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Copyright © vy
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Sunday, February 29, 2004
lets talk about.. nothing.
lifes so silly. humans are so stupid. silly stupid us. at some point in our lives we must wonder, why are we here? how theological. sometimes the most important questions are those that dont have a good answer. to err is human to forgive divine. then i must be exceedingly human in that case. but ive always wondered is to forgive to err?
i dont know. i suddenly lost interest in continuing this blog entry. im just.. well.. tired. very weary of everything that has been going on in life lately. ivve got so many things that ive gotta be paying attention too like i very well shud b butt as usual my focus is never on the right places. i always end up prioritising the wrong things over n over again. im trying my best now to do what my head tells me to do, which is to busy myself with the correct things. but i wonder, what are the correct things?
last time i always considered you the correct thing. the one and only thing that really mattered to me. but.. i dont know. yesterday i was my uncles place and running up and down his hse just brought so many fond memories back. sigh. i had such a great time there previously, it just felt very lonely to be doing the same things there but this time alone. w/o you there. lonely lonely lonely.
but i guess things are beginning to right themselves. i mean, im beginning to feel less dependant on attention from you, of which i get none anyway so wads the point of pining for it right? and well, i dont know. the memories havent begun to fade yet and i nvr will allow them to fade. last nite i had a dream about you. at this rate it wont be so bad, from a dream every night its going to be a dream every week or so. tts manageable.
the only thing that bothers me now is just you know, seeing you n stuff. tts really the hardest part now. i mean, if you would be so kind as to just walk out of my life completely it would b awfully generous of you but i guess, you wont. ive learnt that your selfishness was perhaps something that i overlooked previously. its ok if you love yourself more than you care abt me, because thats how i feel too. im glad we still have common ground.
i guess i cant blame you if, well, you are like dis. i mean, there must be a reason why i hated you to death in sec two. i guess perhaps i shud have remembered that, and why i hated you so. i dunno. kelly clarkson is right. the trouble with love is, you cant refuse the call. im sorry for that. i believe in love still despite everything. maybe one day youd realise that this was all a big mistake too and if that day comes, ill b right here waiting.
other than that lifes pretty much sad. ive never had to focus so much on putting my life in order. last time, if things between us were in order, everything else wud b alright to me, no matter how deplorable the state of things were. i guess ive to really work hard now. to be who i was meant to be. someone capable. someone loving. someone.. who errs n forgives. someone whos human like evrybody else.
dont you remember you told me you love me baby.. you said youd b coming back this way again..
i love you"
whee_
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hey.
do you noe the feeling that overcomes you as you lie under the covers of your bed, in the shroud that is the cool dark night, just waiting to fell asleep. the feeling of insecurity and loneliness as you rest your weary self on the springs of the painfully creaky mattress just staring into the coagulating dark, wondering why you are here. wondering why youre here all alone.
i do. i wonder why im all alone. sleeping is so lonely. lying all alone in the dark is scary. the dark overwhelms and reminds you how small you are. staring into the ceiling as your pupils dilate. grabbing the bolster to offer comfort to yourself. im so lame. everyday before i go to sleep i pretend that my bolster is you and i tell it whatever i want to say to you. and never open my eyes again till the next morning. i dont want to open them lest i see that the bolster is just a bolster and isnt you.
if i could change the world.. i would be the sunlight in your universe. but you wont let me. your blinded by something.. isit a snese of duty? i dont know. stupidity perhaps? whatever it is i just dont understand at all. and all the lies.. they really hurt me alot. the deceit. and it just makes it sound as though all that has happened is my fault. is it really? tell it to my face then. i dare and challenge you.
sigh. how do i live like this. on the verge of crumbling and collapsing each time. i cant. i musnt. i shuddnt. but its so hard. and impossible. dammit. damn dis all. i dont deserve this. sigh.
whee_
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hiya bloggy honey!
ok i dunno why im even bothering to pretend that im happy. cos im not. its pretty silly to try to pretend. but.. owell. if i had a choice i would wanna b happy. but.. well that choice seems to be very outta reach now. u noe bloggy, i like u cos u dun judge me, u dun reply to wad i have to say, but just absorb everything tt i have to say.
