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Sunday, September 28, 2003
oh. happy bday jon.
whee_
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this feels so screwy. life feels so screwy. and since nobody really blogs anymore, nor tags anymore it only means one thing: FINE. ill jump onto the bandwagon and stop blogging as well, so there. since nobody really cares abt their blogs anymore...
bYee then, hope to cya soon, blogger.. ill never forget your patience and dedication in serving me, among millions of others, and look how they treat you now.. ill be back.. just not so soon.. goodbye blogger.. ill miss you..
whee_
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elizabeth is chio sia.. the women in the bachelor are gettin better.. and younger too. the median age is like 24.. the 30 year olds look quite crappy sia.. audree looks abit lyk mariah.. angela is damn whiny.. amy looks very muscular haha.. and i think rachel is ugly.. tina is hilarious.. kirsten is chio also.. reminds of of jennifer love-hewitt.. and shannon looks lyk kimberly caldwell, ie. like a pig..
kae im talkin cock for no reason. im jus very lost and stressed now. horrible feeling. when i find myself again, ill be back.
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today was fascinating again. other than the fact that i found out i can count the number of people who update their blogs regularly now on one hand, ive discovered some people have given up on theirs and i also found out that the world is a f*cked up place.
sometimes we just get too tied down by certain things and becomes really unhealthy. too much of something is always bad, be it good or otherwise is small doses. moderation after all, is the key to healthy living, and i dont only mean food and other things you take into your mouth but the place by which you get your mental, spiritual and emotional sustenance as well. i think the solution to many of the problems that we face nowadays has to do with where we get our approval from and how much of it do we need.
firstly, many of us always think, "everybody thinks i suck, so they must be right" etc. (insert whatever within the apostrophes). but the question we should really begin to ask ourselves is, who is our "everybody"? why is what they think so important? well, if what they think gets you down all the time it can be becos of two things, either because their right and you know that as well, or becos theyre screwed up b*stards. thats right, change your "everybody". why bother and put through all the nonsense? if they think you suck, go to other people who think you dont.
so lets take this group of persons, your current "everybody" and erase them out of your life and your mind. now replace the gaps they have left with people whom you consider important and deserving, who will give you support when you need it and love when you require some, who'll be your sunshine after the rain and the cure against your fear and your pain. these people will be your new "everybody". whenever youre about to say "everyody thinks im a loser" stop and think; do these people really think i am? does your "everybody" think you are? surely not.
many people, me included, always seek approval from the wrong people, and sometimes it just doesnt work out. try to find the right people who will guide you along the way instead of crush your dreams and you along with it. change your "everybody" now, and youll find that the world will be a brighter place.
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kae i dunno where that came from. just a random collection of thoughts that i thought would be qt relevant to some of us here who are frequently down in the depths of depression for no particular reason. bottomline is, just dont get too dependant on certain things and certain people. and no matter how much people say you should not, lemme tell you that you can afford to take certain things for granted, just that you shoudl choose wisely and very very carefully.
prioritise what you feel you have to. go with the gut feeling. i quote a friend: "we dont have all the time in the world". he is right ya noe, we do not. but that does not mean we should chiong and try to do everything at once. instead it means that we should be even more careful about how we lead our lives. dont hurt those whom you love and love you. dont be mean to those who are nice to you and deserve courtesy in return. dont judge people by how they seem to be rather than how they really are. in short, as mrs lim says, be intelligent. be smart about your decisions in life because they always bring repercussions.
small things we do, its really those that count. lifes full of little gestures to tell people that "hey! we appreciate you!" and it is these small things that count. big and flamboyant gestures, they really are passe and arnt the way to go. life loses meaning sometimes but that doesnt mean you should give up on it. sure, be lyk me and be hypocritical, announce to urself and the world that you are giving up on life, but at least hold on to that tiny shred of hope that things may get better.
dont give up on yourself even when others do. tell yourself, you dont need them, you only need yourself. after all, you lead your life, not them. live life to the fullest this way, by giving your all to those who deserve it and appreciating what you get in return. its life the whole unrequited love equation; once you learn how to lvoe without wanting or needing anything in return, you will be free. and free birds do soar, not those chained by their foolishness and emotions.
the wise never tell the world that they are so, they show it. in little ways or big gestures it depends, but you bet your life that it shows. the wise are not those who mug for the sake of their grades or who play for the sake of having fun. the wise know what is important in life and what is not, and from there they build their lives. they know that when things do not pick up, they should just let go and let things be. sometimes, it is the only way. most of all, the wise are those who can make the right decision, because they know that it is right. to speak up for ones values is admirable, but to be able to get others to speak up in one voice with you is amazing. we all envy the straight A students but we all should really be envious of the truly wise. i know i am.
