expanded my case too well until i got lost in it. my points of contention were too long, even though they were three tiered. and i screwed up the POI. well, didnt screw it up but very messy. my substantive was all over the place as well; i flagged them very neatly in my notebook, they sounded completely thrashy on the floor. all over the place. and linguistically, i tripped afew times. sigh. feel damn loser. thankfully though, i didnt score that badly aniwae. hope to get another chance next week. shud be able to lahh.

ive got a whole script to finish in about 24 hours (dramafest crap). and i have to do cos im the i/c for it. crap lahh. then got a tonne of other homework as well. and gotta prep for the finals motion: THBT Political Assassination Should Be A Legitimate Tool Of Foreign Policy. plus of course, a million other things which have actually slipped my mind. unfortunately, they only come back into my subconcious after my teachers start screaming at me next week. which is in 24 hours.

which brings me to my next pt, that i cant emcee the open house already. cos i most likely have to go for hwa chongs. and i really wanted to emcee summore. haiz. all these clashes in my schedule is very annoying. very hard to choose between the different commitments. wish i was smarter and could foresee this. like trelawney... cept that i would foresee my death so many times ill get bored. oh well. lifes a bitch with a mean bite, and as my msn nick says today "tired of being tired of life". ttz precisely what i am nowadays. i am so glad i found the phrase (credits go to mr. kwong)

as i told hULz & christian, im becoming very cynical of life and stuff nowadays. things are beginning to lose their meaning. things that have always meant alot to me are becoming merely just senseless emotional attachments. hope is becoming a myth of the times. in the world we live in today, faith and hope are the stuff of dreams. ideals that we can merely grapple with in our minds, but never pin down and hold on to. it becomes things that exist only as mere words. they lose thier meaning. life loses meaning.

sometimes i really wonder what is the meaning of existence. are we suppose to find happiness? pleasure? satisfaction? discontent? anger? fury? envy? sloth? euphoria? pain? suffering? delirium? i wonder. why did god make so many emotions, if i can only feel one: despair. despair at the fact that i cant even have a hand in my future. despair that nothing i ever do is right. despair that few people actually understand my despair. despair that despair exists. i have lost my carrot and stick.

you know, the method used to work. dangle some nice prospects infront of me and you bet i will go thru hell and high water (phrase copyrighted by chens) to get it. but now, it seems like i have caught the carrot. and it is rotten. it is a half rate, second rate carrot (like me). now i have nothing to work for at all. no motivation. the carrot itself doesnt taste good. sure, it is a carrot nonetheless but a sucky one. and theres no other carrot to dangle in front of me. i see no need to cling on to hope that one day things may change.

you may say that i am defeated easily, but the very fact that i am so depressed about all this shows the extent to which i have actually had had to go through just to make ends meet, while others have it easy. ive invested uncountable amounts of energy, time and emotions into something which brings me a half-rotten carrot. i have reached my trigger point. i have had enough. ima work now only because it is now a burden of responsibility that i would have to shoulder, and for the sake of him, i will give my all.

"positions do not mean anything, its the difference you make that counts." bullshit. with position comes impetus to contribute. no position, less likelihood. but wtf. obviously im not able to give as much as they would like. i mean, it was decided by the end of the day. i suppose there really are no change in paradigms. i cant be seen as a leader just yet. oh wait, make that never. i cant be seen taking up the mantle just yet. oh wait, make that never. i wont be given the chance just yet. oh wait, make that never.

never. never. never. condemned to the land of the never-could-bes and never-will-bes. thats where i feel i am. if people dont even have confidence in me, when i need their confidence the most, only goes to show that i am not worth the time. well, this hurts. never judge a book by its first chapter. there really is no such thing as a fair trial by jury in this time and place.

resentment is what it will breed in me, i can tell you this for sure. but whether it will prove to be detrimental or not is not my problem anymore really. as second rate, i can wash my hands off it. bless me and my banal rantings. why are you even here reading this entry? dont bother wasting your time. others have decided not to, so why dont you jump on the already large badwagon as well?