sigh. i dunno lahh. oh shat. ive to do my stupid malay compo. darnd it. ill blog ltr den gotta run. must do it or risk my head. cya soon bloggy baby.
whee_
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the difference between you and me is that i am a strong believer in what i believe is right. i will not sit down and take anything shoved down my throat as the divine truth. because it rarely is. i choose my own way of life, my own path. i choose to be proven wrong, not to shy away from tthe path less trodden upon.
i choose to be free of convictions and live a life liberated from what the world tries to force upon me. with you, we lived in this bubble of insouciance. now, the bubble has burst and the sky has fallen but my beliefs still flow strongly in my soul. my heart u possess and even in the cruel trappings that is your body and soul, i noe that deep inside your heart you noe that this is all a big mistake.
u are stronger than this, id like to believe. i cannot fight this fight alone and expect to win, but you bet that i will try my very best to make sure that what we had never ever is downplayed or undermined. you noe it as well as i do that things, while it lasted, was absolutely perfect. there was nothing intrinsically wrong with the relationship and you must admit that, otherwise we would have realised it earlier, perhaps months earlier?and perhaps something would have gone wrong?
you have decidedto place yourself in the cage that society has defined for you. i refuse to do that. i have shed countless tears over this. all the heartbreak.. it must lead to something. do you really think id like to pursue something this far if i truly believed that it was wrong? if i even had the slightest doubt that things could be alright again once we both are on the same side?
youve changed. i dont noe how and why but you have changed so drastically. you arent the person i fell for anymore. the lies. the deceit. the torment. just when i thought i reached the bottom you sent me into an abyss that even i had never imagined before in the dark depths that is my cursed soul. i dont have many words left to say. you know i love you still.
one last cry before i leave it all behind. one last cry before i get you outta my mind. one last cry.. is one too few. youve broken me apart, torn me into pieces and fed my remains to the dogs. if i cud ever ask for one thing from you, my darling, it would be for you to return me whats mine. my heart, my love, my sacrifices, my gifts, my soul. if u truly wanna forget then return me all those. but.. its not possible.
i gave evrything in hope of nurturing a beautiful relationship. it was amazing. i want all that back. i want the feeling back. ive never yearned for anything more in my life than to be happy. it made the both of us happy. why this road? why this selfishness? why dis pain? why me? baby i gave you everything. and look where i am now. lost. without many things to live for. i put aside everything for you, and now its all catching up with me. wad am i gonna lose now? ive lost you. my captaincy. wads next, my life?
the happiness of the months before i owe it all to us. giving love and getting it in return was fantastic. i was in heaven and you were my angel. you still are. i cant believe how desperate ive been about this whole thing. ive ditched religion, family, society, my life and things that should matter to me. i even prayed to satan tt he should deliver me and bring you back into my arms. i offered my soul in return, and i prayed so hard. looks like even satan has shunned me.
life, you turn your back on me. love, you close your door at my face. evrything comes crumbling down. all the kings horses and all the kings men couldnt put humpty dumpty together.
again.
whee_
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fish.
i had a dream last nite that u came back to me. and i cried n cried this morning. just like last night. this is shitty.
as long as the stars shine down from the heavens, as long as the rivers flow to the sea, ill never get over you, getting over me.
whee_
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sigh.
im outta words of what to say. i guess u guys musta heard already about my.. demotion sacking firing whatever. sigh. i dunno wad to say alrd so i will refrain from saying anything.
i just want things to b alright again. but its too late. nothing lasts forever. im sorry i cant be perfect.
seriously. sigh.
bah.
whee_
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hey.
hi blog, hi readers, hi other students, hi people who want to get me into trouble, hi teachers, hi parents, hi families of other people, hi to everyone.
things are changing n the tide is turning. and the internet.. has turned against me again as well. this is an official shutdown of my blog, at least until i figure out what to do. and to all those smartasses, seriously, i noe wad im doing and im tired of lying about it, so i tell more or less the truth on my blog, so just leave me alone. and go away.
