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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
sigh. my body needs the sleep desperately but i refuse to cave in. today i slept for half the lessons but i really cant afford to allow myself to be caught in a situation where all i can think about is the wrong things. those times before i sleep where im staring into the night sky, alone.
i dont know. i really dont. i cant lie and say i understand. cos i really dont and i think ive said it enough times to rub it in already. i jus want life to stop being the nightmare that it often is. i want to be happy again. with you. like it was for a very long time before this. i dont believe that you can honestly say that you miss nothing of that. we gave far too much. i put in far too much. you dont jus cast something like that aside. and thats something i wish people saw as well. instead of trying to break everything down, but help build it back up again.
why dont people see that its a better solution. i have a pretty good idea why. most jus approach this with a some sort of judgement already so im automatically wrong. so the other way must be right. well, this way that all of you pick for me isnt making me feel any better. could it be then, perhaps we should venture down the other road? because now im lost there all alone by myself. i need friends who can guide me to the end of the road, not back to where we started so that we can take the other path.
this is my choice.. ive chosen this route so why not support me instead of trying to make me "see the light" and other whatnot? its got nothing to do with light anyway. i jus wish people would understand that theyre only making things more difficult for me by trying to wrench me away from my dreams. without hope what is mankind. sigh. but sometimes hope is foolish and optimism, stupidity.
i never ever had this much time to blog before. only looking back now do i realise how lonely i truly feel. the feeling when your surrounded by friends but nobody who you feel that you can share your life with. when the one person youve ever really built your life around suddenly disappears with no last goodbye. i feel like a stranger in this world that has grown alien to me. i thought the world was a loving place cos you loved me. now i really wonder.
in debates you mus prove that what you say is true, really is true. and thats why i never understood your reasons. the links were spurious at best and ridiculous at other times. dont make me believe assertions that we never ever believed in before. why you changed your mind in 48 hours i will probably never get to find out.. but ill try to rack my brains once more to come up with some reason, or even an excuse, that could justify this.
i dont know. this is a cry for help. i need it. desperately. people keep saying that theyre there for me but when push comes to shove, who really sticks around. sigh. i have only myself in this, and more often than not, most of me doesnt want to help myself cos im jus not good enough to be helped. not good enough for you. not good enough for your family. not good enough for this world. not good enough for the system. not good enough for society. not good enough for god. not good enough for my friends.
and when the sun rises in a few hours ill wake up, wash my face and remind myself that ive made it through another day; only another 24 hours of pain and suffering to endure before the cycle repeats. at least theres a cycle so its predictable. some other things in life are just.. unfortunate. like that incident that happened on the twenty third of march nineteen eighty eight at ten in the morning.
god musta been drunk when he made me.
whee_
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my whole body aches. its crying for sleep but i dare not go now. sigh. i dont know. im so damn tired of writing about how i feel when it gets me hardly anywhere. sigh. owell. later.
whee_
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i feel asleep last night while starting tthe com up. freaking fuck.
well anyway i got that sweeping extension that i was talking about. all my work is due only at the end of the week. not that i have much time anyways. sigh. i just slaved away the whole night typing a malay compo which is far too long because it beats about the bush far too many times and is damn sucky. i think ill get like 45/70 if im lucky. sigh. as if i needed to be taken on yet another guilt trip. fish lahh i really hate this. reading the compo makes me want to puke. i jus wasted my whole bloody night typing this lousy excuse for crap. dammit. i hate this.
went to cut my hair today. bought new shoes yesterday. i think theyre too nice for me. sigh. i shouldnt have blown so much cash on them. sigh. im doing that thing again. spending too much money when im depressed. buying nice things to distract me. well for the good of my wallet id better stop it. soon anyways. sigh. i slept during geog and phys prac today. i jus couldnt take it, the weariness was getting to me so much and i was really dying and i swear i couldnt help it. sigh. today has been a mad rush of everything.
well anyway. i decided on something. ill live this out on my own. i only have myself plus friends who are exclusively mine. those who arent really arent my friends. cos those who cant see through that facade (and mine) really jus dont understand. and for their sakes im gonna withdraw myself. save their sanity since mine cant be saved anymore. ill make it on my own somehow cos i know deep down that i have nobody. that i am more or less alone.
sometimes people do the smallest thinga and hurt me in immeasurable ways. if youre really my friend, youd understand what i mean. if you want me to do something, incentivise it. right keith? sigh. what happened right before you entered my class and i gave you that sad smile really absolutely tore me apart. again. but nevermind, since everyfuckingbody does it anyway and sees nothing wrong in doing so.
and akesh? i dont think you understand what youre really saying. but nevermind. ill jus shutthefuckup. dont get me wrong, i youre not the only one to tell me all that so it isnt your fault or anything. collective responsibility.
jongs right. there arent many easy ways to go. we jus discussed the possibility of using mercury but i thought about it and realised that its a gross and painful way to go. so strike that of the list. strike of drinking and and OD of panadols as well. as ive learnt, in a perhaps not so easy way, they dont particularly work with pleasing efficacy.
sigh. with not many options left, i dont know. leslie cheungs death anniversary is in a few days. its been one year since he died cos he lost a loved one to another. but he jumped. very messy, scary and likely to be painful too. sigh. are you worth dying for? ive always believed so. and i know that you know that too. but hell aint ready for this demon yet. and since the gates of heaven are shut upon me as well, i guess i have to stick around while gabriel and lucifer draw lots for this worthless soul.
so mote it be.
whee_
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im tired. i havent done a thing for ilearning yet. im going offline now to do some written work. be back again by 2 i promise. i need to blog later anyway. im dying to let go.
whee_
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our semis are in a couple of hours. i am dying. my eyes are swollen from staring at the monitor and crying. and head throbs with all the thoughts housed in them and all the gymnastics my braincells have had to do today. my heart is in the usual shreds that it is. my fucking body aches to high heavens. i am a failure in trying to take care of myself. getting only 3-4 hours of sleep everyday for the past two weeks will kill me eventually.
at least im ready for that now.
its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair its not fair .
i didnt do it. i couldnt help it. i tried my best. i gave my all. i died inside. but i will always live to remember the pain and the hurt. nobody really understands. people approach this with a predisposed mindset already so whats the use of trying to explain and expound. it only makes me cry and hurt more.
