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Copyright © vy
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
i havent the slightest clue what today was. it went so fast from breakfast to learning journey to table tennis to dawn of the dead to home, right here in front of the piercing glare of the monitor. it has always been murderously harsh on my eyes and last time id rest them while talking to you before we went to sleep. id jus lie down and listen to your voice and remind myself that you love me and everything would be alright. even my eyes which would have been burning just a minute before i picked up the phone.
memories. there are too many of them. half of me wants to let go but i know i cant. because i treasure them far beyond anything else right now, since i havent really much anyway. you act as if everythings alright and treat me like you would an enemy. sigh. it got to me the last time we met. i jus couldnt bring myself to believe that all that happened really did happen. fuck. whatever. it brings me nothing to let go anymore. my fingers are way too tired to type.
enjoy your lives everyone.
whee_
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Michelle Branch
Til I Get Over You
Every time I feel alone
I can blame it on you
And I do
Oh you got me like a loaded gun
Golden sun
And the sky's so blue
Oh we both know
That we want it
But we both know
You left me no choice
Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
You just bring me down
Je pretends que tout va bien
So I count my tears
Till I get over you
Sometimes I watch the world go by
I wonder what it is like
Oh…To wake up every single day
Smile on your face
You never try
We both know
We can't change it
But we both now
We'll just have to face it
Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
You just bring me down
Je pretends que tout va bien
So I'm counting my tears
Till I get over you
If only I
Could give you up
Would I want to let you out?
From this soulbuzz baby
We both know
That we want it
But we both know
You left me no choice
Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
You just bring me down
Je pretends que tout va bien
Oh so I'm counting my tears
Till I get over you.... oh
Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
Je pretends que tout va bien
Oh we both know
That I'm not over you
La de la de aye ay
I'm not over you
whee_
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i made a list of everything ive lost in the last three months. the list was a few items long and it wuddnt have been that bad if they werent the same things ive been working towards the past years of my life here on earth. thats why lah. sigh.
and sadly ive chosen to take out all these frustrations on obese. which isnt fair. really isnt. and i know that. but i cant stop myself. when i think about obese' situation from a human perspective i feel damn sad and somehow it makes me think about things i dont want to. thats why i distance myself so much from the problem, and pretend it doesnt exist and in fact do all i can to forget that there is even remotely a problem existent. so the obesing around went abit too far today. i have to agree. and it was my fault mostly.
i never meant to drive anybody to that point or anything. even if it was drama or what. its like.. sigh. im sorry man. but this evil side of me which was born out of the hatred society showed me for some reason or other. and that created all the anger in me now. that i let out, very cruelly, to sources and places that may not entirely deserves it. its damn sick ah. sigh. its some sort of fucked up satisfaction that i get by being a fucker. sigh. its just tt as i sed, if i dont distance myself from the problem, it hurts me too. sigh. and being selfish i choose not to hurt myself but others instead. fuck. sigh.
for what its worth. im sorry. not completely, but i am all the same. there is a part of me that is struggling to come out and be sorry about it because that part really is sorry. sigh. fuck lahh. this is damn screwd lor. ah wdv. ill have to think again before blogging.
whee_
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we lost. im sorry. i dont know. whatever. maybe another day in another time in another life i will finally stop losing. talk about this later.
whee_
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ive only three words to describe our pupil development department - disgusting disgusting disgusting. perhaps it wouldnt be fair to lambast the whole department so this post, which is overdue, is directed specifically at edward ng, director of the department.
last saturday was interhouse math quiz. moor house had conducted signups before math quiz, requiring each student who signed up to leave their particulars inclusive of class and contact numbers. however, this boy didnt. (he is a minor and will not be named) hence, because it was naturally very difficult to trace him, other students were chosen for the moor house team instead.
this boy, and his parents, werent very happy, so the parents happily called up edward ng to complain. maybe thats going abit too far i concede but what happens next really takes the cake. edward ng then calls up junyi and demands an explanation why the boy was not included in the team for moor house. apparently, hes very adept at math hence was quite pissed about the whole affair. junyi reasoned that since the boy didnt leave anything but his name, it was going to be difficult to trace him so other boys were chosen instead. plus they didnt know about his alleged phenomenal math ability anyway.