yep. ill cya guys then. soon i hope. after ive figured out what the hell ima do.
whee_
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no. this is not happening. no. ive to try harder to pretend. i must. i must. for myself. i must. i will try harder to live out this lie. i will. i must. i can.
whee_
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nights are lonely days are so sad
just kept thinking about the love that we had
im missing you
and nobody knows it but me
today was the single most horrible day for the whole week. not that much of the week has passed in the first place. i felt so lonely even though i was not alone for most of the time. it struck me how hopeless everything in the morning before assembly. screwd up a malay compo test as a result, because i could not think clearly at all. carried this frustration on to other lessons. tried my best to look cheerful to alvin goh so as to allay any fears he may have had asa to how i was doing. sigh. after school went to sakae with everyone. then.. kinda went home. alone of course. as usual. but at least the crowdedness of the bus helped me keep my mind off things and i was so freakin tired anw tt i kept falling asleep and when i reached home, i went to sleep as well.
which reminds me; since last week ive been eating ice cream everyday. before i reach home id drop by caltex and buy a few sticks and eat them in a row at home before i fall asleep and sleep till i bathe and then immediately go online like dis. its mainly to stave off loneliness you see. and even though it has a 20% fat content ice cream makes me feel good so there.
sigh. where is the love. uhuh. its a question tt id like to ask. and max is right. sometimes u gotta think carefully, if its the person u miss or the loving and being loved. i have to agree somehow. its like.. the emptiness really arises from the latter. who wuddnt miss being loved? i noe i do. im slowly adjusting to all this crap and all the changes in routine and stuff.
iron fist. yes jireh. iron fist. i guess youre right. u usually are.
nights are lonely days are so sad
just kept thinking about the love that we had
im dying inside
and nobody knows it but me
whee_
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hey.
id just like to apologise to maxwell who pretty much must feel very left outta things nowadays. really, james doesnt mean all that and im getting the attention from everybody simply because i need the support now.. im really sorry.. i am not as u put it, james' new toy or whatsoever. hes just being a good friend now that i need him alright? and so is everyone else.. im so srry if u feel that its at your expense..
sigh. this is so screwed up. nevermind. im sure tomorrow will be bttr. it looks like it mite be a good day alrd. mite meet up with my seniors after school for some coffee and much needed talk. owell we'll see. =]
i believe in miracles.
whee_
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love. what is love?
i hope you remember as i do. for without love, man is an animal. love makes the world go round. and love will lead you back. someday. i just noe it. love will lead you back to my heart. where you belong.
love. what is love?
its you. its me. its everyone of us. love will lead us all back. love save us all.
whee_
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ok. one of the few things that kinda cheered me up and made me hopeful, well somewhat, has been kinda dashed right now. owell. today was decidedly bad and horrible and disgusting and as usual very very very screwd up. i thought i handled it pretty well for the most of today until the afternoon where i could not take it anymore so i kinda just had an outburst of a zillion feelings and my water bottle is smashed as a result. it was just then when i realised that things were not gonna be as easy as the weekend. the weekend, being in almost constant solitude or in the company of everyone else wasnt so bad. but now.. i dont know lahh. things are just abit screwy right now.
i dont even noe wad i can say in this blog anymore because people will be reading it. friends and even enemies are fine, but any undesirables? oh no no no. sigh. so there. i cant really think of wad else to say right now. just a moment ago i did something tt i stopped myself from doing everytime i tot abt it, which was to, well, nvm. i dont think i can say it here anyway so whatever.
i miss you.
whee_
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youniverse.
im so glad i went. cheered me up alot. bought sunflowers for everyone cos i didnt wanna just give roses like everyone else. play was good, though a little confusing in the first act. am still very sick today and didnt wanna go at first but i told myself tt if i didnt go and stayed home i wouldnt see all my friends and wouldnt get better anyway so wth. and no regrets definitely.
i never had a dream come true
till the day that i found you
even though i pretended i move on
you'll always be my baby
today wasnt so bad except for the morning all the way till about four in the afternoon. i was so frickin lonely then. but after that was constantly surrounded by everyone, all my friends who i care about and care for me so i felt really good. though i still thought about you i tried my best not to let it cloud my mind too much. watching youniverse really made me think.