it all boils down to message sent. you tell me that i cant do it and expect me to feel gd abt it sumhow. i tell you that this is impossible. i cant feel good if i feel inadequate. which is what this whole thing is making me feel; substandard, second rated, the reserve. you cant expect me to make the best out of something that never was good in the first place. all i know is that im qt screwed. its just not meant to be. maybe im forever actually doomed to being sidelined forever and ever amen. oh wait, make that a fact.

i am a fucking loser shit. cant even get enough support. people dun even have faith in me. i have lost my own strength to exist. and as usual, i am the overlooked. but nobody tt matters really care.

whee_

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Friday, July 18, 2003

today has been a horrid day. rp agm was horrid. well, at least the post-agm part was horrid. debates was damn stressful. preet was here to help us today but he didnt have time to vet thru both our prop and opp cases. ima try to type out my case soon. jon yaps vetting thru my opp case, so as soon as i get that settled, ima start typing liao.

today was The Announcement. set me thinking. and all i gotta say is wadeva. what. ever.

whee_

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Thursday, July 17, 2003

i love this song - by mandy m. & jon f.

Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving I don’t know why
My question....Need an answer
Two years later your still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who hold the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of Titanic cry?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
If love can move mountains
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you...

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
What the wind says when she cries?
I’m speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time...Tonight

Someday we’ll know
If love can move mountains
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
Why Sampson loved Dalilah?
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

Open up the world
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watched the stars crash in the sea
If I can ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
Why Sampson loved Dalilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

whee_

this is my first post in a million years as usual. alot of things have happened. some that i wanna talk about, and some that i dont. so here's a quick and super duper brief view of things that are urnning thru my mind right now:

1) sorry mr kwong... not sure what we did but u seemed quite pissed off the other day so very sorry.

2) my grandfather has passed on. made me feel damn guilty about alotta stuff. dun wanna talk about it. god rest his soul.

3) i walked out of malay debates today. just very pissed. not being allowed to debate for the 3rd consecutive time out of a possible 4 debates. i am pissed off.

4) hwa chongs are on saturday. am quite dead. havent prepped sufficiently, lacking lotsa links and examples and still quite shaky foundation. delivery is perfectly fine though. ima try to tie loose ends tmr tho.

5) syf today wasnt that bad. tech ppl screwed up a little but wasnt that noticeable unless you were darn familiar with the play.

6) missed the personality test today. wanna do it tmr or sumthing or wadeva.

7) got 4 math assignments due tmr. im dead. dont remind me. maybe i can plead for compassionate leave.

8) hULz is rp chair '03/'04 . im vice.

9) tmr is half day. yayy. ima try to have fun even though i clearly and obviously wont at all.

10) i need a break. a really good one. cant wait till i get it in two weeks. when everything will be truly over.

11) RP AGM is tmr. very dumb and stupid. i currently resent RP. its a love-hate relationship, but i hope it gets better by next year, cos if it doesnt i really am going to tender my resignation.

12) speaking of which i feel very ostracised nowadays. very sidelined. very... well, lost. im not sure where im supposed to belong anymore. im always neither here nor there. and people dont seem to care that much either. or at least, i dont feel any concern coming in. you know, the old he looks okay so he must be fine attitude. well wakey-wakey people, things are never that easy.

13) and about the fame and glory... as i sed before. my whole life's a performance. i aim to please nobody but the audience. i live for that. for the clapping. the ovation. the recognition. i live for the audience. but will they still be there when i take my final bow? i really wonder. i really really wonder. and when the performance is over, it is the tears that wash the makeup off my face.

i am so tired. tired of everything. or as mr kwong says "tired of being tired of life". tired of everything. way to tired to even attempt to pick myself up. i hate it when people think i should be happy cos im popular blah blah blah shitfuckcrap. life has more to it then that. im so banal i know. insipid. vapid. jenune. flat. me and my duncical life. take away all the "fame" and "glory" and whatever whatnot and what do you get? nothing at all.