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i am droning . trying to convince myself that life doesnt suck that much lahh. working abit. now i shall take a quik shower and do some maths. maybe ill add on to this en3 when i have the time tonight.
whee_
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2day has been an interesting day which has just taken a bit of a nosedive. but what ever. as if i could be bothered about what people thing culture is all about, that is, considering movies some italian thinks are good to be good as well. you know what? i shall blog about it today.
i wonder how many of you consider yourselves people of culture? im sure there would be many hands up there now. yeah well, you listen to music over a few genres (check), tv shows of many themes (check) and perhaps art is a fascination for you as well (check). so, does this make you a culture brahmin? well apparently, i have forgotten something rather important over here. movies. oh blasphemy of the gods! how could i forget movies. webster defines it as:
1 : a series of pictures projected on a screen in rapid succession with objects shown in successive positions slightly changed so as to produce the optical effect of a continuous picture in which the objects move
2 : a representation (as of a story) by means of motion pictures
ah yes, those. sounds familiar? lets move on then. so.. lemme begin by sayin that i truly detest completely people who think that watchin determinedly 3*-4* movies (determined by exotically named people, no less) makes them part of the haute monde. well let me let you in on a little secret.. NOT! im so pissed by people who look down on others just because they seem to enjoy movies which, granted the fact that they are slightly audacious at times and demand some lack of thought, actually are a lot of fun. but oh well, who am i to talk? the lowly pariah of motion picture culture, the one who laughs at the hot chick. yah so sue me if i find corny stuff hilarious. you can take those 3* of yours and stuff them where the sun dont shine.
annoying. and please dont ripoff reviews if you cant review them on your own. its kinda dampening if u ripoff and dont even acknowledge ya noe, at least give the man who did the work some credit lahh. oops sorry there i go again. i mean, who am i to talk? i cant tell a goods movie from a bad one and a joke full of wit and a crass, vulgar one. i mean, im just stupid, as compared to the patriciate and gentry on this issue. oh well, i guess i just have to settle for being completely and utterly clueless about all this.
in short, its not nice to look down on people. just watch out that you dont look down too much and fall over. arrogance has a price ya noe. but of course, im not exactly the authority on this subject am i. im no maven and dont claim to be. rather be honest than b fake, so there. such distaste. but what ever. i shall not waste my breath on the undeserving.
in case anybody's wondering, this is not targetted at anybody in particular. im just stupid and writing all this for no reason.
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*sigh*
Yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh yesterday came suddenly
Why she had to go, I don't know,
she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
now I long for yesterday
Yesterday,
love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
*sigh*
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yesterday was quite a boring day 'cept for the big hullabaloo that was raised abt the whole IRS thingy. but enough abt tt. i cant blog for long now niwae, and i have nothing to blog abt as well. 'cept that im very very pissed with a certain teacher who needs a slap right a cross her face. tt, among other things. grr.. argh wdv. im seriously getting exasperated at her and just about everybody else, esp. my parents, who seem to think its very funny to blame me all the time when stupid b*tches do these sorta things. abominable i tell you, and utterly repugnant. such distaste.
so many things are going wrong these days and nothin seems to b on track anymore. sigh. yesterday mrs lim pulled me aside and sed a coupla things lahh, maybe she noticed i was lookin screwy or sumthin. niwae she said i was doing really well and i just need to keep it up and ill be just fine for eoy and that she was really happy to see that im a psl, ccal etc. etc. then all i could say, very quietly, was "i hope". sigh. i really didnt noe wad esle to say in reply cos i really dont think im doing well at all and to see tt she tot i was was really.. not uplifting as it shud be. sigh. so many expectations, all for one lousy person: me.
whatever lahh. im just gonna go with the flow and see where the wind brings me. im quite tired of trying, really, to be more useful than i shud be. got my hand in too many pies. and worse still, i dont know which hand to take out, cos everything is just too dear to me. and the things that i want to get myself out of, like frickin hssrp, i cant. sigh. life is a mess. i will just have to pretend the mess doesnt exist until eoy's are over, then i can sit down and attempt to sort the whole mess out.
sigh.
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today i swear i cud have burst into tears in exasperation. i tried so many frickin times to tell those ppl who were playin cards and stuff to stop it right now and keep their cards but they kept playin and playin and i was really so frickin pissed because their insouciance had already cost me the day before. mrs tay was very helpful and insistent that they stop but they refused to listen also until i burst out and said the f-word in front of mrs tay. shit man. i just couldnt take it. after that, they thankfully stopped. sigh. please guys, please try to understand? i cant afford all these slips anymore.
and wads more, when mr ong came to talk to us today, it was as though they had believed that son of a b*tch elango. he had no proof at all about what he alleged we had done and besides we had more substantiation and case than he did. how dare they believe him and not us. how dare they. i just honestly cannot believe the cheek of that b*stard. hes gonna get it one of these days i swear. what goes around comes around. and lookin at all the evil he emanates, no wonder hes some lame ol' security guard. if he had any brains at all, he'd be working a real job.
but enough abt tt swine already. i wanna move on to another swine. this indian fella at pastamania. we had just finished playing one round of bridge (me and pong won qt spectacularly with 3 spades as our bid =) ) and began eating and stuffs. then pong happened tofinish his food early so he picked up the cards and was about to start shuffling them when this bugger (another guy, a chinese one, who was less rude anyway) came up to pong and told him to keep the cards because "pastamania has no entaertainment licence. furthermore you guys are in school uniform so you shuddnt be playing in public". so tts that and he left and pong kept the cards.
not long after, i saw him talkin to that indian f*ckhead at the counter and that maharaja of gopal came strutting over and started berating us for no reason, even though we had kept the cards and all. he said something like this (not in perfect verbatim my apologies because he was such a b*stard even my brain is refusing to rmb wad he sed): "you boys should not be playing cards here. did you noe that if some govt official comes and catches you all they can shut us down for a year? one more time i catch you boys i am calling your principal."
he also sed some other crappy stuff before his deputy, the chinese fella came back to scold us again. and by tt time i wasnt really listening anyway cos it was the same old nonsensical crap. furthermore we had stopped playing, so they have no right to make noise. so before we left i overturned some of our cups that were full of ice and coke remnants on the table. had a good mind to mess the whole place up but decided it was too risky. (what if they were videotaping us or sumthing) and when leaving i sed very loudly, "goodbye. foreveeerr!!". i honestly and solemnly swear never to eat at that cursed joint again. the rudeness is impeccable. i will so find a way to complain. i cannot let this come to pass. i feel so violated.
oh yeah. apparently im hated by the rg n ny ldp ppl. okae den, so be it.