about what your parents may have told you and all. when mr lai was like scolding jean and all telling her that he only wants wads best for her and that she was his daughter and she should listen to him and all and those sorta things. and how she finally relented and sorta gave in to his demands just because she was his daughter and all. and how chris and xing kinda broke up so to speak on stage. and wdv? yeah. made me sad. but at least jean had guts and spirit. i wish you had fought against the odds like she did. sigh. because id be right there fighting along with you instead of being all alone in this battle right now.
oh wells. id just like to thank everyone for their concern kae? im rlly rlly srry for worrying you guys. i will try my best to b ok and b happy because.. well because i have got to. lifes so complicated right now. i just wish i had you back. but.. i dont suppose that might happen anytime soon aniwae. im so envious of ppl like pong. can maintain both a busy schedule and a relationship. i wish i could. lesson learnt: love with caution i guess. and give your heart to those that will give theirs to you as well. with no strings attached.
feel abit scared now though. i feel myself falling for somebody else. this is of course, not supposed to happen at all. im not supposed to fall for anyone, not now definitely. but its like my heart wants to fall in love again. it misses the feeling of loving someone and being loved in return. but at the same time im scared of loving once again. after all the pain and hurt. i dont know lahh. this is all happening so fast. i dont know what the hell is going on. today, as i was smsing, i typed in "love ya" unconsciously and didnt realise it. quite scary i dont even noe why it happened.
sigh. i dunno lahh. id better think about this a little more before i blog summore.
whee_
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hey.
last nite was absolutely crappy. dreamt about something tt i didnt wanna dream about. it was horrible. then my sec one called me up at 5+ to ask how to do some geog question. sigh. i can really feel the loneliness kicking in now. if im blogging so often now, its a huge sign. the last time i blogged this often was when i was depressed, half a year+ ago? and it was because this person had broken my heart. now, im back to this state of hanging in there because of the same reason.
i have so much time to blog now and stone around cos all the time tt i used to spend w tt person is suddenly freed. and its so sudden n shocking i dunno wad im supposed to do. life is so different. i cant rmb wad life was without tt person. sigh.
the fire that burns within your heart
the pain that tears your life apart
the rain that falls from broken skies
the love i lost beneath the light
and must i face this truth alone
is this the end of all ive known
the years i gave the tears i cried
why dream of love when love has died
i never knew that id sing this song n truly mean it. i feel so alone in this world rite now. i have so many frens who are giving me alotta advice n all but only very few truly truly support me. everyone gives me sermons that i dont wanna hear no more. tls did me a huge favour by saying tt he wont impose his beliefs on me. because tts the way it shud be. it used to be the two of us against the whole world. now..
its quite sad really isnt it. if i were somebody else, looking at my misery, id pity me immensely. sigh. now im not sure wad to do. ive to pick myself up somehow and get on going. i will love again, even if it takes a lifetime i will love again. but deep inside my heart will always belong to this person. i had nvr ever felt this way for another b4 and tts wad the person sed to me too. now.. oh well.
the good times we shared.. evrything.. its so hard to let go. im a freaking walking memory of wad we had. we did so many things together i cant even rmb when we were apart for more than a day. oh yes, we were apart for 3 days once in december hols and tt really was it. besides tt we were kinda together every day. and during those three days also at least this person had a handphone. now, tt person has gotten back the phone but doesnt even bother to reply to my smses or anything. but maybe its cos the person cant. i dunno.
thats how big a part of each others lives we were. inseperable. but.. maybe tt doesnt mean a thing anymore. i dunno. but meanwhile ima try to mend my heart. yesterday someone offered to try and replace the huge gap left behind by tt person. tts rlly sweet i must say and thank you for it. i can make it somehow. with everyone behind me i can. sigh. i will make it. i must. there is no other way.
whee_
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im at home today.