edward ng told him that it was a lousy excuse and demanded that he be put in. he said that he would call the math department up and make an exception to this case, and thats that. of course, this put moor in a tight spot. they not only were breaking the rules but they had to kick out some other guy from the team to accomodate this new fella. but they had to anyway, cos of orders from the higher ups who are presumably wiser.
this of course leads me to question - what the fuck? its being unfair to the other houses too. the dateline for name submission was much earlier than that friday edward ng called junyi up. its being unfair to moor cos its as though its their fault that boy wasnt in when it was his fault to begin with that he didnt leave anything but his name, thinking that his house exco have some form of telepathy. its being unfair to that sec one who they had to kick out to accomodate this new guy too. i mean, how would you feel if that happened to you?
worse of all, it undermines the whole system. this has nothing to do with pupil development. its jus plain stupid and breaking of every rule to please the parents. dpd stands for director of pupil development not director of parent development or purse development for that matter. whats next? a parent calls up the school and demands to know why her son was booked for attire when his friends arent? a parent demanding that his son be put in the main squad? parents calling the school to demand that their son notbe punished for not handing in his work cos his friends dont do it too and they get away with it?
ts jus ridiculous, plain and simple. dont be so hypocritical with rules man. theyre not meant to be broken, especially not by the dpd or anybody else. and whats worse, this breaking of rules affect other people too. think of that poor kid that was kicked out. think of junyi who was scolded even though it really wasnt his fault. the department is really full of bull. you think its funny? well i dont.
i think its plain repugnant behaviour that is unbecoming of anybody who is associated with the rafflesian family. and at such a high level! this is jus cheating by proxy at best. school is a microcosm of the real world they say, so dont tell me that theyre really intending to encourage this sort of crap to happen out there as well. what an eyeopener this has been. it really confirmed so many things that ive always thought about that department and the dpd. you pride yourself on integrity, hah, dont come and talk big about morals and stuff when you aint got any.
even if the rules were just bent (severely), it certainly wasnt the way to go about doing it and i think thats pretty obvious as well. and for any teachers that read this, i really cant be bothered anymore. sue me for telling the truth.
i dont like this shit.
whee_
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hey hi.
im not sure where to begin today. its been a pretty wild and rough day for me. many ups and many downs. kept them to myself alot cos i didnt really want to let the feelings become physical, hence not allowing them to become tangible. i could be miserable inside but i didnt want to allow myself to show it, so that i could prolong this illusion of order and peace. being in denial and not making the feelings concrete helps to some extent. makes the sorrow and the grief less accesible. and takes me further from the pain, even a step away, which makes for alot anyways.
it still hurts so much. the pain doesnt end, at best it jus goes away when im busy with other things and comes back later when im not. last week was hell for me mainly cos of the fact tt i had no computer to keep me occupied. now.. sigh. i lost my whole harddrive to that virus. two years worth of memories all gone. and most imptly, our memories are all gone. i cried myself to sleep the night i found out. its just to sudden and shocking.
which is why ive resolved not to believe that things cud never get worse. after the whole thing happened, i believed that and i got fired. then i believe it and we got kicked outta JGs. after that i believed it and my com crashed leaving me with nothing left absolutely, from work to precious memories that can never be replaced. sigh. i jus cant believe it lah. months on i look bad and i see nothing but pain and suffering.
i jus want out. cos i dont belong here. there has got to be a place to go. sigh. remember plotting to run away together? sigh. now i almost wish we did. maybe we really had a shot out there. maybe we could have made it. but we were always to afraid. always to scared of what our parents might do and stuff. i guess they jus took the final step didnt they. yours anyway. short of shooting me in the head they, and you, have done the next best thing, poison me slowly.
dying a slowly from the inside is extremely unpleasant. i wish it would stop. but wishes.. sigh. fuck i dont want to talk about it. goodbye. i need to do some thinking and crying.
whee_
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okay so heres an update on the whole week. or whats left of it that i can rmb.
PI was good. only one technical screwup which wasnt even our fault anyway so yeah it was good fun. postpi was pretty fun too with wesley hongyue hazmi and i wandering about on our own at the big pool and singing songs. hehs. the bbq was abit screwdup tho cos they didnt start the fire early enough so we ended up not eating much.