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sigh today has been a bad day.
let me tell you guys a story..
today at around 2pm+ we went back to the classroom and mr ong was there. so we asked him if we could play cards and he sed sure, but we must stop when he leaves, which is kinda wad we tot we shud do anyway cos i personally could nt have afforded a third point in two days just for playin cards illegally. so we agreed lahh and when he kinda officially left us at 3+/4pm we stopped and went back to our work. conviniently later, after everybody had left and i was packing up with hu lin, elango barged into our classroom and snatched the card boxes (including one pack which i had just bought for lyk 5 fkin bucks and were damn nice) and made us go see mrs tan siok mui and i had to painstakingly explain to her the whole situation, esp the part abt us playing with mr ongs permission and withhim around earlier.
elango is a fker thru and thru. he has no business doing all this before he even goes and investigates whether we are really wrong or not. we had explicit permission for godssakes. my personal mission before i leave the institution is to get him fired, sacked or publicly shamed. if petitions about teachers can get them and everybody else to sit up, petitions about stupid fked up security guards can definitely work as well. hed better watch out. im so pissed because he wasted my time and got my two decks confiscated for no frickin reason. and other than that he has been such a pain in the ass before this.
sigh.
todays bridge was very good at first. thrashed opponents of diff combi's in 6 back to back rounds. was contracting with ahanong then russell den pong. as usual with russell it was a perfect game. budden we lost one round to gerbert and yeh min and the fall began. after that i just kept losing and losing. and with each game i lost, i couldnt think straight increasingly and my eyes were getting blurry. add to that the fact that i had already finished 5 packs of hongyues tissue because of the fricking cold swimmin today gave to me. sigh. damn frickin annoying sia. i was sick and cuddnt concentrate and then the whol elango thingy.
tried very hard to mug hist also cannot. havent even gotten past tsarist russia. sigh. ppl tell me im muggin to much. how frickin encouragin. im really trying okae and my spirits have been damn dashed because of all this. i already screwd up the test earlier and im tryin my best to mug as much as possible so that i can make my essays stand out and people just keep telling me to just mug from wendy clark. yah im sure, and make all the answers sound the same as the regurgitated shit rite? er, i think ill pass on that. sigh.
oh yeah and guess wad? i just learnt how to do surds. how shitty is that. and im psl. hooray. but anyway im really qt worried. im nowhere to near starting to mug properly for exams which are in less than 3 weeks time. i feel absolutely doomed. esp for maths. and i feel so bad. i dun wanna fail, cos it will screw up my results (like the way it pulled my average down to a b3 last year) and it will look bad on mr tan and mrs chong and its reallty not their fault. its just that i really suck at math and i dun wanna screw up their records. sigh. i guess i must really start working if i intend to pass satisfactorily.
same for subs like lit and phys and all. i really dun feel very good with the "results" ive been getting. and it really isnt testament to their teaching. sigh. ive been qt a fker these few days. not payin attn to lessons when i shud very well be. sheesh. argh. sigh. im tired already. so tired. all the strain today. tmrs bridge must be good or ill completely flip. sigh. i m getting too addicted. this is mad. i cant stoppit. shit. im so fking addicted.
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*yawn*
quite tired today. sorry havent blogged in awhile. todays bridge was not good at all. at macs it wasnt tt impressive cos i couldnt make a good enough connection with ahanong. hey i tried okAy. then later after i finished my amth papers, kept losing until towards the end. pong was being annoying by being horribly unfaithful, and paying less attn to me, his contract partner than his chinese. gosh. understandably, we couldnt make a good enough connection. esp during the impt bidding time. horrible. so we obviously lost due to overbidding and miscomm.
then i got abit pissed at demand that he stopped doin chinese that we could play a proper game. and after that we began to win again. sigh. tmrs bridge must be good. i will try to make sure russell is around. we really need to brush up our contract game soon. unless my game with pong improves further i mite resort to floating for the rest of my life. argh! russell chen! with bridge partners right, sometimes you click or u dont. and the connection cannot be contrived, if not it wont really work.
f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-n-g. then this morning right, when we playing some bridge before assembly, the people who were kibitzing were so frickin noisy. im seriously quite bloody pissed about the whole thing because its really frustrating trying to play good and proper game, esp contract bridge where u need to communicate as best as possible with yur partner with wdv resources you have, which arent much anyway. so with people making so much noise and stupid han kit booking us for no reason, we cant even pay attn to playing the correct cards much less trying to get wdv signals either ur partner is sending u or ur opponents are sending one another.
sigh. im hooked for life.
PS: i just passed chem prac. haha. ocj will be the death of me one day i swear.. so fussy! gr..
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hello. went for a run this morning at around 1am. ran to the otehr side of tampines and back. very nice. though the wind chilled me to the bone. it woke me up. and i realised the time has come for me to post this song again. still echoes in my head after all these months post-AI:2.. maybe its a sign that was meant to tell me something long ago but stubborn old me didnt listen.. hm..
