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Copyright © vy
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
hey.
im very bored and sian today. didnt do much. went gym, then to sch then back home and here i am. tomorrow marks the start of drama camp. i cant bear to think about what horrors they have in store for us. rp has always had a special place in my heart because of how much it sucks. im really annoyed at how its being run at the moment, but this has always been how its been. quah sw will only liase with the chairman and itll end up being a two person more or less dictatorship.
year after year the vice chairman is always kept in the dark and th club is pretty much run liddat. pw, this is another reason why im highly resentful. not that i dun try to change it, believe me i do, i did try very hard once.. but.. lets just say something happened and i just stopped trying. not that accepting the way things are is easy either, but i guess, sometimes theres really nothing much that one can do is there?
sigh. there really isnt much that i have to say right now. feeling abit screwd up. but ttz the norm. ill blog again soon.
whee_
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well. hello again.
hari raya has been a big disaster. this year is officially the worst year ever in terms of collection. yes i keep track over the years and i confirmed it. this years collection sucks. usually the first day would be a day of massive takings because all the relatives give cash, in denominations of tens and fifties usually. this year however, the highest amount in a single packet was 50. and get this, i only got one such packet. compare this to last year for example where the highest amount was 100. and i got a coupla fifties too.
yeah but anyway the takings today are horrible. im ashamed to even put it up here because it really really sucks. travelling all around singapore for no reason. sheesh. the only good thing that came outta today was i got to catch up with my fav cousins from my dads side. oh well. maybe dis is retribution for not fasting for that coupla days. ima keep that in mind next year. so in a way, i dun fully "deserve" this hari raya cos i havent earned it fair n proper. but whatever. in summary im just very dissappointed by this years hari raya.
i suddenly feel very old dis year. and ive got no mood for festivities and stuff. its lyk, we do it every year, it gets boring and cliched at times. this sense of deja vu overwhelmed me this year. ive seen this before, i thought, and that was well, very true. but ttz another story for another day.
life.
another sense of deja vu threatens to shroud me. i bitch abt life every other day, i get bored by it. but niwae i read something that interests me, read it quite awhile ago actually but never really had the time to talk about it, and i decided to blog abt it now. the blog en3 tt caught my eye is benny's, the one abt being super self-conscious and stuff? yeah. well.. ttz me as well. somehow his words seem to have been things tt i could have ezily sed as well.
sigh. its so depressins to talk about. imagine how it feels when ur frens make u feel little. imagine how it feels when the person closest, ur bestest fren of sorts to you makes u feel like shit. not cos he intends to, but cos its just the way things are. or at least it seems so. its like, we all have our positions in this world, we all have a certain standing in this world, we are supposed to be good at something and others at other things. ttz how the world is supposed to work rite?
somhow this isnt so. at least, to me. i feel lyk complete bullshit beside some ppl. i cant feel even remotely important or needed or wanted by others when im around these people. as i sed, i cant say comfortably that i can do at least one thing better than these people. and ultimately, its these kinda feelings that make up our self esteem, they give us value and make us, well, love ourselves. well around these people, i cant. not that there is much to love anyway.
sigh. this is just major depressing. i cant bear to continue any longer.. maybe another time.. bye den, will upd8 soon..
whee_
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hi.
interesting isnt it. i did the very thing that i swore never to do again, the very thing that caused me to shut down my livejournal last time. yes, i spoke my mind. as ive realised once again, it isnt exactly the wisest thing to do. esp on a public domain. yeah but aniwae, its taught me something; that more than one person may be right at any one time. and i think thats the case here.
this is just a result of alot of resentment being aggregated into these feelings. call it jealousy, envy whatever. its probably all of that. i shall just have to watch what i say next time. now i noe why people shut down blogs; cos they cant blog about what they really want to blog about. but then again, online self-exhibitionism gave rise to the blog. so why have a blog if u dun want others to read it? and if u cant blog abt what u really want to blog abt cos u noe its on a public domain then wads the pt of having a blog? the enigma persists.
im going around in circles. i dunno why i chose to say what i did in the first place. i guess its just frustrating watching people have it so easy sometimes. after awhile u just get very tired of trying. two different ways of getting to the same place, of getting to the cca A1, one fun and relatively bearable and the other a road to hell. if u travelled on the latter wouldnt u b jealous of those riding the former? sigh. i noe i am.
ive worked hard to make sure my cca will def be an A1 and that my testimonial will be nice and full. sometimes it gets irritating to c others get to the same place that you have slaved to arrive at with ease. but i guess thats all just part of life. cares an enemy to life indeed. maybe i shud just stop caring and see what happens next. i dread to even wonder.