CCC hullett won!
chem test was for a change actually quite okay. im damn relieved. i hope and think ill do quite well so i can finally celebrate abit at doing well in a science.
juara tari was quite okay. screwed up dikir and the two songs but everyone kinda liked it i think so it wasnt so bad.
interhouse math and swim carn umm moor won maths and buckley got last so were kinda somewhere in the middle. swim carn.. well nvm. im pretty upset about the whole thing but guess there isnt much i can do or anything. jus hope over the days it gets better. over the heats i mean.
umm. cant think of more nice things to say for now. yeah. till then.
whee_
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im sorry i havent updated in a long while. my com crashed on sunday and it just came back. i lost everything. absolutely everything. and worst of all i had two years worth of photos and memories in there. everything is jus gone. wiped out. so its been a really traumatic week. i still cannot believe that everything is gone jus like that. right now ive alot of things to say but im really in a blur so id do a proper update later okay? maybe in the morning or tomorrow. i promise.
whee_
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i feel sad. dario, you are not a loser okay? it must really hurt doing badly and everything but its all part of life, and i know its freaking unfair cos you put in effort for godssakes, and i know you do, and so do alot of other people. i guess the harshest critic of yourself can be yourself for the most of us. dont criticise yourself dude. build up on what youve got now. at least youre not lazy like alot of other dumbf*cks i know. and sadly, they get good marks. sigh. thats why im happy when hongyue does really well and im not when some other people do. cos he not only is hardworking, but he deserves in every other way as well.
and as for you dario, i think you deserve that success too. itll come to you one day. at the very least, though i know its insubstantial, i take you seriously okay? =] you wont grow up to be all results no character like a whole class of people i know. and at the end of the day, thats what really matters. and since youre a very bright boy, youll have the best of both worlds eventually, both the results and inside. i knmow its very hard to be satisfied right now and i agree that you dont have to feel that way. jus stick it out till the the night is over and the sun rises again.
always darkest before dawn. remember that always my fren. take care dude.
whee_
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im hurt. lets talk about stuff that has hurt the past few months.
"whatever lahh. good luck with your life." you know, somehow that really hurts.
"dont waste my time." -the phone goes dead- that hurts too.
"its over."
"im perfectly happy."
"talk to him also no use."
okay if i were to continue it would become immensely suspicious as to where ive heard or obtained them from. sigh. whatever. jus go on hurting me. i wont back down like you did.
whee_
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we were meant to ive for so much more.
but all thats left now is a shadow of what once was and the long gone sweet fragrance of what could have been. for a long time i held intoxicated by those vapours and i still am. ive nothing to say tonight, because there is nothing left to be said. nothing nice happened today anyway. oh yeah, i started hallucinating today. suddenly turned to yam during lit class and said "ny" cos i tot he asked what school was it witht the yellow blazers. turns out he didnt. owell.
mr tan says i must take care of myself. im trying sir, i really am, and thanks alot for your concern. mrs lim, thanks for the cd as well, i think its really nice. well, yeah. today we did 5 items, which i came intending to fail but didnt fail anything and did quite well considering the sort of physical state im in now. couldnt answer 14 marks worth of questions for physics today so its all good in that area. sighfuck. whatever.
im tired. i need to do my nightly newspaper reading. goodbye. oh yeah, lee hu, where did you go? i miss your tags.
whee_
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from radioheads exit music (for a film), a song written for romeo + juliet, played during the ending credits.
we hope that your rules and wisdom choke you
my love for you, always forever
we hope that you choke.. that you choke
we hope that you choke.. that you choke
we hope that you choke.. that you choke
those lines of course, dedicated to the wonderful parents of the montagues and capulets. i dedicate this to certain parents i know as well, may god be with you. cos i dont only hope that you choke, but i pray so bloody hard that you choke, keel over, turn blue and die a horrible asphyxiating and delightfully painful death. choke on your rules. choke on your wisdom. choke on your beliefs. choke on yourselves. choke and very-fucking-well die. youve ruined my fucking life enough already, dont go around ruining the lives of others too.
sigh. i hate life almost as much as it hates me now. its far too cruel, cunning and devious for me to comprehend. it connives and plots without mercy nor compassion for those who truly believe in it. its when you live your life to the fullest that when you realise your life was a lie, everything crumbles down into a heap of dust. im worn out, drained, overworked, overtaxed, worn to a frazzle and im loving every bit of it all. because when the time comes for me to physically crumble, it would be the end. at long last.