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
CHORUS:
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
CHORUS:
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
such true words. wish i had applied it more carefully. oh well, wishes do come true. i hope this one does.
...
on a lighter note though i have found my contract bridge partner! russell chen zhihui! yayyness.. so far so good and we've been able to win quite admirably even though the odds have been stacked against us quite often.. haha.. like the game where all my four points came out during the first trick and that was the very suit that the opponent bid against us. hehz. now we just need to work on intepreting each others signals more accurately and not end up playing the wrong cards, since were past the wrong-bidding phase. hahah. bridge is fun! especially with a good partner.. alrightys then..
byee`!
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i cant blog about the nikon cool pix sq today. not in a good enough mood. hurting alot now, and very badly as well. this extent of pain only came before a few months back and then it was really bad. almost as bad as now. oh well. its probably my fault. aiming for what i cant get. asking for more than i deserve. being stupid, mostly. but thats me. plain ol' stupid azizul.
sigh. they say no pain no gain. this is all pain and still no gain.
kae, my heart is really really aching now. i need a shower. maybe itll get better over some sleep. cya guys den.
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OMG. discovery of the year. i decided against the ixus. my new love is the nikon cool pix sq! its so bloody gorgeous! argh!! save me! kae when i have more time, i will blog abt it. now i gotta run. byebye.
NIKON COOL PIX SQ!!
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doin malay compo. hard. and tiring me out. but theres something worse in the air. a worse threat to humanity that is lying amidst us, pretending to be better than those zuowens and karangans and whatever they call compos in tamil. what am i talking about? im talkin about the subject none other than maths. yes M-A-T-H-E-M-A-T-I-C-S. or in short maths. all of it. A, E, D, F, the whole lot of them. theyre disgusting and vile and utterly and completely fucked up. i hate maths and will continue to do so all my life. even if i start passing. maths is the most useless subject i have ever come across in my whole 15 years of life on this planet.
how many other subjects teach u useless things like solving quadratic functions? as if the real world required such shit. i am sure my future employer will ask me to solve equations as part of my job. i am so dead sure he will. besides, in the future, i doubt there will b any use for the shit we learn like qudratic graphs or even trigo graphs. i can so see my future employer telling me to differentiate the tangent graph or i wont get my promotion.
its true when they say that all the maths we ever need to know in our lives has already been taught in primary school. all the rest is just for pedants who cant help but be themselves. pascal was sum idiot who cuddnt stop showing off and so was pythogoras. pedantic pathetic fools. i swear, that if i had my way, maths will be some moribund subject of study. we have calculators for godssakes, use them!
math truly sucks. its worse than mother tongue because at least mother tongue makes sense. maths only requires practice. and since it is really the only subject in which there are definite right or wrong answers, it obviously means that there is little to no skill involved in actually attaining them. now why on earth would i go out of my way to denigrate math? simply because essentially you dont even have to be skilled or truly intelligent to get the answers! all you need is lots of time to practice. thats all. if youve got that, youve got your a1s in the bag.
there. i shall stop here simply because i will begin to lapse into a state of mental and physical anguish if i go on. i hate math to the core. i really really do. ive a good mind to just flunk it for eoy and see what they do to me. im already flunking anyway so wads the difference. sheesh.
now back to bridge.
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life truly sucks. ive been playin bridge for 3 hrs now. just wasting my life away. watching my mugging time flow outta my fingers and into nowheredom. i cant tear myself away because im addicted to the satisfaction that the game gives me. the satisfaction knowing that at the end of the day, there is a winner and there is a loser. the satisfaction that at least in this game, i get to win.
in life i always feel like ive been dealt a bad hand. and my table refuses to allow a wash. and im just stuck. hanging in there, losing trick after trick game after game, round after round. and the worse thing is, in life, i cannot escape. at least in bridge i can just get up and leave the table and have no qualms about it. in life, i cant even get up and leave, much less have any room for guilt or contrition.
i wish life was lyk a game of bridge. or poker. then i could just fold. and leave. i want to, so badly. but i cannot. dammit i cannot leave this place. this truly and completely sucks to the core. and the very people whom i look to to care about what i feel and what i think do not. then who do i end up looking to now? nobody. im truly disappointed at this point in time, with what life has to offer. if all it has to offer is a boot in the face then id rather not have it for f*cks sake. it aint funny anymore. it hurts now dammit. it really does.
and all i can do it sit tight and wait for the bad times to pass. i feel so freakin helpless. not even to help others but to help myself. nothing works. nothing even remotely bothers to try working. i think ive given up on myself. ill just let the tide buoy me over and pretend all the ugliness in the world doesnt exist. people seem to like to do tt alot.
whatever. i will close my eyes and wish this away.
i wish this would all go away.
please?
whee_
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hey.
life sucks. had a horrible day yesterday. shant go much into the details 'cept that it was squandered (unreasonably) on stupid things that in the end did not make sense. i noe that this in effect can apply to many things but whatever. i am beginning to talk in circles again and im annoying me so i shall shut up for a moment. just a sidenote here i am thoroughly annoyed at some blogs because the tagboards dun allow me to post. as far as i noe, only flooble allows ip blocking unless its tagboard advance. and even if ip cud be blocked, im outraged that i am blocked. or maybe its just my freaking comp. argh wadeva. im a useless bum.