id like to think that i dont deserve it. prove me wrong. dont just wish me dead okay, do it. and if you dont want your hands dirty let someone else do it. like kalpy said, you do want me to okay again right? yah. hypocrisy of the ages. the usual pretence. well stop it already. dont front for the sake of fronting. be honest and frank. stop lying dammit. stop it. im sick and tired of all the lies. all of you just shutthefuckup and gofarfarfarawayyy leave me and myself alone okay.
i dont need this. i dont want this. when suhas asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i said 'happy'. and i still believe that. dont you fucking take me happiness away from me. dont you fucking dare. dont you fucking fucking dare. i tried so hard i did i swear i did. there was nothing i didnt do that i could have nothing i didnt give that i could have. and now things have become this way.
i didnt mean to hurt anybody i really didnt. i swear i didnt mean to hurt anybody. please if i were to be gone tomorrow dont treat it any differently from the ant that you squash under your foot without noticing. ive made up my mind to withdraw myself from everything as much as i can so that i will never again make a ripple in anyones lives so that i can never hurt them in any way nor be hurt by them.
i will not be fooled again. i will just stay and rot away here. peace be upon us all, light shine down the path that we trod upon today. i choose this path. if i die tomorrrow at least id know that ive been true to myself all the time. i fucking hell love you come hell or high water and will always care about you no matter what anybody thinks. fuck this. fuck that. screw everything. i dont want to stay around for the after dinner party. i want to go home.
where i belong. six feet under.
whee_
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how can i not see myself as the victim in this?
when all i could do was watch as my relationship crumbled apart right before my very eyes and i cant do anything about it? when all i could do was wait during that fateful weekend, worried beyond compare about you and what could have happened? when all i could do was wait for news, not knowing what was to happen? when all i could do while waiting was to cry and pray and cry and pray and hope?
when all i told myself was that love will get us through.
i couldnt do anything to stop it. i believed so much in us that perhaps i was too blind to see that you really truly betrayed me from the bottom of your heart. you betrayed everything we ever believed in and dreamt of together. you mock everything ive ever done to make this work for the both of us. and worst of all.. you act as though nothing had ever happened. you put on some front in front of everyone else as though things are fine and dandy. look, things may be okay for you but not for me.
im dying dammit. i really am dying. please. please. my god please tell me for godssakes what have i done? everyone keeps telling me that i should pick myself up and move on but really, my goddamn mind isnt the one that should be changed. doesnt anyone want the both of us to be concurrently happy anymore? fuck man. doesnt anyone even remotely realise that theyve got to help the both of us find the correct path again?
and screw off all of you who approach this and judge me about it. i dont need the advice and help of those who already make up their minds about the whole thing even before knowing the full story. i am a screaming, blubbering wreck over here okay. im reading all our old convos now.. you think its easy to believe that youve changed so much? you think its easy to accept that what you told me before were lies?
i cant take it you know, i really cant. do you know how much this hurts my family too? i came home jus before midnight and found out that my mum has been in a horrible depressed state the whole day, just crying and lying on her bed because she is so afraid that i will take my life. dammit. i hate this you know. i cant be sad or grief. i have to front day and night because i dont want anybody to be worried about me.
i dont want to die. i dont want to feel the pain. i dont want to leave the world which i onced loved so much. but it hurts. it hurts so much. and all i can do is try. try to live the life that everyone wants me to lead. try to make good on being a good son student and friend. try to meet the demands of everyone who keep wanting more from me. i am trying so bloody hard now dammit. i really am.
and then i return home and cry as i blog every single night. im so ashamed of myself. im a huge fucking failure and i keep trying to run away from that fact. the one thing that i succeeded in left me. ive failed in every single thing that ive tried my so goddamn best to succeed in and life has to be so cruel to take the one thing that made me happy away. ive tried so hard i really have.
when you give everything youve got to one thing and lose it all at one go for no rhyme or reason, you just lose your zest for life and your desire to live properly. forgive me if youve lost a son, student and a friend. for im not the zuL that all of you knew last time. if this person that i am now doesnt appeal to you, then please, by all means, walk away. leave me like everything else has eluded me before.
i just dont want to have to pretend to want to live anymore okay? cos deep inside, i know that i do not. and im really really sorry for that but that is just me. kill me if you please but dont ask me to pretend and front more than i can manage. i will not lie to myself. ive heard so many lies i dont know what truth is anymore.. but i know that i dont want to hurt those who care about me still and if that means sticking it out down here, ill do it.
but fucking hell it really hurts beyond anything okay. i just want to make it clear. please dont expect too much from me. please.
i beg of anybody out there who still tries to understand, please dont expect me to be superman and get over everything in an instant. cos i cant. my heart refuses to accept anymore lies deceit and betrayal. and to imagine that the one i love the most has done all that to me? is just impossible to accept and understand.
so leave me be. let me be what i can. let me dream. live and let live. die and let die.
whee_
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sigh. why do i do this to myself. a germane question that i ask myself sometimes. like today. sigh. i promised not to cry on my birthday and i did not. i cried today. like a miserable crap i sobbed by the windowsill. heehee. sigh. i always come here after a good cry and say that i feel better. well thats usually cos i do feel better anyway, but its usually because ive cried so hard that ive made myself temporarily devoid of feeling. like now. i feel damn sad but.. well i cant do much about it can i. but cry summore. and i already cried so much.
but i think im ready now. as ive mentioned earlier, a frenship is better than nothing. but i mean frenship when i say frenship. not working relationship, cos thats silly sounding and ludicrous at best. you know we deserve better than that. youre probably only doing this cos youre afraid that something might happen once again. sigh. dont be afraid okay? please open your heart up to the fact that if somethings to happen, it will. if the flame rekindles not.. i guess i cant blame you for not allowing it and cant fault myself, once and for all, for not trying.
whee_
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im sixteen. nothings changed.
i love you.."
whee_
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nobody wants to do anything about this.
i am certain. nobody wants to see the two of us happy. its always one way or the other. and now its the other way. sometimes a stream just cant flow two ways at once. if it does, it becomes two streams. but one stream? no way, it cant go left and right simultaneously. but of course, nobody sees that. everyone sees this as you know, why cant he be like this? why cant he be easier like the other one, and not be such an ass? why cant he stop making me miserable too? why cant he just let go? why cant he just stop being himself and be who i want him to be, that is someone who stupidly gives in and gives up on everything hes ever known and believed in to be jus another highflying straight a student without character, without humanity and without a soul? its so easy, why cant he choose it? oh stupid silly bastard that he is! woe betide him!!