i wish i was just happy. i wish i could be satisfied with what i have instead of always wanting more. they say to be ambitious is good. but is being emulous and vaulting as compared to phlegmatic and faineant really better? i highly doubt so, and it looks like i have to find out the hard way. trying my best to be everybodys yes-man but everything that ive been trying to build up is slowly, but surely crumbling down, to a horrible dusty end.

ima try to be happy aniwae. try to be satisfied. to be pleased. to be contented. to be, well, everything that i have never been. maybe ive just been everybodys somebody for too long. its time to be my own somebody before its too late.

whee_

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Sunday, July 13, 2003

oops. maybe i shuddnt have let on to mr. kwong that i found his blog. haha. well he seems to feel very weird back in school. ~

niwae we are thru to the semi finals for the berita harian bahas series, ie. malay debates. we're meeting bukit panjang govt. high next sunday and the motion is sumthing like "students have little time to spend with their parents because of the stress from the current education system". we are opposing. yea and just another note, i got ltsa hw to do. better get to doing like asap before i die tmr.

this coming week is another mad week. we'll see how it goes. oh well.

toodledoo~

whee_

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Saturday, July 12, 2003

haha i just found mr. kwongs blog~

lets see who else's blog i can find...

whee_

very sorry for not blogging forever. just been so busy. this whole week ive never been back earlier than 11pm. and today, i just came home. feel exhausted beyond compare but since my parents arent in, might as well seize the opportunity and blog. 2dae was supposed to be a good day, and it was, mostly, with production and all but it has ended on a massively disappointing note. coz im back to being depressed again. i am just so unsatisfied with my life now and it sucks.

my whole life is like a performance. when hulin sed to me "but the audience loved you" i didnt know what else to think to myself but the fact that my life is just another show, another production. one that has overstayed its run. one that has more than exceeded its welcome. but whatever. i am just so disappointed. im so afraid of the future now. so very afraid. sighz.

im supposed to be happy, for doing a "great" job during production but i just cant. i am so pissed with everything and nearly everyone. my cast and crew have been extremely supportive and nice but its just so overwhelming sometimes. oh well. thats life. just gotta be happy with whatever is being shoved my way and pretend that im not hurting. sighz. nobody is online. so annoying. feel so alone in all this, though i know i am not. im so tired of all this. this is too much work and stress for me to bear reasonably. and with no reward even in close sight? forget it i say, forget it.

i will not make the same mistake of giving too much time to one particular thing ever again. at the end of the day. even if you produce results, it is rarely remembered. and even if the results are remembered, its never in an appropriate manner. so tired. i am just so tired. i wanna leave ri satisfied, not full of regrets, but it looks like i will be leaving a bag of nerves. the world is such an unforgiving place, never willing to give those who have erred another chance. sure, they may say that they are, but those are all lies as i have discovered.

now i am stuck. stuck w/o anything nice to look forward to. nothing pleasant at all. i just wish i had been wiser, earlier. but thats all done with and i cant change anything so might as well make the best of it.

whee_

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Sunday, July 06, 2003

hello everyone. very tired.

~ we beat damai yesterday. as one of the judges said, "the difference between us and damai was like the difference between the sky and the earth." that means we did quite well yesterday, which is a good sign. next sunday is quarters vs. cedar. cedar, won kgms, and they are really quite a challenge. we'll see how it goes.

~ this week is production week. rehearsals every day, till late and irritating hours.

~ this coming week is mad. i dont know how im gonna juggle rp, eng debate (we're prepping for hwa chongs), malay debate, and to top it all off, i have to go for madrasah exams sometime this week, which means at least 4 hours of time wasted off rehearsal/prep time. damn annoying.

~ please buy a ticket, people... for annual production... i dont wanna perform to an empty LT.