*deep breath*
i lost $20 bucks yesterday for sum stupid reason which i shant belabor here because there lacks sense to do so. watched PotC again,. not that im complaining but nvm. paid a visit to orchard towers. saw the transvestites. really a wake-up call to life in all veracity. in its full glory, life is truly beautiful. u truly come to appreciate your life when you see how far people are willing to go to get out of theirs. nevertheless odio me soy. i hate being me. je déteste étant totalment enfoncé dans cette vie du mien. sigh. i mean, really. bah whatever. nobody really listens anyway so whats the point.
everyone pretends to be somebody. everyone wants to be sumbody. its natural human instinct to want affection and understanding. but some people just need more, they just need to go the extra mile and get that extra oomph. they get the kick out of being the centre of the universe. i remember a poem of the similar title. nice poem. i liked it. basically about a guy who everybody goes to to get their fair share of affection from. they get the consolation from him, and run to him for a shoulder to cry on and basically to b*tch to. but everybody forgets that being the centre of the universe is no easy job. it is no mean feat. and where does the centre of the universe go to when he needs to cry? when he needs to complain? when he needs sympathy? who does he go to?
the answer is nobody. there is nowhere to which he can go to. he is after all the centre and everything revolves around him. if the centre were to crumble, one dreads to imagine what would happen to the rest of the things that hold on to it for support? that is why the centre remains steadfast and he refuses to cry, he refuses to fall, he refuses to stumble, but not because he cannot, but he is not allowed to do so. its just not allowed and not in the rules. he cannot break down. he is the invincible. but deep inside, he cries. believe me he cries alright.
and there is nothin else he can do but sob quietly and bear the weight and burden of troubles of the whole world that relies upon him. he is like atlas, only that he is not built to last as long. being the centre of the universe is no mean feat, not because of what the task demands of you, but what you demand of the task. what sort of satisfaction do we get after all the tears? after all the broken bones? where do we stand? cowering under the weight of everything? but then again, what is the weight of everything?
sometimes i wonder which is heavier? do we make it heavy for ourselves? i tink we do. i tink i do. but then again im dumb. especially since i cant seem to understand why people tink so differently. is it because i tink differently that makes me different? or because i choose to act differently with what i think. i figure that its a combination of both. and i wonder sometimes why i end up doing it. and coming abck for more over and over again. and thrusting myself into this, only aiming to get nothing more than acceptance but getting worse things than rejection in return. which makes me wonder, is there anything worse than rejection? it really is the lowest point you can go. trust me on this. and to those who dont believe me, i pray that you never ever have to find out how painful it is.
and im not just talking about the whole jilted lovers thing. im talkin about not finding where you belong. not finding out where people want you. do they want you? or do you need them more? what develops anyway is an unhealthly parasitic relationship. whos the parasite and the one who suffers? i wonder myself. i wonder.
i tink i tink too hard. life sucks. deal with it. and this is my way of dealing with it. trying to find an answer for everything. digging deeper and deeper. and perhaps finding things that i wish i haddnt found. finding things that i buried a long time ago, wishing to forget its existence. perhaps.. deep insdie we are all afraid of what we truly are. and im just wondering, how people can just brush things off lyk dandruff off a coat, when this is their existence they are talking about. if you dont worry know, somebody will be doing it for you.
its the principle of conservation of worry. i suppose im tryin to be honourable and do the worrying for the whole world but it sucks. and im addicted to it. which really sickens me. i cant stop worrying. i cant stop thinking. i cant stop digging deeper. i cant stop. i cant. i.. just cannot. but i suppose one day this will all begin to make sense. one day. some day. sigh.
life sucks. deal with it.
whee_
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okie dokie im back!
kukup was wonderful! really dont regret going at all, even though half the trip was kinda conducted in chinese and i could only understand snippets of it. even so, the trip was really really great.
dis is a brief outline of what has happened on the trip. had so cut down on the en3 a little so that its more reader-friendly. was originally twice as long. here goes..
first day:
i had a horrible terrible flu triggerd off by swimming earlier, so i ran to j8 to buy some panadol cold, got back in time just to sqeeuze my ass into the bus, w/o gettin any lunch. so u could say that the day was starting on a bad note. (well add on to that the fact that i had just officially failed chem and gotten back a substandard progress report) so anyway, the drive there was really quite uneventful and boring becuase my nose was leaky and i just sat lookin very sian and glum watching the other half of the Back 8 (hULz, benny, rueben and jenhan), play bridge. one good thing though, i was in a very good group with mrs tay as our teacher i/c ~ =D
we reached the hotel at around 2+/3, which was really quite nice and i had perked up by then. there was this huge malaysian flag hanging in the middle of the hotel and for some reason we laughed lyk hell at it. then we saw this huge portrait of mahathir (lookin g very curiously swarthy) with the words 'keranamu malaysia' and we laughed even harder. haha. after a short briefing to tell us that we had free time till about 5+, they distributed the room keys. apparently, the names had been mixed up all over and we got the keys with the names alvis chioang and joey liew. just our lucky innit? hahaz.
so we went up and the rooms were not too bad either (i was rooming with hULz in 1448). i went down to grab lunch with hongyue and bumped into four dozen other people at the shopping area. eden has dis kinda cool concept of everything under one roof, where the hotel has this sky lobby concept with a shopping centre of sorts below it. after lunch i went back to my room and showered etc. getting ready to report for dinner. my flu was still around and it was really annoying but thankfully it kinda subsided temporarily. kinda forgot about it as we (our half of the Back 8 comprising me, p0ng, lee hu and hongyue) played uno w vincent. lee hu was very sleepy so he occasionally drifted to sleep and sat out of the games.