was on mc but decided to come to school for lit test which i didnt do too well and to talk abt stuff and all. sadly, it didnt help. i dont noe wad ill do now. the emptiness inside is beyond anything tt i have ever experienced before in my whole life. im too young for this sorta pain. how do you deal with the pain that comes when someone who rejected you so painfully twice, then gets into a relationship of sorts with you and then wants to discontinue wad this person has had with you all of a sudden. i done even noe wad to feel. ive cried so much over the past few days i cant shed another tear.
everything happened so quickly tt it caught me offguard. the way tt the person treated me before lasst wkend and after it was so different. it was as though this person had been brainwashed. completely. im so afraid. im hoping things will return to normal cos my heart is really beyond shattered. its like.. i cant even find some pieces of it anymore. i try to look deep inside me and find the strength to carry on and pull myself together and be strong but its becoming very impossible. the thing tt held my life together is walking out on me.
im absolutely dying and i cant cope right now. everything aches. i feel so sick. my body is disgusted with me and the way i treat myself and tt person has treated me. and i keep telling myself, no that person doesnt mean it, its just the pressure and all but.. sigh. im trying to pull back together a life that was nonexistent without this person. how do you live without breathing? how do u survive without a heart? my heart was stolen away a long time ago. now its just bashed up and very hard to repair once again.
but i just cannot let go. i want the old times back. im gonna try damn hard to get back wad i once had. if i fail, at least i noe i tried. id rather die trying than not try at all. yeah, dying. thought abt it alotta times. it seems so nice and easy doesnt it? but im a bloody fking coward. i cant even bring myself to end my life cos im too scared to die. and you noe wad? if i dont pull myself back together theeyre gonna tell my parents. the teachers that is. thats why from now i have to bounce around like my old self if not they will reveal all, and that will seriosuly seriously hurt me even more. this is too painful for me to bear. i dont even have time to grieve anymore.
its as though this person has died from my life. firstly its because everything happened so suddenly. secondly i had no time to say goodbye. thirdly cos i cant do a single fk abt it. how can i deal with tt? im 15 for godssakes. i am genuinely dying im telling you, dying and dying and withering away, hanging on the edge just waiting to fall into the inviting abyss below. everyday now i pray tt god will be merciful and deliver from this pain and sufferable sorrow. but nothing of this sort works simply because ive effectively ditched my own religion. ive drunk, eaten wrongly, and not prayed a gazillion times so i cant even turn to god for this. im ashamed.
im ashamed tt i have to cry everyday uncontrollaby. im ashamed tt im too cowardly to end my life. im ashamed that i have to worry so many people. im so srry guys.. all of u who have been so concerned. i wish i could share everything with you people but its really hard to say wad happened and trust me on that please. everythiong just hurts so much. i cant describe how i feel anymore. today i woke up hoping that yesterday was a bad bad dream. then i realised it wasnt and that everything tt happened was real. too real. and i just cant take this.
my heart hass really been shattered. tts an understatement really. now im hearing 'come what may' on the tv and i think im gonna cry. how can u just walk away from me and all i can do is watch you leave? "come what may, i will love you, until my dying day". i just cant take this. i cant. i cant. i cant. im so srry everyone. if anyone out there feels srry for me, push me onto the path of an oncoming vehicle. help me forget that i lost everything including my life. my life.. that was what this person was to me. and still is. no mttr how much ive been hurt by this person, i still love this person so much.
im stuck in this. im stuck. and i cant cope. i rlly cant.
whee_
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my life has crumbled into dust.
the pain.. of losing somebody tt means so much to you is unbearable. ive been a complete mess these past few days. and i foresee tt the future will b very bleak and things will never be the same again. and the worse thing is i cant even tell people abt wad is going on. and everybody's asking so many questions. my heart is really shattered into a zillion pieces. after i was told abt tt thing, it just snapped. i just plopped myself on the ground and cried and cried and cried. hmm its becoming a habit now.
i just cant let go. its simply impossible and unfair to expect me to do so. i just cant take this sorta hurt anymore. a part of me has died and i feel so lonely. life is not working out for me at all. and it really just hurts. because the one thing that helped pull together my life last time, is the very thing tt is going away and leaving a trail a dust and me crying. a whole damn lot. sigh. i cant talk anymore. ima go cry summore.
whee_
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