a braid cannot be pulled apart without lots of pain. it has to be gently let loose. this is wrenching apart my braid, my heart, me. and thank you world for everything. thank you. thanks for all the joy and cause for celebration.
but of course, the whole freacking world has to let loose preaches and whatnots on me as if everyone knew whatthehell they were talking about. well this is me. nobody knows me. i dont know me. there is nothing out there for me in this world but pain. ive seen it and felt it. i will do whatever it takes to get away from this world, short of jumping down the building. and thats only because im scared of the pain. coward. bloody coward.
doing lit has taught me alot. all our lit books have dealt with the theme of the malice children dabble in. well this is proof of it or ill be darned. the young, misled or not, are potentially evil. open the door and they will walk through it. show them the way and they will walk the path. give them a talk over the weekend and they will gladly hurt the one person they love so much who loves them beyond anything else in return. give them the knife and they will hurt you. give theem words and they will spite you. give them thought and they will hate you. give them love and they forsake you.
give them all.. and they give you nothing.
dont want to be all by myself anymore. i gave everything. how do you catch water that youve let flow willingly from your fingers? how do you cry when you have no more tears? how do you feel sad when you have no more emotions? how do you think when all your thoughts are the same? how do you see when youre blinded by the pain? how do you understand when all youve ever believed in was a lie? how do you live when you want to die? how to you leave when your too afraid? how do you survive when youre already long gone. washed away. like footprints in the sands in the heart of the one you love.
sometimes, you just get tired of trying. i will go down with this ship. i will put my hands up and surrender. there will be a white flag above my door. im in love, always will be. somehow, sometime, someday. in another place, another time, another life. where pain is a legend and hurt is a myth, and happiness is a reality and where the sun never sets.
the world is a horrible place. man is beast is man. i should have known better. i should have been wiser. i should have just not been me. saving my life is better than staying true to myself. cos love is a lie and life is a joke.
i still believe. that someday you and me will find ourselves in love again. maybe after im dead.
whee_
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cos lifes like this. thats the way it is.
i havent anything to say. had a bad day. culminated with me bursting into tears infront of everyone during malay debates just now. wonderful. all these thoughts.. these wisps of what once was.. these dreams.. all coming back to haunt me. all returning to shove me back down into the depths of despair at times when i think ive made it and gained some ground in putting my life back together. im tired. and sad. pretty obviously.
i went shopping today, trying to cheer myself up. very harrowing experience. spent close to a hundred bucks today on things that i didnt really need. but thats me. always investing the most in things that at the end of the day dont rlly matter. or in sum cases, on things that i matter not to. im sorry. sorry for everything. i apologise for ruining your life.
i dunno what to say lahh. blah. whatever. im scared of saying anything. dont want the floodgates to open once more.
whee_
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*trumpets*
happy bday to two very special people.. matthew and josh lee! hahas. happy birthday you guys.. hope you have a nice day turning sweet sixteen at long last. i didnt intend to post this today but by accident i did.. yeah, cos i wanted to watch AMI.. owells. happy bday boys!
ami: i didnt catch jasmine sing the last round and i didnt regret it until tonight. inseperable is such a beautiful song.. brought back so many.. umm fond memories of what life once was. sigh. =] umm.. lets see. tot that fantasia did better the last round. latoya too. umm.. matt rodgers whatsisname sucked as always. leah.. sigh. shes good but her voice jus isnt powerful enuff. she reminded me of kim caldwell from last year anw.
argh. blah. im too tired to blog abt pretty much anything else now. jus.. well. tired and sad. wads new dese days. im whining again right? wads new to you anyway. sigh. as i told j0ng, ive run outta words to even begin to describe how i feel. sigh. wad do i say then, when that happens? all i can do is sigh n apologise. but how long more mus i continue doing that? how many times mus i say srry for wrongs that ive not commited before?
sigh. i keep asking myself what ive done whatthemotherfuckinghell ive fking done to remotely deserve all this. you tell me. you very fking well tell me dammit! you think its easy is that it? huh? you think its very fine and dandy that you get to fking live your fking happy fluffy life while some motherfuckers rot away here in their misery is it? huh?
please. please get outta my life and stay there. stop reminding me of everything. stop taunting me w ur happiness. stop mocking me w ur satisfaction. stop it.. please.. uve hurt me and torn me apart in more than enough ways alrd. please leave. please go. please take a one way ticket to wherever you wanna and stay there. your presence has to stop lingering here dammit. stopit. stopit please. please jus leave. please.
i dunno wad fucked up sorta satisfaction you get from all this but its rlly disgusting and screwdup. fuck man. i dont want this. fuck this. fuck everything. this isnt abt me anymore. it isnt abt you. its jus about evrything tts going on in ppls lives right now. why dammit. why. its 5 bloody days to my bday and i swear that if i live to see it, ill make the most of that day.
fuckit who am i kidding? how the hell am i supposed to celebrate my bloody bday. alone again. kae fine i prob wont be alone fro pretty much the whole day but so what? being lonely when ur not alone makes perfect sense. well who am i to say what makes sense or not? does all this make any sense to me? no.. but did it fking happen? yes.. well bloody hell then.
what will it take dammit? what? fking hell what is it that you and everybody else in dis goddamn loveforsaken world want from me? the fking sch jus wants results. my ccas obviously want results. you duh-ishly want me dead. my frens? heck i dun even noe. my parents? prob jus wish i was an ezier kid who cud b understood. fuck. and me? fuck i jus wanna b happy lahh okay. everybody jus surrounds me w stupid ideals of how one shud get over another and one shud pick himself up and wdv fuckcrap.
well shit it alrd. ive heard enough valued judgements for many fking lifetimes over. and fuck you. yes you who i see in the mirror every morning. the same old fucker. every fucking morning. please lahh okae, jus fking go and die alrd can or not? saves god the trouble of thinking whencce wud b gd to terminate ur stay here and saves you the time of killing me softly with everything you do.