dinner was at this seafood restaurant by the river. this was the first meeting of G10 (me, hULz, benny, jenhan, rueben, derek, pangwei, cedric, paul and zhenghao). G10 was mad. we gobbled down each plate of food before the next group even got theirs. in fact, benny was feeling so sian while waiting for the next dish that he started goin around pouring tea for everyone. needless to say, the dinner was filling only to a certain extent. only a couple of courses so to speak, of seafood, seafood, and more seafood. (other than the egg, which waa never alive anyway, everything else lived in the sea when it was)
but more imptly, the way we had our meals was damn funny. we would begin it with a prayer (led by yours truly) thanking whoevers up there for certain *ahem* individuals in our lives. then we would do a yamseng of sorts, changing the word we used of course. glorious fun. and this was the way we ate each time, yamseng-ing at least twice/thrice a meal.
after dinner we went for the river cruise. now this 'cruise' was really interesting because the way it was phrased in the intenary, it seemed as though it was some star cruise sorta ship, but in sooth it was an upgraded bum boat. which was still very cool cos at least we had shelter, unlike some of the other groups, and this was quite something cos we passed under this bridge inhabited by bats and the possibility of guano raining down upon us was very real. the cruise was to visit the fireflies, which was really quite an experience. they were really beautiful, and each time one flew close to us, we tried to catch it =P
they were flying around the roots of the mangroves that we passed by and some trees were so heavily inhabited with them that they looked like really nice xmas trees. apparently this whole firefly thingy was a mating ritual where the male flashes at the female to show off and if the female was interested she would flash back at a certain time interval. im still curious though, how on earth the fireflies intend to keep track of which is which and whos flashin at who. neverthelesss, the river cruise was really cool, and we went when there were less fireflies than usual. i wonder how it would look like, when it is the peak of the mating season. hmm..
by then it was already 9+/10 so we left for the hotel, which took another hr+. by then i was feeling way better and hence our half began playing uno again. since hongyue was too nice to target, me and pong kept trying to gang up on vincent but he kept turning the tide around and +2/4 us out of nowhere. we got back to the hotel niwae, after creating some anti-malaysian songs which we sang all the way into the compounds. it was really funny.. after some rounds of cards my room decided to call it a night cos both me and hULz were having the flu.
day two:
we had to report at about 7.30 for bfast at the hotel cafe. bfast was horrendously filling. lee hu and p0ng woke up late, and i couldnt call in cos they didnt hang up the phone properly. so i ended up packing food and all for whoever who was late and when pong and lee hu finally came down we were, in the other lionel's words 'serving him [pong] like a king'. haha. it was quite funny if you ask me. we were due for a three hour drive to kukup anyway, so a good bfast was necessary.; or so we thought at first. the Back 8 played bridge all the way anyway, and we had fun teaching hongyue how to play.
we reached kukup and went for a little tour of the fishing village, but the guide was speaking in chinese so i couldnt understand. not that the others could either, because half my row was bitching about how they didnt get him. we went to this floating fish farm and saw lobsters, crayfish and pufferfish. then we saw these archer fish too and bryant was trying to get them to shoot at khee ngiap and we were giving the fish instructions to fire away at joey. haha.. the fish missed everybody and shot at everybody else. not that it mattered anyway cos it was fun anyhow. =)
then at 10+ we went to this restaurant, where the owner actually owned a fish farm too. he was explaining to us the differences between the kelongs of then and now and it was all in chinese so i spent my time sleeping with cedrics cap pulled low over my eyes so as to not seem rude. after that, mdm weiling went thru some worksheet with them, so i sat on feelin qt sian and all. then the food came and G10 was groaning, cos we barely had bfast 3 hrs ago and thus were thoroughly full. i was damn full, though not as full as pangwei, who took the opportunity to spill some tea on himself and me. =P G10 left feeling quite like a failure cos we couldnt finish all our food. our first (and only) failure. hahaz ~
after that was an hr+ drive to the diary farm in kluang. more bridge. apparently, the farm was half the size of singapore, so we could travel from place to place in the farm on bus. yes you guessed it, even more bridge. the travelling in the bus thingy was really good anyway cos frankly, the whole farm stunk to the core. im so glad i was born a human so at least i know when to bathe and clean up and realise if i was frolicking in my own excrement or not. i mean, the stink was like, YUCKS. i ended up walking here and there breathing thru lee hus shirt as a filter.
got used to the smell niwae, and didnt bother to listen to the guide and just played more bridge. we saw cows, selembu (a cross breed between a kind of buffalo and cows), rabbits, goats, sheep and horses. they did the usual sheep shearing thing, and suddenly the whole arrangement seemed very cruel to me. the sheep seriously looked quite pained, no matter the fact that technically shearing the fur could not have hurt it. maybe it just acclimatised to the pain or sumthing. nevertheless, it looked kinda painful when the man was pulling off some wool that didn come off entirely with the shearer. i couldnt tell whether it was painful or not for the sheep but it certainly looked ouch-inducing.