the culmination of my lifes work will be apparent then. maybe then people might understand better. if i was some exhibit that they could finally piece together, part by part, little by little. but the difference is this time they dont have to catch up with me anymore, cos im lying on the cold marble slab, very much dead and lifeless, jus like i feel i should be most of the time these days. life is bestial, brutish and impiteous. time to snap out of it honey.
jus walk on and on. keep walking and keep my head down and watch my step. whats the point of looking up and seeing a world filled with suffering and pain. the last time i looked up i was blinded by my own hapiness that i did not see that i was walking right off the edge. and once you fall off, theres no getting back on anymore. im gone. thats it. ive decided that im gone. flying away so far far away where no one can catch me anymore. theyre not gonna get me.
just you and me, all else is nothing
not going back, not going back there
they don't understand
they don't understand us
no. im wrong there. its not jus you and me, its jus me all alone, all else is nothing. im not going back there, cos they dont understand us, they dont understand me. im going to run away. escape somewhere out of reach. and live a lie in peace. lliving a lie is better than to live out nothing at all. i dont care what happens as long as ive got my dream and ive got my lie to live. its mine. cos its the only bloody thing left in this world that i can call mine anymore. and for fucks sake dont try to fucking take it away from me and ruin everything cos its fucking mine and nobody can touch it. nobody can touch me.
i wont let anybody destroy me again. nobody will get me this time. not this time. not when ive made it through this far. i dont know much, but i know i fucking hell will not let myself face this shit again. if nobody else agrees with me, i still got myself. im going to shut my ears and eyes and pretend that everything will be alright again. that i can be whole again. ill shut my eyes and shut my ears. and the world will watch me silently, without word or critique, jus the way it should be. and i can smile to myself knowing that im safe here in my world. alone, but safe from prying eyes and evil intentions. safe, from pain.
this is strike three.
whee_
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im a freak. im a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here. i dont belong here. im so sorry everyone. i really am.
ms quah scolded me today for involving myself in pi because the rehearsals clash with rp rehearsals. she says that cast morale isnt too high as a result of their lead actor being mia for rehearsals like for eg. i wasnt around the whole of last week. hence she says i shouldnt add to cast anxiety by absenting myself when i have a choice, in this case, whether to mc pi or not. shes probably alluding to the fact that im being very selfish here and putting my own interests above the casts' and production's interests. and im not going to deny it cos to some extent i really am.
ive grown tired of having to think about the welfare of others all the time and forsake myself along the way. look what the last time i did all that got me. it brought me here. to this hell. and im sorry if im so screwd up that i have to think of myself too. im so sorry that ive to skip rehearsals cos im sick and find any reason possible to skip them. i really cannot stand being there. i absolutely cannot. it pains me so much, far beyond anybody might begin to comprehend, or at least, anybody that matters.
im really sorry i cant explain it very clearly now. i feel dead tired and dead sick and am aching everywhere as a result of driving myself to edge of my physical and mental capacities, far beyond every limit ive tested before. im coming to breaking point and one day soon ill find that i jus cannot get up from my bed anymore to face reality and face the truth. as is, today during malay debates sharp pains already began shooting up my back and my shins. now theyre back again cept that my eyes and head burn and my neck stings as well.
my eyes cant open nor close cos they hurt either way. my arms cant hold out for much longer either. i know i need some rest but i cannot afford to be fooled by my body'sapparent need for rest because if i dont drive myself to the limits of physical exhaustion every night i know for a fact that i will not have a peaceful dreamless sleep. and because of this i will continue to keep pushing myself harder and harder, to make sure every goddamn thing i do, i do it well.
im sorry for my need to feel needed and wanted again. thats why i involve myself in so many things, cos i cant stick around when life loses its meaning. ive to therefore find ways to bring that meaning back, though it will never ever be half the same as before. and each time my heart is stabbed with the sharpest knife in your arsenal, i need to pick myself up again by finding something new to immerse myself in and busy myself with so that i can feel remotely important, if not to you than at least to some other people.