sometimes things are genuinely outta your control, just like most of the things ive been bitching about. sure it is true to some extent that it really is up to the individual what he wants to take out of his cca, no denying tt PW but sometimes.. sigh. saying it is one thing, but getting it done is another. sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just cant get that elusive thing that youve been working so hard for. the pain whence the thing u want so bad slips from your grasp is astounding.
and i think im just taking out all my frustration here, quite unfairly, to other people. sure, everybody is entitled to their own opinions but i guess i should noe better than to make > a small deal outta them. theres more to life than comparing and wanting to be the best. but what, i do not noe.
the lives we lead, the way we exist, everything, has got to do with wanting the best and being up there. for some reason, this culture has infected most of us in many ways unimaginable to man. i suppose.. that saying tt some cca sucks doesnt change anything. and it doesnt. i just wanna make my stand known on the issue. i felt so much anger when i wrote what i did. just so very pissed about everythibng that has been going on.
sure its true that it depends on how involved u wanna be in the activities and that the scouts dont always have to hog the limelight but its undeniable that they start at a completely different level from the others. they just have so many more things to do, and sometimes, they do it better than most. it just.. doesnt seem fair to some extent. situational leadership, ie. taking advantage of the members strengths shouldn revolve around the same people if u noe what i mean.
maybe i was also frustrated by the fact that a scout got us lost. for hours. no i am not angry with him or anything.. i dunno what is it that i feel. its a mixture of disappointment and resignation. people always say, its just a game, but i think thats bull. its never a game. those who say it are either those who win, or those who have given up hope on themselves. life is a big competition. outwit outplay outlast indeed. im saddened that ive grown to become so myopic about this. but i just cant help it. society has moulded all to be full of this sorta crap. at least i noe im full of it.
im just bullshitting around as usual. sigh. maybe another time would be better for me to talk about all this. but one things for sure. im sorry. just please ignore any of the shit that i write here. im not sure why i write it anyway. im going mad. hah. okay okay im sorry. sigh.. i think this is a form of escapism for me. to bitch about evrything to make it seem as though i didnt suck thru my complete own fault. sigh, oh well. at least now i noe i do. im just sorry that it had to be at the expense of other things.
bye then. cya soon. tmrs hari raya. cheers.
whee_
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some quick words to say that i dont think that my last post about scouts was unfair. there4 i shant back down from whatever i said because i feel that it is true. at least most of it. yes, i should think so. oh please feel free if u wanna lambast rp or debaters or wdv im in because hey, if its fair comments, then i have no problem with it. its not as if i think my cca is all that great because it isnt.
so if your looking for an apology, i do apologise, not for posting whatever i did, but for hurting anybody's feelings. please dont take it too harshly on yourselves lahh, its not as if im criticising you, im just commenting on your cca. hey i am entitled to that arent i?
hey, that doesnt mean scouts arent a good cca. i suppose when you do have fun, it really is fun. i have to concede that channel 01 was really great, no doubts about that and no regrets for going. but itas just other aspects of the cca that im none too happy about and im sure others feel the same way as well, which is why the cca is treated with some disdain by other rafflesians, mainly the sporting kind. yea well, there must be a reason why they scorn it rite..
but thats a story for another day. ive said my piece. fire away..
whee_
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im really very bored. i cant believe i havent posted for 8 days. ok i take that back, i believe it. life has been breezing by at a pace fatser than i can keep up with and ive gotten tired of trying to document this so-called life. wow so many things have happened i cant even begin to rmb what exactly i did over this past few, rather many, days. hmm.. lets start with ccal camp.
CCAL CAMP '03
horrible in most senses of the word. i didnt fast i admit. yes i didnt. but tts besides the point. i actually got burnt so badly i began to peel. even obs didnt do this to me. sea eX was ok but land eX was major bullshit sia. ill nvr get over the fact tt these camps should just be called scout camps. because in sooth tts wad they really are. land eX nearly became a who-has-the-most-scouts-wins thing. all the navigation was just reduced to another orienteering session. tent-pitching and shit, guess whos gd at that. land eX was really a hike and i wonder who does hikes. outdoor "cooking" i wonder who does tt too. even sea eX, involving kayaking, i wonder who does that.
even the bloody leadership profile is freaking bullshit. it has one section where you record down your achievements, but hold your horses! these achievements are for any proficiency courses and bullshit that you have taken. and puh-lease tell me which cca group other than those scouts do such things? since when do sportsmen take kayaking courses? since when does any other cca group do that? utter crap i tell you.