what did i do dammit.. what? what is it tt justifies reducing me to this tearful fucking mess everytime i think about it. fuck lahh. go away. go away evryone. jus go. fuck this. leave me be. let me die alone. maybe this was all planned out for me that ill lose evrything tt matters to me in life and like, die. but since i nvr rlly mattered much to me anw i guess me dying and gone dead buried wuddnt fit into His mighty plan would it? hahahahahaha. screw you.
stop saying that you understand everybody stop. how many of you who noe wads going on can truly say theyve been there before. completely there n thru it. and survived. huh? fuck man. dont tell me you understand show me you do dammit. by doing what? fuck like im supposed to know lor. tell me, my love, when did i ever not do tt? when did i nvr show tt i understand?
when? my love.. if ur reading this.. i jus wanted top say im srry. srry for ruining your life. srry 4 being a mistake. srry for ever falling in love w you. srry for ever being here to be fallen in love w. srry for nt giving you enough. srry for being stupid. srry for being wrong. srry for being me. srry for not doing whatever that you could have wanted me to do. srry for being here. sorry for being born. srry for failing. srry for being useless.
sorry for loving you the way i do.
my love.. i wish there was some other way.. i wish for so many things.. but deep down inside.. you noe tt i will always love you. always want you to b happy. always wish there that was something that i cud do. i sit here and type and type away but there isnt anything that i can do. im weak and useless im sorry. i wish.. for things to be better. for things to go as we had planned.. for things to have followed what we planned. i wish we cudve stayed in our own world. away from prying eyes. away from everything.
my love.. i dont understand. i cant find words anymore. sigh. guess i rlly mus b wishin on sumone elses star. i dont want dis to go on any longer. but im too much of a fking coward to do anything abt it. i guess you never realised what you meant to me. im jus another speck of dirt on the floor. to be removed with a spray of disinfectant and white gloves.
i hate this. i cant even see the fking screen clearly thru my tears. goodbye. ill b going now. ive nothing left to say for now. i jus want this pain to end. i jus wanna b happy. damn it all. baby.. i love you" from the depths of my soul, its beyond my control.. screw life. i need it not.
whee_
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im burning up with a horrid fever now. my eyes burn and my head throbs. my nose still sniffles. sigh. but first..
the party: thanks for the party and a great time guys! i really enjoyed myself playing inane games and watching ppl try to dunk other ppl in the pool. thks go to people like shang imran suhas auyong navjote ajit terence chere bel shiyun steph (stef?) cheryl christine and everybody else who played nonsense with us and basically did alotta crap. thks for organising a party when we really needed one guys.. =]
kae. now back to how horrible i feel today. i really genuinely feel sick and ttt really feels horrible. cos i cant think clearly when im sick, jus like now. sigh. makes me sad, when im sick. life is short, time shuddnt b wasted being sick and all. sigh. im tired. how many more miles mus i walk alone? sigh. i dunno lahh. sometimes it jus gets to a point where you cant even find words to describe how u feel anymore. tomorrow will be another day of pure torture. i think id better get some rest or die later. sigh.
fk man. i rlly rlly dont noe wad to say anymore. i rlly and completely do not. im jus really outta things to say. this is not the life i dreamt out for myself. this is not what i wanted. this is nowhere near what we had planned out for ourselves. help. who can help me but myself? stupid sonofabitch that i am cant do anything for himself even. im jus so tired of trying dammit.
kae fkit im rlly rlly burning up. ive really gotta go now. maybe ill blog later when im better. currently i genuinely feel like dying.
whee_
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i jus got home from makmurs. had malay debate prep earlier. been awake for only about one third of the day. been so goddamn tired. owell. i promised to blog.
im so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds wont seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried id wipe away all of your tears
when youd scream id fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
now im bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me
these wounds wont seem to heal
this pain is just too real
theres just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried id wipe away all of your tears
when youd scream id fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me
ive tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
ive been alone all along
when you cried id wipe away all of your tears
when youd scream id fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me
i love this song. i really wish youd come here and read these lyrics and reflect. cos i sincerely do mean them.. if u had to leave i really wish ud jus walk out entirely from my life and never set foot near me again. i enjoyed last saturday btw, when u werent around. everybody cud tell that. cos otherwise, ur presence lingers. unearthly and unforgiving. not that ive sinned anyway.
was at tampines library today.. remember our days there? im sure you do. sigh. back then those times seemed like any other time.. but now, theyre lost in the sands of time.
i dunno why uve chose to hurt me so. giving me some very quixotic and nebulous excuses such as it wud b better in the long run and that we were too dependant on each other. i mean, ho wud it b bttr uve never explained. jus cos ur parents are like tt doesnt mean everyone is as well. testament to that fact is that i still have frens, who despite everything, still are my frens. in fact, ive grown closer to so many people as a result of me opening up. howabt you? how have u gained from walking away other than having more time to dote on urself?
times change, but one thing tt doesnt is the fact tt humanity triumphs over all. and u gave up on tt one thing we had on our side, which was humanity and decency. u walked away from all tt to embrace the side that preaches hate. sigh. i hope that sumhow uve benefitted from it. u noe, other than than wishing me dead constantly and claiming the moral highground that isnt even yours to begin with.
we define our own morals. and once, they did not matter. they still do not matter to me now, but thats cos im not going to take the hypocritical stance and preach as though ive done nothing wrong. nobody is allowed to impose judgement on another because tt role is reserved for god. i dont noe what theeyve done to you but.. lets just say what goes around comes around.
"when you cried id wipe away all of your tears
when youd scream id fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me"
tt verse is so true. name me a time that i wasnt there. name me a time when id not given my all. name me a time when i walked away from you instead of run to you with open arms. tell me when i let go of your hand when u needed me the most. tell me.. why do i still choose to give you all of myself? sigh. i wonder why as well.. i never let you walk alone. i never ever did. and i jus cant start now.