thats why melissa, if i look sad during rehearsals, its really cos im sad. im thinking about what happened. im thinking about why. im asking myself so many questions. and im wondering to myself how much longer does this have to go on, and whats the next thing that i should busy myself with so that i can escape and run away once more. my sanity is at stake here and i cant afford to lose anymore of it to you. im kept together by the frail bonds that my commitments make to ghold my heart in place for the timebeing. if im busy with something i only need to tell myself that if i dont make it through this and survive, im going to jeapordise everything and it will affect other people too.
so it makes it easier to jus push on. even though my body is falling apart. even though my mind is crumbling slowly as well. i have to push on no matter what because i cannot allow myself to feel the pain that comes from loss and loneliness again. i cannot and will not allow myself to subject myself to that sort of torture again. it is unbelievable and painful beyond anything i had ever experienced before and as far as possible i do not want to have to feel it again.
im sorry guys. i dont belong here i know. i dont belong anywhere anymore. i jus yearn to find peace somehow and somewhere where i can be accepted and appreciated and understood completely and comprehensively. in short, i am asking for the impossible. i realise that i cant get there so im doing the next best thing - work till i drop. i cannot stop. i mus not stop. not on any accounts, no matter what anybody says. i will not give in this time.
whee_
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hey people.
jus had a nice chat with d!ngs about life and stuff. and friends. something which we both will completely die without. theyre really such a huge part of our lives its inescapable. not that its any bad or anything.. they play such a huge role in our lives that sometimes we take them for granted and dont realise how dear they are to us.. and how dear we are to them as well. thats why i never ever stay at home when im on mc. it just sucks being alone at home knowing all the people you care so much about are having fun at school. i find that i recover much better around friends anyway. some weird placebo effect.
something really hit me today. that people do care. i know it may seem abit late to realise all this but yeah. i dont know. today has been a pretty wild day that really set me thinking, as i always do, but this time on where im focusing on, and maybe perhaps im paying too much attention on things that should not matter as much. i dont know. its like.. its very weird. sigh. i care about my friends and they care about me too (as id like to believe) but its very hard for me to immerse myself completely into this belief and be satisfied with it.
my friends, theyre really an awesome bunch of people, the greatest ever no mattter what anybody thinks or says. cos theyre my frens and thats what counts at the end of the day. these past few days ive grown to appreciate who my real friends are. ive come to realise who are those people wholl stand by me no matter what and who are those wholl pick me up when i fall. ive come to fully realise the value of those people who may not seem to care but actually worry their heart out for me.
and to these very very special people, i want to say thank you for being my friend. thanks for being there when i needed you. thanks for being there to hold on to my dream when i was close to letting go. thanks for sticking around no matter how much i may have pushed all of you away. thanks for being with me and not expecting me to change jus cos im not as perfect as society desires me to be. thanks for everything guys.
i love you guys. i would have never made it thus far through all the pain this year has dealt me without the constant support from the close group of individuals who have never left my side. this whole episode has helped me get closer to every one of you and i thank god for that, because it is truly a blessing to have known all of you. i dont know what i would have done if i never had you guys to pull me through so far. if theres anybody who id want to make the best out of whatever may be left of my life for, itll be you people, cos i dont wanna let you guys down by bailing out along the way.
you people are amazing and thats that =]
of course no day is without its ups and downs. plenty of down points for today. mainly cos of all the memories that kept flashing through my head today, moreso than other days. they jus keep coming and coming and it really really really hurts alot. right now, is when they come back the most. when im chatting to nobody and feeling my utmost loneliest. it really does hit me right there smack between the temples that hey boy youve lost it already heres something to remind you of it teeheehee.
sigh. i wish it didnt hurt that much but it did. and ill always believe that love will lead us back one day. sigh. but i wont cry.. or at least ill try not to. cos true love never dies. and my love for you, will not leave me. and it tells me something. it tells mee that ill constantly try to devote myself to you no matter what and ill accept whatever comes my way somehow because thats the only way that it can be. no matter what. no matter how hard i try. there is only so much that i can hope for and try to change. the rest.. will just come my way and i will overcome them and accept them eventually.