then, my moment of glory came. we visited the muzium veterinar negara which translates into the national vetrinarian museum. you see, everything there was in malay and the guide was quite useless at explaining the things so i took over to explain the various disgusting things on display. there were castration pics with a whole display devoted to how pigs were castrated and a display of the tools used. then there was a display of how cows were artificially fertilised and even showed two cows humping and some tools used to stimulate the cow. more gross displays on some std's which cows can contract. oh, and the guys learnt a new phrase which i sahnt type here. haha.. it was really fun and funny..
after all that we went for dinner, which was more seafood at this restaurant. difference was, we had half an hour to eat and had to clear out by 7.15 because a wedding dinner was happenning there. it was a two hr drive to the restaurant and we played more bridge while the other side played hearts (i think. and rueben shot the moon. =P). while waiting for our food i went to another table to join my bridge kakis for another round. me and p0ng won =). this dinner, G10 was on a roll; we finished not only our food, but the food of other tables as well. we were starving and nitpicked every morsel off. haha.. as you could have guessed, we were the last group to leave the restaurant.
drove back to the hotel for our shopping time, 3/4 of which i spent distracting hongyue because we needed to shop for his bday gift but he was sticking to me generally like glue so i had a hard time leading him elsewhere. managed to buy sum stuff for myself niwae, thoufgh i didnt buy much due to the lack of time. i didnt even bother to try the clothes, just asked the salesman to measure the clothes for me and paid for them if they fit according to what i could rmb about my sizes. thankfully i could rmb my diesel sizes (they work diffrently from the normal sizes we go by) and quickly managed to get what i needed. after we bought our clothes and hongyue's stuff we went back up to the room to change up, or at least i did. got into more formal clothing for fun.
we went down where they were supposed to do theri zhuowen so i sat around feeling v sian and all. after that, mdm weiling sent us all up to do the zhuowen because the conference room had no tables. so we all trooped back up and i took a long bath and changed up into pe shirt and boxers and sat down to play more bridge with the people who had finished the zhuowen. we ended up playing for quite awhile because we were actually waiting for hongyue to turn up at our rooms (1447 & 1448 - we had connecting doors) so we could celebrate his bday. we even got him a cake ya noe..=) so we waited for about 2 hrs, which meant round after round of intensive bridge. by 1am my eyes were seeing double already and i couldnt concentrate so we ended everything by 1.30+ and our room closed shop by 2am.
me & hULz woke up at 4am tho, and walked around. bumped into reuben, pangwei and zhenghao who had just finished playing strip poker. me, hULz and rueben then went around tryin to find people who were awake. we went to bryant & gary's at 1432 cos we saw that the tv and lights were still on. first we knocked the door. then we banged. then we rang the bell. then we did practically everything. i even *hem hem* at the door, something which i hadnt done for a long time. we made so much noise and i shouted 'f*ck khee ngiap', which was the password to the room (yes, believe it or not). something happend niwae, and both hULzand rueben threw themselves on the ground and hULz accidentally hit my arm in which i was carrying a glass of choc milk and it went flying all over the wall between zhenghao's and bryant & gary's room. yes, we spent another 5min cleaning up, and since we couldnt really find another room that was still awake, we went back to sleep.
day three:
woke up at 8am cos we had to report by 8.30 for bfast. felt very sad cos it was our last hours together. sigh. went for bfast niwae, which was once again very filling. after that we had to report to the conference room for prize giving for the zhuowen competition and the invetion thingy. more sleep for me as it was all in chinese (du-oh). after everything we went back up to our rooms to collect our things to check out and go back home. man it really hit me hard then it was over and done and kukup'03 had come and gone in a blink of an eye. sighs. doing the last minute packing was really depressing and im sure nobody wanted to leave and head for home. but we had to, and that sucked, and it still does. and so we left.
the bridge games on the bus heading back to the checkpoint and singapore became so meanigless suddenly because we were going back and we would never have such games again. didnt enjoy our last rounds much. plus the bus became xtra squeezy and all with all our bags and things inside. reached s'pore and i discovered that jong had left for home from woodlands sop i couldnt get my bag back from him hence i couldnt bring alotta my things tt i had left in school on fri back home. so i stuffed my bag to the max until i could barely carry it and went for lunch with mrs tay and alotta other people at macs.
by then i was really very moody (and still am) because kukup was over. sighh. went home in a cab and slept for three+ hours. slept at 3 and woke up officially at 6+. slept at 9 and woke up at 10.30 today.
reflections:
i woke up today half expecting to see the hotel ceiling. half expecting to go on another bus ride to somewhere. half expecting to play bridge again. half expecting alotta things but hoping strongly against the reality that i was back in singapore at last. the reality really sucks, that this is it. 4 weeks to exam. sighh. it just sucks alot, after 3d/2n of nonstop fun, everything came to a halt, and now its mug time for like 4 wks. this is beyond disgustingly stressful. its just saddening i guess. i wish i didnt have to go home. i wish i could pretend that the holidays never end. but they just have, and that really really sucks to the core. oh well, id better not bitch about it too much in here, else ill remind myself even further that i am back home, back in s'pore, and officially 18 mrt stops to school and 27 days to the exams. man, this sucks.
and my hp bill just arrived, i now owe starhub $193 now. they are seriously going to cut my line soon. i need to conjure up $102 asap, cos thats the super overdue amount. oh well. this month im actually keeping track of the amt of sms that i send to people so it really feels very weird now. ive always prioritised frens and keepin in contact above $ but now i have to thinki a million times before i even come out with a dollar or two. im just so dead broke and it really sucks. having to control spending so strictly after almost never doing before really really feels terrible. in kukup nothing mattered cos i was there for then and nothing was weighing down, but now..