"now im bound by the life you left behind". indeed i am. the life you left behind for me is in pieces that ive slowly tried my best to put together painstakingly. it will hold, but will always lack that small vital piece, that is, you. i guess you never understood what you meant to me.. no matter how hard i tried to show you and tell you and remind you.
your face does haunt my once pleasant dreams. remember when we talked everynite last time? id ask u to visit me in my dreams.. nowadays you keep doing that too.. but when i wake up i find myself all alone and lonely and i scream into my pillow and demand of it to tell me why you can leave me alone. please? its driving me beyond nuts.. i cant understand why u have to b there all the time to mock me, to mock my love, to mock what was once your love and to mock what a being human really means.
the difference btween man and beast is that we have the capacity to think for ourselves. baby why cant you do tt? instead of jus listen to wdv is being told to you.. you are human. only human. u have a heart.. right? why cant you listen to your heart? i do. and it tells me to give you everything. of which ive already done.
and wads wrong w being dependant on each other? if we werent than we wuddn b what we were right? frens are only tt much dependant on each other. with greater feelings come greater dependance. man, i love you to death and once u did too. wads so wrong abt wanting n needing to b w each other all the time? did it get into the way of any other things? sure it did, but in life we sacrifice for things tt are more important.
now i rlly wonder.. sigh. kae. the time has come for me to get some shuteye. ill get back to you on this. and as i always sed everynite b4, i love you"
whee_
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were thru to the quarters. next draw is against sji. am super duper tired so ill update later tomorrow morning likely.
whee_
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debates are in a coupla hours. i cant sleep. i keep thinking of you again. get out of my mind.. get out of my head.. if u wish me dead then jus go ahead and do it. wad in gods name have i ever done to deserve this torment now. as if everything else alrd wasnt enuff. shot thru the heart, and your to blame, you give love, a bad name.
i wanna live again. free. free of things that bind me. free that things that haunt me. free from you. free from the pain that you bring me every waking day. free for the suffering that you curse upon me every silent night. free. just free. able to move. unconstricted. free. please, just free. free me.
tomorrow they all leave for perak. sigh. my whole buncha frens gone for a whole 4 days. lonely. very lonely. ive given up trying to wish on falling stars. ive given up appealing to reason. ive given weaving the clouds into endless declarations of love. ive given up looking for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
my rainbow comes no more. the rain goes on and on. the freezing cold. the lonely cold. the harsh and unforgiving solitude that is every single day for me. its hard to sleep. its hard to wake up. its hard to any goddamn thing in here for godssakes.
i pray to reason and i pray for justice. i pray for mercy and i pray for forgiveness. i pray tt the mighty hand of god smotes his enemies, without and within. his enemies tt make his people lose faith, lose hope and die a lost soul. love is our sheperd and with it, we shall find our way.
hope is for fools. nothing is for eternity. everything is for always. and love? loves for me. love for, well, the sake of love.
pah. fluffy cloud. my brain is a fluffy cloud. whee.
whee_
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track and field: we won again. won 4x100 as always. our batch won overall div champs as usual. it has been a really sweet victory.. simply because of all the effort put in by everyone and all and i worked tt damn hard to do what i could to help as well. just sorry i cuddnt do more. thanks to all hullettians out there.. we won by a slimmer margin of 80 pts. over tt blue house.
to my sec fours, my beloved sec fours, i really appreciate you guys coming down so much. man.. it was really damn nice n sweet of you guys to stay okay, even though so many other people were ponning and stuff. i really appreciate it so much. sigh.. its really so damn nice..
thks to everyone who made track n field this year a success ok.. my fellow captains jiashun n justin.. my whole exco.. teck heng yuen sau weikuang akesh weijie nick eugene david everyone else.. esp ariffin n amin who hung all the banners with me.. and ariffin for braving the dark night of thursday w me to try to hang the net.. thks for sacrificing all the hours guys.. thks also go to 2P who probably single handedly did alot of stuff on thursday, you guys are rlly amazing..
thks also go to dani, who doesn come from hullett but helped us out anyway.. it was really damn nice of you, thks so much.. to my juniors who ran, throwed and jumpd, thks so much for all the effort.. hullett truly appreciates it.. it felt so good to hold the trophy again, after last year. it felt so damn good to go up on the stage and receive the trophy and hold it up in the air and proclaim black supremacy again. six years godammit. were pro.
thks everyone, for everything..
reflections: im tired. felt very empty. the win was closer to the heart simply because of all the effort and sheer hard work tt i put in, together with so many other ppl. but.. i dunno. inside i just felt very empty. very lost. very alone. last year i had somebody special to celebrate our win with. now.. its jus a bunch of frens at swensens. sigh.
and all i wanted was somebody who cared. well ive learnt tt the only one who cares abt me completely is probably nobody. i obviously dont bother too much. nor do you. nor does anybody else really. but for hullett today, for my responsibilities, i try my best to care abt them, to carry them out w my utmost dedication so that the gratitude or appreciation i get makes me feel alive.
well today i felt alive. the rainbow tt rose after track and field was beautiful. the dark clouds gathered. looming. gloom was impending, without and within. sigh. i felt alive on the outside but truly was dead n the inside. im working so damn hard now just to try to make sure tt im busy and tt i can fool myself into feeling important. sigh.
well see.
whee_
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stop in the name of love: stop it azizul, be careful wad you type. i almost typed in your name as my blog password. unconciously somehow even though i havent done that for ages. silly. caught off guard there definitely.
after hours: had a good time going to town and doing lots of weird stuff with hazmi. long time havent gone out with him for the sake of going out and we had such a funny time. first stop was the lucky plaza food court which still serves great food at great prices. then after that we went down to dhoby ghaut to spotlight to buy cloth for hullett banners. then we went to plaza sing basement to buy a pretzel..
the woman wasnt there! we waited for ten minutes, yelling and calling for aunt anne, running aaround the stall trying to find out how to get into it. we contemplated going in and helping ourselves and leaving the money. hazmi was commenting that maybe she went to shit (very loudly) and she suddenly popped into the stall. i laughed for two minutes before giving our orders.
so hilarious i tell you. haha. then after that we went back to j8, bought another pretzel, this time served very promptly then went back to school to write his speech for malay debates this sunday.
snip snip: jenhans hair is so nice n fluffy looking for sum reason.. haha. that kinda hairdo like lee hus and hongyues tt u jus wanna ruffle for fun. hehs. cool"
"dikatakan mereka!": acks im back in business for malay debates. ilman dropped out hence after much consideration i decided to just heck and do it anw. its gonna be a crazy month ahead but for sch and for glory, anythings worth it. for love? im not sure, but nvm. anw.. yeah. malay debates. brings back fond yet awful memories. we will do well dis year. i hope. theres so much pressure on us to do well again this year.. all eyes are on raffles. pray for us.