In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared
In the years to come
Are you gonna think it over and
How we lived each day with no regrets
Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart
Is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts is the only way now
For you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Cos true love never dies
In a year from now
Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said
In a year from now
Maybe we'll see each other standing on the same street corner
No regrets
Each and every head is always written in the stars
If only I can stop the world and make this last
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart
Is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts is the only way now
For you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Cos true love never dies
And when you need my arms to run into
I'll comfort you
Nothing will ever change the way I feel
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart
Is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts is the only way now
For you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love everyday
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Cos a true love never dies
sigh. ill try not to cry anymore. cos true love never dies. and if you ever need me arms to run into. ill always be waiting to comfort you. nothing will ever change the way i feel my love. i love you so much now, even though > two months have passed. i pray for the best and that things will go back to what once was again. and i pray that youre happy, whatever it is. and know that there is nothing i wont give, jus to have you back again. all youve got to say is when.
ill be right behind your shoulder watching you. ill be right behind your shoulder in all you do. and i will never leave as long as you believe. i believe. and that is enough for me to live another day. to know that i walk this earth in living memory of what once was. so be it if ive to remain this forgotten past and live it out in my head alone all day. i accept my fate, jus as i once accepted youre rejection, then your love, then all this. i jus miss you, if anything. and if youre reading this, remember that ill still be there to tuck you in at night and watch over you, jus like how it was before.
well be awrite in the end. we will. we have to be. ill see you when you get there, and hopefully before i regress into any worse states of depression and succumb to it. i never start something i dont finish and im not finished with this yet. i know you know this and maybe one day youll realise that youre nott done either, then maybe, we can go back to writing our chapters of this book together. i wont burn the book honey, because its far too precious.
live and let live and follow your heart. this is jus about all ive to say for tonight. listen to your heart. jus as we once did. jus as i still do. =] i love you.. and to evryone else that has made my life bearable at any point in time, love ya guys too. this is goodnight.
whee_
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right. i finished only two pieces of work this whole weekend but i think theyre very well done so im happy about that at least. did my ss education assignment and malay formal letter. took forever and a day to do the former.. and its awfully long and stuff but im really pleased with it, especially the first question. hongyue thinks its an 'extremely intelligent' essay and thats something coming from someone up there so i guess i can be happy at least one person thinks i did a good job.
my letter.. well i think its not bad. the language jus came to me for once - i didnt have to try to even include the cool words in and all.. the sentence structure is as usual abit messy but i really hope i do well for this piece of work for a change. plus i really want to show cikgu that im trying my bestest - which i really am - but isnt obvious enough more often than not. sigh. i really am trying really hard.. its just very difficult for me and i plead for understanding from everyone..
lets see.. do i have anything else thats nice to blog about? umm today wasnt too good a day i suppose but not one fraught with like.. shit. yeah. woke up in the morning. completed ss. went for religous class where i did some malay. came home did malay. caught some telly here and there (bits and pieces of fight club, anaconda, miss congeniality and queen of the damned). yeah and now im blogging earlier than usual cos this is supposed to be my break before diving into new pieces of work. sadly enough.
okay so ive nothing left thats nice to say. umm.. let me rack my brains on this one.. hmm okays im satisfied. nothing left thats worth mentioning thats good or pleasant. oh and ive to come up with a script for pi very very soon. diedie. oh! took neoprints with hazmi yamb and yowie the other day.. very nice! theres at least one pic of each one of us looking spastic. haha. esp yam.. sigh.
fuck i did the stupidest thing imaginable and looked through all our photos again. fuck. argh. sigh. okay whatever. ill calm down. sigh. this so was not meant to be. things were never meant to turn out this way. i cant be forced to blog every night for the rest of my life or at least these next few months jus cos if i dont release everything itll come back to haunt me when i sleep. this is an impossible situation thats absolutely killing me.
i really dont know. my blogs are getting shorter and shorter by the day. i think it has alot to do with the fact that ive run outta words to describe how i feel. same old shit different day. sigh. whatever.
whee_
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i dreamt of you not once, but twice this morning. as if one cruel reminder of your departure wasnt enough it had to come again. sigh. i dont know what to say anymore honestly. whatever god, jus zap me off this earth with a lightning bolt or something, fast. stop torturing me w all this and stop letting me be tortured as well.
its been more than two months now but the pain has not lessened. and the stupid radio is blasting love song after love song and i cant shut it cos my parents are listening to them. wth man. i dont know lah. i really completely do not.
whee_
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im emceeing pi! yayyness. havent done anything fun in awhile so this came in very timely.