~ madrasah is damn annoying. im am seriously getting quite annoyed. its beginning to piss me off. i have practically no time to myself and my parents still are forcing me to subject myself to such "necessities". its so time consuming and i dont really learn tonnes. besides, i ace every exam w/o actually listening to the lessons; what does that tell you? well it tells me that i can afford to skip if i wanted to, and my parents dont seem to get the fact that i am just so busy these days. and its really annoying.

~ sighz. really dont know where im gonna find the time for everything. maybe my mums right, shuddnt have involved myself in so many things. but its too late now isnt it.

oh well. life sucks but im gonna try to remain happy abt it anyway. wad else is there to do right? right.

whee_

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Saturday, July 05, 2003

this is my first post in a million years. feel very guilty for not posting. oh well. thats life, i havent the time at all to blog. really been a super duper hectic week. but its been quite a good week i must say. not as depressing as usual, sure there were some downs as expected but everything went rather well i think. surprisingly of course, but seriously, some happiness is long overdue so it came at a good time. good evening everyone anyway.

im not gonna run through the weeks events cos its very boring and a chore. maybe just a coupla things:

~ Full Throttle was funny! not a very thought-provoking movie but hey, who says we're watching it to think? hahaha

~ Atomic Jaya was damn funny! Huzir Sulaiman & Claire Wong are really amazing. too bad couldnt catch Proof the last time.

~ MUFTI day was not bad. spent $80 on clothes for the day. haha. but it worked out well. everybody commented on my outift :) n i thought it was quite nice as well.

~ had debate prac on that day too. a sparring against cat. high. had a funny time. jon yap was damn funny imitating imran, who was hilarious as well.

~ screwed up malay oral; the convo part. not as fluent as i would have wanted to be but heck, nobody's perfect. hopefully got 10/7/7.

~ listening comp today was good. think i got full marks, which is really something i need cos of my screwed up oral. oh well.

~ im amazed at how some people can really put two n two together so quickly w/o many hints. very smart people, no wonder theyre in RI. haha. good on them anyway.

... now thats done with, lets talk about... me being happy! yeah i know, its a miracle. haha. tuesday and wednesday were really quite therapeutic. im not as whiny (i hope) as i once was. or at least, now ive learnt to keep it locked away where ill never find it. or at least, somewhere where it can stay for some time and resurface later, but not bother me for a long irritating period of time. talking to the right people is really therapeutic as well. very purgatory. haha. but seriously, it helps and does wonders. but obviously dont talk to the wrong people lahh, lest you want to make things worse.

oh yeah, and be wise with what you say/write/do. ive discovered that simple things we do everyday, things that may be very discreet and clandestine to ourselves, actually tell alot. and sometimes, these things they tell, are things that you dont want known, so draw the line where it belongs. must keep that in mind.

~ mrs. lim (jee nee) is really breathing down my neck nowadays pushing for me to do so many things. she wants me to go for that leadership thingy in september, spoke to me for 15min regarding psl application n basically wants me to do alotta stuff. at least somebody seems to think i have value in this world and im glad for that. i feel quite embarassed sometimes when she does all this, cos sometimes i just feel so undeserving, but heck lahh, recognition is overdue. (i still havent forgiven alot of individuals for sec one gep camp). and just for showing offs sake: did you know she asked me "why arent you a prefect?". hahaha. i was speechless of course, after all that ive done, some people were willing to give me a second chance. and of all people, her, the one who practically nearly got me expelled last year. haha.

~ which brings me to the point about everything happens for a reason. i think we are at a point in life where we are experiencing a whole buncha things and when everything seems to be going wrong, it happens for a reason. the point ive missed is about picking yourself up after the fall. im supposed to learn from this all, so im gonna make sure i do. its all a matter of pride and dignity. keep it if

whee_

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Tuesday, July 01, 2003

first and foremostly, thank you bryant chiang. :)

sitting down here, looking at my monitor, i feel very pensieve. my insipid life is yet again the target of my thoughts, as always. ive realised something, that the fact of the day that ive placed up there, is something that ive never completely understood myself. ive realised that there are people who care. that there are people who actually give a damn if i live or die. and theyre right in front of me. i dun need to go far to find my real friends.