i guess the bad thing about being able to escape for awhile is that you have to come back. and i really really dont want to. but here i am. back to reality. time to deal with it.
i guess this is just a small jolt, but im afraid of what it echoes in the future. if i already cant handle this period of not seeing frens and hitting the books, how am i gonna handle graduation.. what if a close fren leaves for and overseas U aftr tt.. what if i do.. sighh. i cant think about all this now. not just yet. not ready.
im_ouTta_herE
PS: btws to all kukup peeps, amos lu intends to compile a cd of all our pics and i think he wants to sell it for a buck. all those digi cam owners, do send him ur pics yeah. and whoever else who brought a cam there, dun 4get to bring the pics to sch! thanks guys =)
whee_
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i am a total idiot.
i repacked, once again, for the m'sia trip. now i can officially change clothes every 6hrs or so. i think i overpacked. fine, i know i overpacked. i effectively have about two or so outfits a day. haha. im mad. i shall take some out later today if i feel like it. which i highly doubt so anyway, looking at my slightly crazy mood today. very inane i realise doing all these crappy thingys.
im not particularly happy abt anything. barely scraped through with an a1 for geog and even then mdm mas wasnt like happy for me so to speak. sighs. my history is damn doomed and after alot of ppl in 3T failed their chem, i think my chem is dead too. evrything is dead. tmr get back progress report. ultimate dead. sigh.
dammit. i cant log into asknlearn to do the bloody quiz. im doomed.
damn i got no more mood to blog or anything. gdbye.
whee_
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we are at the com lab for our chem lesson. apparently were supposed to learn some stuffs abt ionisation entalphy and electronegativity. as you can tell, it isnt working and we rnt exactly elarning much cos we dont really understand wtf the websites are talking about. lets see, if you have the time, and feel like wasting some time, visit ionisation entalphy and electronegativity.
hm, we went swimming earlier. hairs in a pleasant mess. necks aching quite alot. shuddnt have slept on the floor last nite, no matter how inviting it lookd. suffering the dire consequences now. mr ong: what affects the melting point is the strength of the bond. okie dokies. think ill just copy the ws or sumthing. whoops. we hafta go rite now. bell just rang. catch ya soon den. may go online tonight depending on when my day ends and how it ends.
bye bye.
whee_
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hey. exhausting day. let me list wad ive done so far today.
woke up at 7.30. wriggled around in bed for 2hrs. got up to shower. went back to sleep. got up to mug some history. went back to sleep. mum called, wanted to go for lunch. went to glass hse for lunch. shopped at robinsons. came home. slept. showered. slept. and here i am. online for no reason.
kay fine, so i came online to blog. and stone around. been a very stony day. wish i was more exciting. then got more things to do. been feeling like a major loser lately. everybodys doin something fun and ive been sleeping around in my own bed. how fun is that? lets see..
i dont lan. i dont watch much tv. i dont listen to the radio. i dont play com games. wow. now tt sounds like major fun rite? which kinda results in me being left out in just about everything. how many people in this world just wanna hang out doing nothing? other than paul, nobody i noe even bothers being interested in making music ie. playing guitar and all.
hence my stoning around today. was too tired to do anything. didnt have anything to wake up for niwae. wasnt like going out or anything. so sitting around at home was certainly more boring than sleeping. i mean, if i was asleep at least i could dream and refuse to wake up. oh yeah i had a stomach ache junnow. was reading on the the september programme while utilising the bowl. rocks aint it.
yeah so anyway, i think i shud attempt to be more exciting before i bore myself out. feelin kinda confused now. part of me just wants to be me, ya noe, wad i am right now, in a state of couldnt care-less-ness. then again, i hate sittin around at home hearing about how much fun ppl are havin out there. man, ppl even haf fun at home! all the fun i have at home is thru playin the guitar or solitaire.
i rmb wad matt tay told me. when i told him i didn play com games he was like i tot so coz ur so multi talented. and im lyk, huh? okaaaaay. its nice to know tt some ppl think ur talented. =) but it still sucks knowing that ur life sucks. haha. enigmatic. yeah, my life is so soporific i tell ya. *yawnz* the word.
oh well wadeva. you know me, im just gonna brood over this for like forever and nothin will come outta it. just wish i was more multi dimensional and less shallow. or maybe tts thinkin to deeply. oh well. haha. told you im confused.
ya noe what? escapism rocks. im just gonna pretend tt everythings alright.. yea baby.. even though lifes a freakin mess that pinches me in the butt when i wanna doze off yet shuts my eyes and swtiches off the light when i wanna stay awake. hah. now ttz illusion for ya. come see thru this, come see thru me. there aint much anyway.
i dunno why im bothering with all this. maybe i just like sucking. i mean, im just fond of being depressing. ya noe, it makes other ppl feel good abt themselves. haha. oh well. im beginning to crap around again. as usual.
wish i made more sense. my last entry didnt make sense to 3/4 of the people who read it. sorry. very pedantic yesterday. today i used elementary words. shant bother with brevity. wads the use of wit if nobody appreciates it? insipidity is best. keep it colourless and dun be yourself. be who others want ya to be. think that works. -shrugs-. im no shrink but i think im +ively mad.
whoopeeeeee...
whee_
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