party time!: rg is throwing a bash for the a div schools next tues at east coast. obviously ill be there. i hope. hahas. i so need a party soon man.. only thing is tt i havent a thing to wear. sadly. nvm, will go shopping soon.
romeo, romeo, wherefore art thou romeo?: were going for the abridged shakespeare on the 23rd of mar!!! my bday! the shows from 2000 to 2230 at dbs arts centre.. planning for a sleepover at my place or sumthin for tt nite and can go out and screw around the next day. figuratively of course. my mums always been complaining tt she doesnt noe my frens so dis will b a perfect time for my pals to come over and umm intro themselves. haha. sounds.. weird. *screws nose*
nevertheless i wanna have fun anyways.. im turning sweet sixteen for godssakes. it must mean sumthing to b able to watch nc-16 movies. haha. tho it never really mattered to us anws. the play shud b good. cant wait to c it! esp w my wonderful and amazing class..
dy/dx: did pretty ok for the pop quiz. amazingly. outdid people who i didnt think id beat. haha. well shant dwell too much on it anw. todays matrix pop quiz was quite ok as well. think id do fine for it. and hey! i didn copy anyone. hehs.
anode/cathode/electrolyte/blah: todays diffrentiated assignment was hilarious. had a funny tme discussing answers with hongyue and krithin. haha. hopefully will do pretty ok for it.
wheee.. sed the pebble: i imagine tts wad particles of sand say when they undergo longshore drift. haha. im full oh shit as usual. had a silly 5 mk question on it for todays coasts quiz. prob gonna fail it. haha. too bad babys. they cant include the quiz anywhere anw. so too bad!
haha. =)
whee_
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rehearsal today: jireh stopped by today. thanks for brightening up my day.. i missed our dramafeste days which wud have been infinitely worse without you around, or anybody else for that matter. so sorry i cuddnt do a good job as a host and entertain you around school. rehearsal musta been a real bore for you.. hope tt the next time you come we can do something really nice kae? i promise.. =]
had a good rehearsal anyways, did some vocal stuff, three songs, had a mini hum-a-sing-a-long to my amateur playing of my immortal and clocks. after that everyone felt sad sumhow. so we talked abit. quite interesting the things u find out when u actually sit down and talk with your juniors. i have nice rp juniors. i shall always remember to treat them well cos they deserve it =]
hullett shirt: argh the hullett shirt! the lady, stupid grace can only send the shirts over at 2pm on fri! and track n fields on friday and the athletes are to report at 1.45! and her track record doesnt exactly shimmer. the last time she was supposed to meet us, she came 3.5hrs late! man. were rlly trying very hard to get her down earlier kae guys? sorry for inconviniece.
chem test: terrible. class avg was like what, a pass? and i felt so bad for doing just that. cos people looked really down with their marks. and stupid joey was being the crass mofo that he is goind around commenting on peoples marks. dun worry yam, when u get ur 9A1s ull show ppl like him up. silly boy joey is. yeah but anw, hongyue topped the class! and im rlly happy that he, of all ppl, did. cos he works hard for it. well done m'boy!
math pop quiz: rates of change and kinematics. coincidentally.. i dont know htf to do rates of change. sigh i pity hongyue, he got the formula of the volum of a cylinder muddled up. which means his whole qn for rates of change is prob more or less wrong. he looked pretty depressed abt it. owell. another failure to add to my personal list of failed math tests.
school in general: was ok. cant think of other words to describe it. by the second period i was alrd damn tired and fell aslp during recess, sprawled on my table across my marianne chong. was so tired i fell aslp while trying to mug. then when i woke up i was like, why is everyone still here? hasnt school ended? and earlier during the second period, i fell aslp and woke up asking charles why we had three periods left when we had recess a long time ago. sigh. i was drunk with fatigue i tell you. then when i get home im sprightly like now. must be the whole loneliness thing where i chat to a gazillion ppl just so i dun feel alone n abandoned.
life is a sexually transmitted disease: interesting idea. worth reflection.
math, and the beauty of it all: isnt it nice to have absolute right and wrong for a change? its very comforting. simplicity in clear sheens. there isnt any gray area. you either do it or you dont. get it right or you dont. i guess its very assuring, to some extent, for some weird reason. i wanna fall in love with maths.
alone & lonely: it wasnt tt bad at first until i reached the bridge. rmb the overhead bridge? im sure you do. the way i held you hand as we walked down it. the way we never let go until we reminded each other abt how much we loved each other. yeah, tts when it rlly hit me. owells. now its not so bad. i hope i wont feel like dis for much longer cos its really painful.
plan for tmr: survive!!!!!
if tmr never comes: i love you and you alone still.. forever and for always. like u used to say. =]
whee_
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hello everybody.
ive comtemplated privatising or changing the addy of this blog but due to some possible logistic problems that may arise, i have decided against it.
sigh. i feel immensely whiny. and stupid. and plenty of other things which i wont delve into just yet. life is at an interesting crossroads. i wish it was just one straight lane where i neednt choose but lifes never that way isnt it? well now ive gotta choose btween what my heart and my mind say. ok well, in sooth they say the same thing but hell, tthe way they get to that endpoint is different.
nevermind. this internal struggle to go with what i believe is right and what im supposed to believe is right is so screwd up. its like.. i dunno. why cant we all learn to accept what each other thinks is right and live in perfect harmony? why cant the world be a more loving and accepting place?
now im neither here nor there, jus praying for some ray of light to guide me into what to do. when it comes, i will be ready. but till then.. sigh. baby im with you"
whee_
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words escape me. needless to say i am very upset depressed. nobody wants to be lonely. nobody wants to cry. my bodys longing to hold you. so bad it hurts inside.
fuck lahh. it hurts alot seeing all the things u give your best to crumble one by one. soon i will run out of things to put on the line. this just hurts so much. my love.. why?
sighfuck. im still stuck on you. dammit. i noe i very well shuddnt be but sumhow i am. my love i miss you baby.. is there sumthing tt i havent done to get u back? please tell me.. anything.. just anything.. pls unbreak my heart.. say you love me again.. undo this hurt thatu caused when u walked out the door and walked out of my life.. uncry these tears.. i cried so many nights.. baby.. please?
i dun understand anything right now. nothing. why things are going awry. why even when my life seems to be at a new low it sinks even lower. why? fuck man. u used to tell me its ok and tt everything will be alright.. now? whered u be.. where are you now? now tt i need you.. tears on my pillow.. wherever you go..
sigh. im going crazy again. last night i dreamt abt you. do u still dream of me honey? i wonder. i love you baby, i rlly do"
whee_
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to all: im sorry.
we lost and ri team 2 is out of the julia gabriels for this year. pls support ri team 1 in their bid for the gold and ri team two in their last debate as a team on the 25th of this month.
to all that have lent your undying support to us, thank so so very much. we would probably have never made this half as far without it. thanks go esp. to the ruggers who have made it a point to come down, rushing from training. im sorry we have let you guys down.
im sorry.