recently (fine, today), ive discovered that some people whom i thought i knew, i actually dont at all. ive much to learn about seeing things for what they truly are. a friend is somebody who respects my decision and not make his own decision for me. a friend is somebody who will always be there for me, whether in bad circumstances or good ones. a friend is somebody who will never, leave my side and distance himself away when i need help and guidance the most. a friend is somebody who loves me for who i am and doesnt expect me to change to his liking. A friend is hard to find, but when you do, make sure you treasure him and treat him like gold, for there is nothing more precious than someone who understands you and is always willing to go the extra mile for you.

ive come to realise that there are so many things about people that i havent found out yet and its truly when the times are tough that true colours begin to show. on that note, i thank all my friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin, all of you are the most gorgeous rainbows ever. i love you people and if i were to die today, at least i will go knowing that im appreciated by some ppl at the very least.

~now on to some routine stuff. monday was a chore. damn boring. nothing interesting happened. went for lunch and a horrible one at that, not cos of the food but other stuff. then came back to have chem, which i did very badly in. just like history. im a major failure. at least i feel like it. rp as usual, was crap. so i shant elaborate. oh and i beat sergius in two a math assignments which i didnt copy.

~today was better. they shuffled our sitting arrangement. im still beside russell *phew* but we're now in the second row.had a nice lunch at food junction because i was eating with people whom i know, genuinely care. lunch was ruined by waileong who started of a chain of unwanted news. but im over that now. its just way below me. like i could care anymore. being nice always gets you rejected. i have a tendency to be nice to the wrong people. i should focus more on my real pals next time, you know, those who dont ignore me when i lunch with them. yeah those kinda people. then i went for GE for fun. learnt the 4th/5th/6th ending for radical dreamers. which officially puts me in front of hongyue. had debate prac which tired me out.

~on the whole notion of depression, ive observed that for those who get depressed by other people, their depression increases when the other people are happy. and it also increases when the other people are depressed. in short, dont be depressed by others, only be depressed by yourself. im learning that some people just dont deserve the attention they get, so lets just not give it to them shall we? and make ourselves less depressed of course.

~anyway im also beginning to learn that the person who deserves your affection the most, is yourself. dont go around trying to please others who dont deserve it, work hard and love yourself for that. before you can love anyone safely, you must first love yourself. i learnt it the hard way, and im still learning, dont make the same crappy mistakes that i keep making. find the strength to live within yourself FIRST before you go around falling for people etc. and making them the reason to live. sometimes it isnt worth it. sometimes, they arent worth it.

~this is a very cathartic experience for me, pouring out what ive been meaning to say for these past dunno-how-long. i am beginning to find it easier to hate. and nothing will stop me now. i hope anyway. i cannot do with another one of these 8mth long emotional rollercoaster rides. not worth my time and energy. if i were to waste so much time, ill make sure its for someone whos truly worth it. and not someone who wont understand. rather, refuses to understand.

~to this person i dont have much to say 'cept that i wish this never happened. i know you do as well but we are just working on different levels right now, you want to ignore me but you know i cant ignore you. you do this and im supposed to accept it as though its a rite of passage. see, this is why, i think, they say that friends, especially best of friends, should never get involved in other ways; if something goes wrong, then the relationship will never get back to normal. sad to say, our relationship, as friends will be non-existent soon. i cant take the sort of pain that is being shoved into my face right now. its something that i didnt see coming, especially from you.

~rejection as friend as well? this is way too difficult for me to accept. ive accepted alot these days but getting cut off in this manner is not acceptable to me. you "really dont know what im trying to do"? haiz. just look to yourself for answers. i dont particularly like being ignored, for one. and i cant understand why a simple question abt whether the movie was going to be bfore 4pm cant be answered. ttz simply ridiculous and hurtful. so there. i really couldnt care any more. wadeva.

i shall go and do math.

whee_