well. for one cip was really fun in a weird way. the sec ones are so adorable! hahas. and shang, amin, khee ngiap and yam came to slack with my group and i so we had even more fun. we even stopped by at the void deck of some block to play heart attack, the whole 14 of us. it musta looked really funny.. hearing a group of ri guys yelling one two three pass at the lift lobby surrounded by piles of newspapers. hee. they collected like a microwave and this archaic thing which i dont even know what it is until now. oh and a few fans as well. and a hp deskjet 640c. haha. and a huge teddy bear!
after everything we took pictures and all.. sigh. i had an okay day really.. i wish it was back in the afternoon again. at this time of the night it jus gets back into the whole lonely phase. sigh. and somehow i feel really bad. im in this phase where im trying to find who my real friends are.. flitting from group to group testing the waters and determining where i should run to and to whom do i belong.
nowadays i jus cant take it anymore and have got to run away, as very clearly seen from my absenteeism for the past week. ive barely been anywhere but jus stoning around hanging out and.. well, trying to survive. now the week is drawing to a fast close once again. they say theyre missing me at rehearsals, but do they really? do i really miss them? do i miss someone else instead? does that person miss me too? sigh. im not saying that theyre lying but more of which me do they miss, the real me or the fantasy me, the one which i put for show most of the time.
im tired of lying to myself. i threw everything behind this for a reason and im not going to lie that it was for something futile. it wasnt and it can remain that way.. but sadly i cant do it alone and whats worse is that there really isnt anyone out there who can help in the first place and wants to. sigh. i just want to be happy and nothing ever made me happier that that so why not stick to a formula that works - if it aint broke, dont fix it?
sigh. im at a poverty of words , depravity of feeling and devoid of thought and without much choice. a small fish cannot flow against the flow of the river forever. one day it will be swept away with the current.. together with the other fish that once swam with him, but is now far away, lost in the waters of another time. man. i hate this shit. but i have to get it out of my system everynight or i cant sleep a wink.
the pain. you bet it hurts. i bet that youre probably satisfied at last.
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ri team one made it to the semis. a huge relief. a really really huge relief. so now i can continue living vicariously in their victory and make myself feel good by association.
okay fuck im really tired of this. my dad jus came out and was like 'can you please contribute to the housekeeping?' like whatthefuck? im fucking busy and have hardly any time at all for myself and here hes telling me that i should do something to clean up the house. i need my time off too goddammit. this is not all aimless blogging okay, no matter what anybody thinks. i need somewhere to let go of all these things and since i freaking cant do it at home [for fucks sake i cant even cry in peace at home] ive to let it go through my blog.
well fuck it all okay. im really tired and the last thing i need is somebody telling me to this and that as if i had all the time in the world and all the strength left in me. well i dont okay. i very fucking well dont. i live now to suck away others happiness and to attempt to feel good by association to jus about everything. the stupid malay papers cant stop insulting and its really fucking demoralising cos our finals are in a few weeks time. i dont know what the fuck our team is doing wrong but we cant seem to outshine those sji-ans.
weve worked so bloody hard this year and the last. i dont wanna lose another final. being out of jg's is one. losing you was the biggest blow of course. if i lose malay debates too i swear ill jus.. i dont fucking know. i hate this ya noe. navjote do you really think im okay whenever i say i am? well im not okay i really am not. i jus dont want anybody to worry about me okay. i dont. ill be fine on my own. if i dont make it it wouldnt be anybodys fault.
i jus want my life back. not this poor excuse of a living that ive got right now. wandering around aimlessly along this path that i chose because nobody wants to guide me down that path and help me get to the end of it cos theyre too busy tearing down what we, what i, built for so long. fuck it all. i dont want to believe it but why do people hate us so much? that was the question i asked you so many times.. that we never could answer. all we could do was cry over the phone and reflect quietly.
now im all alone reflecting this timeless question that ill probably never get to answer. why do people hate us so much still? not as a individuals, but together? and why do you hate me so much? why cant anybody accept who i am and build up on it instead of trying to change who i am? please tell me why somebody. why do you push me away, not allowing anything to ever happen between us again? why do you choose to cut me off completely out of your life and yet leave me hanging at the edge of your knife?