+++
im really so sorry. theres probably a million things that i cudve done differently and id do anything to get s econd chance at them again. i just feel immeasurably sad and disappointed and angry and frustrated about it. wads the use of putting on insouciant airs anymore. everythings gone now dammit. the things that im trying to use to distract myself away from my troubles are slowly failing.
the only thing i have left, concretely, is co-production, of which i have little interest in now. rp is falling apart and its not my fault. but i can say this for sure that rp will crumble and i noe whos fault it will be, conclusively. but thats besides the point that im trying to make here.
when they announced the result i just sad down stunned and opened mouthed for a long time b4 i finally got up to join the team who were getting debriefed by the adjudicators. after the customary seeking of opinions and advice we left for the outside and i sat down and just cried. it was too much. what i worked for and what i was hoping would pull me through this difficult time was gone. hope had abandoned me once again.
i asked myself: why isnt anything going right for me nowadays? and i cuddnt find the answer. all these things.. sigh. and when i seem to have finally found some solace in something, something bad happens and my life finds itself at a new low. im so scared of waking up the next day. who noes what horrors it might bring in store for me? this month is proving no better than the last.
why? pls tell me somebody.. i dunno why. i really dont know why. was it cos we didnt try hard enuff? suhas is right. maybe our best just isnt good enuff. not gd enuff to beat acs. not good enuff to beat even cat high team 2. lets face it. im just not good enuff for one. which is prob why i didn even speak anyway.
i hate being me. im useless at the things that im supposd to b gd at. i cant understand what i cud ever have done to deserve all this, seriously. i dont want no sympathy. i just want understanding. ppl xpect me to b superman sumtimes and its rlly not fair at all. this term my avg is an A1 and yet they still wanna see my parents for my academics next sat for ptm.
ive got so many things to do dammit why cant they leave me alone for the meanwhile? i rlly hate it. im a failure in things that matter to me and i dont know why. today i also learnt that im a failure at being a psl. the sec ones today were like animals and it was rlly horrible. and i cant believe i had to scold other psls as well. maybe i was just being uptight as usual but they were rlly behaving like shit.
and our sec ones.. god. i dunno lahh. the stupid cheer that they did. i scored it so lowly anw. and the way theyr preepared for their cheer was ghastly and unbelievable as well. all our fault too for being idots who dunno how to be firm with them. i tot being nice was good ya noe.. doing their hw for them n stuff? but i guess being nice to ppl doesn get u very far in this world.
lets not even talk about academics. today i passed the diffrentiation pop quiz w a pretty good score but i dread to think how i did for chem hist and ss, all of which ill find out next week. debates? sigh nvm.. drama? as i sed ive lost any interest in the club and the things they do anymore. it merits not my attention since it cares not for my existence. the club has forgotten who their vice chair is and so i wont bother reminding them if they dont care.
the house? im rlly trying very hard to get back into the flow of things and all. i rlly hope TnF goes well.. been meeting alot n stuff just to make sure everything goes smoothly. hope things work out just finee.. but of course, theres always the fear that after everything, u dont get anything in return. sometimes, as ive learnt, the world isnt half as giving as you are.
wads there to strive for now? i worked hard to get this far and everything is going out of hand, slipping thru my fingers. and the one person who probably understands it the best is the only person who refuses to even try. sigh. i shant even begin. i hurt. alot.
theres nothing much left for me this year. nothing. ill just do the conventional thing and mug n do well for O lvls. shant bother much abt anything else now if it doesnt bother abt me. fuck man it rlly rlly hurts so fking much dammit. i promised myself that i will never ever allow myself to livee a life of mediocrity and look wads happening now? im a bloody fking loser dammit.
fuck man i hate being such a fking piece of shit. i feel so much like one. nothing i ever do is right or good enough. not for you, the sch, my ccas, anybody at all. im just some average joe who wants to do something big yet has no talent to do so. im just some average joe who tries to be above average yet fails miserably and has yet to understand why and how.
its not fair ya noe tt? the worst among us get the most happiness while those who try the hardest fail most miserably. i dun wanna fall flat on my face again. i dun wanna build castles in the sky and see them cruble brick by brick. i dun wanna dream big anymore only to be jolted awake by reality. i dun wanna live a life where i believe that i deserve better. cos i noe that believing and dreaming and wishing will never get you anywhere.
look what it did to me. a jaded fool who dreams to much n tries to hard sumtimes. but i aint gonna try to fool myself anymore. i guess ill just hafta learn to accept that im, well, not much of anything to anybody. if i were to leave this world now few would probably notice. or even care and bother. wad a sad spirit ill be then. sad in life, sad in the afterlife too. how idiomatic and remotely quixotic.
incertitude and stupidity. the banes of me. prob the best parts of me really, the rest dont even have words to describe them. bah. time will tell. and only time can teach us the most valuable lesson of all, that it is running out. the clock ticks. every second my time is running out. and when the clock strikes ill find myself alone again, with nothing and nobody, with just a million questions and no answers, with just.. myself to blame.
tick tock.
whee_
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im so fucking fucking pisse with my com. yesterday it hung after a long en3 and i lost it. just now it pulled off that stunt again and i lost another long en3. fuck man. i need this catharsis for fucks sake. im gonna lose it soon dammit.
kae. im gonna try my best to be patient and not just smash the monitor and kick in the cpu. ok. lets see.
i feel like absolute shit now. im not speaking tmr for some reason even after working my ass off this whole week researching far more than everyone and writing more (and better?) cases than everyone too. sigh. so annoying i tell you. the debate tmr was supposed to be my highlight of the week. but it turned out not to be.