of course my group had the distinction of pretty much sucking. we had a total number of two sportsmen, one of which is a bloody slacker. but whatever, i swore to myself that i would get through that silly camp and i did. even though it was a horrible experience. its terrible you noe, losing. i felt so helpless summore, cos there wasnt much i cud do to change the fate of my group. and my group had that bastard of a prefect who i hate so much. man i wish i could bash his head in.
im glad to say that i made some friends though. the camp changed my opinion of three people, namely rich, ramana and chor kiang. i didnt use to like rich, but i see now that tt was most likely cos the opinion of others abt him prob influenced mine. the camp, i must say, changed my opinion of him nicely. ramana as well. i didnt like him before cos.. well its a long story. however hes really quite nice ya noe.. and chor kiang! hes such a nice person i cant believe i didnt c that earlier.. i tot he was some %&*% mugger from THAT class and was generally an ass. but that so isnt true and im glad to say that.
hmm.. ive pretty much banished most of my memories of the camp to kingdom come cos the camp was a true horror. so if ive anything to add i will do that later.
WEP @ POWER 98
not a bad experience at all, i must say i did have fun. wasnt in a very good mood in the first place tts another story. i wish we could have done more though, our airtime was so short. 15min of fame became more like 30 seconds on air. yeah but i had fun nonetheless. learnt a coupla things abt radio that i didnt noe from before. hope u guys liked my goodbye to that woman, hopefully i dont get screwd for it or anything cos i noe for a fact that there were teachers tuning in that nite. oh well. pray.
SCOUTS
arghhhh i hate scouts! after ccal camp my dislike for them was made concrete. has anybody ever thought, how much of a cca scouts is? the answer: very fking little. they meet even less often than some merit ccas! and they still get the same number of cca points as compared to more hardworking ccas. and on the days they meet, its not as if its very much. just the other day they had a nice little day out at sentosa. how sweet. yes they meet on saturdays only.
and wads more annoying is that these idiots get centrestage in camps such as ccal camp. its so irritating.. i hardly call tying knots, building structures that have no relevance to urban singapore and 'dancing' a cca. its more like a leisure club tha5t u get full points for joining. yea so what if you have pt. how physically demanding it sounds. its quite unfair really, i should think that it shoudl be made into a merit cca. just because they have 3 camps a year or so doesnt mean they should get automatic core status. god they even have a den for them. some of the other core groups have to resort to sharing equipment for godssakes.
man itds really so unfair.. i dunno why but my dislike for them just resurfaced as a result of land eX at ccal camp. and alotta other things lahh. shit i really dunno wads up with me. this must be my coping reflexes. well fuckit.
LIFE
... sucks. these holidays have not been much of a hols and promises to only get worse. i got so many things to do i dunno where to start. im still quite dazed by alotta things that have happened so far. still quite angry and annoyed and pissed off and depressed. aiyah shit lahh i dunno wad else to say alrd. my mind is so empty and my head is throbbing. this is not a good state to be in when blogging. i dunno wtf mite come out. sheesh. later then. when i recover from wdv it is that it plaguing me rite now.
BYE
whee_
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kae i havent exactly been blogging cos ive no mood to blog. kinda the same now. now i noe why peoples blogs die. why jenhan upd8s once a month. sometimes there really is nothing to blog abt. sometimes whining gets tiring. sometimes life just sucks. like for example the o lvls was quite screwed up. im damn scared i dont get an A1 or even an A2. and if i dont.. sigh. its just kinda sucks to do badly all the time lahh. i tot the paper was ok until i reached the comprehension and my jaw practically dropped. the compre was so completely dumb and the qns they asked were something that we were never prepared for. they even changed the classic question 41! paper 1 was not too bad.. u the letter was unbelievably stupid and screwed up and i just hope i dont do too badly. im really praying i get a distinction cos i really wanna do higher malay next year. i officially feel bad for my performance this year, esp considering what our teacher has done and sacrificed for us, and hopefully ill get a chance to make up for my horrible performance and attitude and everything else. sigh.
kk i gtg now. ill blog again soon. maybe late next week actually. cos got the horrible ccal camp. they sed tt they will give us muslim boys less to do because were fasting but thats kinda bullshit. maybe ill do what the muslim ccals did last year and not fast. sigh. horrid. on a lighter note. ill be on air on power 98 this coming thursday nite from 9-11 some work exposure thing. cya den. hopefully.
whee_
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