when will all dis crap end man. since febuary life has beeen so screwy. whatever happened to hope and love? where are you now that you have forsaken me and left me here to rot in despair? after i got news i was not speaking tmr despite everything i just stopped retyping my case and went to bed. then everything came back to flood me and i just cuddn take it and broke down.
i cried and cried myself to sleep. why must it be this way? baby pls tell me.. anyone at all.. jong says tt its not sumthig tt can be helped but.. i dunno. im a big mess of things. i cant understand why things are like dis. did i not give and sacrifice enough to evrything? i just dont understand. i ruined my future effectively by giving everything up for u, and now all that is coming to haunt me.
its not fair. why is life so cruel to make you so happy now and remind me of tt fact every single day as if i ever needed a constant reminder of how stupid and lousy and full of shit i am. its just not fair. tmr is gonna be a damn horrible day for me as usual. i dunno how im supposd to be able to go thru all this shit everyday all the time.
any free time i have to myself i fill it up with work. why? just so that i dun have time to cry or think about these things. im becoming a machine again and i dont like it at all. i work likle clockwork now and ppl keep saying tt i walk around looking defeated alrd. im rlly trying hard ok. i have to engineer happiness since i cant procure it. i laugh loudly and smile widely just so perhaps i can convince myself tt i am happy.
you noe, since im such a fool, i believe anything. im so scared. i rlly went mad last nite. screaming into my pillow. talking to myself. saying i love you so many times to my bolster. pretending it was you tt was beside me. holding you in my arms. and everything was alright for a second.
today i was just so fed up with everything during malay that i just lay my head down and fell asleep. i cuddnt focus nor think clearly. why are u always here to haunt me? haunt my thoughts and my dreams. be there wherrever i turn. the memories are endless. i dun understand. but i still hope. and i still believe.
shawn says tt there must be a lot within me to be able to cling on to hope; something very strong that binds me. but theres nothing left but shattered dreams and broken bonds. and a heart that refuses to accept and a soul that cannot understand. i love you so much ya noee tt? sigh. whatever. it doesn make much of a difference.
everybody hurts.. sometime. but i hurt.. all the time. can we go back to the days our love was strong? can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong? can somebody tell me how to get things back the way they used to be? oh god give me a reason, im down on bended knees..
dear god, pls grant me happiness. thats ll i ask. i have always only desired one thing from you and tts it. pls?
whee_
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ive finished my case in just abt 2 hrs. not bad considering i didnt have my beloved dearest file. sigh.
well anw.
today has been such a sea of emotions. i miss you baby, make no mistake about it. but i dont know. it still hurts helluva alot inside but i guess im slowly picking myself up once again. people, as they themselves say, are beginning to see the old zuL back. and im glad for that, as they are are glad for me as well. i still feel so lonely though. i dont know. i mean.. its like.. sigh. nvm. the feeling transcends the words us mortals have to supposedly bee able to delineate our feelings, no matter how complex they are.
everything is just so weird. yes, they are moving back towards normality, but it is a normality that ive never known before, a life w/o you. almost completely. its such a weird feeling. and one month has passed so quickly that im so scared. i dunno wad to do with all the memories. keep them or dump them. uve clearly placed te memories into the thrash along with me but i dont know if i wanna do that as well. i mean.. the memories make me happy and sad. is tt good or bad? sigh. i wish i knew.
i want to be the old me back. but the problem is the old me was complete. now it really isnt, as much as it may seem so on the outside. ive to make life normal, which sounds really silly. i mean, if u have to put in effort to make ur life become normal then it really isnt normal anymore is it? i dont know. sigh. im outta words to say once again. i just hope that whatever it is, youre happy now.
i miss you"
whee_
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hey lee hu. and everyone else.
today has been such a weird day that is ending on a very awful note. i lost my resource file!!! and tts a very very bad thing to happen since ive to write my case by tonight and the debate is this friday and the file contained everything important that i need to type out my case. this is really really bad and horrifying cos i spent so much time filling up the file with useful stuff. this majorly sucks alot. sigh. i dont know what to do. write a substandard case and risk not speaking this friday. write a good case.. but how now?
tomorrow is chem and hist test and ive only mugged for chem. ive not even looked to see whats tested for history tomorrow. sigh. i cud stay up all night to re-research evrything so that ive a good case, or mug instead. how to choose? sigh. this is so screwd up. i cant believe i had to loose my bloody resource file. godammit. luckily i only lost one file, imagine if id lost the rest of my files, all of which are thicker than this one i think. so annoying. sigh.
kae i bttr get off to doing sumthing for now. ill be back in 2 or 3 hrs to blog again. today deserves a special mention. it is after all, one month since..
whee_
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hehs. i think for the sake of matt i shall blog everyday so that he can tag everyday too.. =]
today was pretty much an average day in my life, ie. pretty mundane bordering on sucky. had a really long day because of prep and i reached home at around 9.30 or so. then i got home did more research and stuff and now im typing out my case. i think my setup is pretty solid. the motions THW abolish the death penalty and we are opposing against the cat high team two.
tmr marks one month since you walked outta my life. and tmrs coming fast. time passed so quickly. living each day just to see the next seems to work. im rearranging the things in my life now, and im gonna make sure that this time i dont make the same stupid mistake. hmm. sigh. my life is frought with mistakes. i really hope ill finally learn all that i can from life before the biggest mistake (whatever that might be in the future) catches up with me and costs me even more dearly than anything ever has. who noes? jaywalking could lead to my brains splattered on the asphalt. all these little things in life that we think inconsequential rarely are.
owell. you rlly are averse to the idea that people actually arent stupid and noe wads going on eh. sigh. i dunno why. you may be fine with living a lie but im not gonna do so. its my constitutional right to talk about what i want ya noe. just like its yours to walk away without even wondering what i think about this whole issue. i guess, things will never ever get back to even a small fraction of what they were last time. but thats ok. ill survive.
you take care of yourself kae? ill always be around, no matter if you like it or not. maybe one day when you fall, ull realise that the one you shud call was standing there all along. always remember the second of every month and never forget. never let go of the memories. always hold on. holding on for you. holding on for me. holding on for love. someday. somewhere over the rainbow.
cos i miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
n i breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
cos i love you, whether it’s wrong or right
n though i can’t be with you tonight
you know my heart is by your side
i love you"
whee_
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