why do you force me to go through all this pain when you know that it gets neither of us anywhere? guys im really sorry but if ever anything happens.. if i dont wake up the next day.. its nobodys fault. dont grief for ive gone to a better place, where i cant feel pain cos im fucking dead. i dont want to die.. i really dont. but at times like this.. around the same time each morning i jus want to leave this fucked up place immediately.
i cant take this. im okay around everyone cos i mus appear okay or else people will think im crazy, my parents will bug me, my teachers will be overconcerned etcetcetc and i dont want to depress people as well. this is *my* pain, my suffering, my agony. its not fair for me to place the burden on others as well. no matter how much everyone has added to my pain its not their fault. i refuse to blame anyone but myself.
after all i got myself into this. i was the one who fell in love. and by doing so, charted the path of my life into the deep abyss that is the unknown. i threw myself with everything else behind me, right into it. and now as i try to swim out, all the baggage pulls me down with their immense weight. i cant breathe. i cant move. i cant swim anymore cos im jus so dead tired. please help me. dont drown me in hope of a better reincarnation. i want this me to live. please help me save myself.
please help us save us. i pray so hard every goddamn day but it doesnt work. its the only thing i ever prayed this hard for and this constantly. i want it back so freaking badly. sigh. theres no use saying all this over here. the thoughts still remain in my mind. forever and always on my mind. thats you. i told you once that i wanted to love you forever.. that still hasnt changed. whatever you do, ill be two steps behind, right here waiting for you.
please. anyone. please. im begging you. tell me whats wrong. tell me what i did. tell me why. tell me everything. answer my questions. so that i can rest in peace. so that i can go into the night knowing what had gone wrong. so that i can leave this place with the satisfaction that i finally know why. i dont want to be some ghost with unfinished business. i want to be at peace, in life and in death.
my eyes burn and head throbs; my cue to sleep. sigh. for what its worth, i love you. always. sigh. and i refuse to say that i wish i hadnt and didnt. because ill never forget what we had and neither should you. and neither should anyone out there whos trying to help me out here. never forget. ever. and dont leave me to live it out in my dreams alone.
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im at home. sick. luckily too. ive really been needing this rest.. but sigh. as i always do on the days when im sick, i come to school anyway so thats what im going to do as soon as i visit the doctor. my eyes are aflame and my head still throbs. blah. dont know if i should turn up for cca or not. seems very inane but i dont know.. maybe i should jus go watch tonights quarters at bukit merah.
on another note im really pleased i got like 7 hours of sleep for once. thats about > two days worth of sleep so its really something. and before i go id like to quote the newspapers yesterday. in Life! yesterday, Burberry designer christopher bailey says "donna and tom taught me to do what i believe in and do it with all the passion i can muster. your head, they say, should follow where your heart tells you to go."
you know, i wish everyone knew that. especially you. sigh.
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hey bel.
im flattered that i get to inspire people with my blogs but i hope i didnt depress anyone.. cos bel, the last think id like is to have made someone unhappy. or maybe, like i once was, youve been holding everything inside for too long. the blogs a place where one shouldnt hide anything. i think the startling lack of veracity that our generation has, has mercifully passed me over. i dont like to lie. i dont want to paint no pretty picture. this is my life, take it or leave it. anyways.. its not wrong to be sad so i guess there really isnt much too hide on a blog.
today has been a screwd up day as expected. i came home a slight while before midnite after a long day at school and ccas. i am super duper tired and my eyes are burning. my head aches and my brain throbs. but as usual i cant sleep yet. sigh. with each pulsating heartbeat i think of you. todays 2.4 run.. despite how tired i was and how hot it was.. i jus told myself that if i wanted you back i had to keep on going. and i did. sigh.
this dream is all that i have to keep me going. i try to busy myself with everything else so that i can hang on to other dreams as well but.. its draining me so much. i havent had >3hrs of sleep a day since three weeks ago and im getting more n more tired as the days go by. theres jus so much to do and nowhere to begin. and my parents dont even understand why i have to keep myself this busy..
they scold me about ignoring my work but i cant figure out how to explain to them how i must keep myself so busy that i cant think of you anymore. how i must drive myself to absolute physical exhaustion before i can allow myself to rest on my bed. the life now is too painful. there has got to be a solution right? sigh.
i dont know whats more of a lie. that ill get over this or that i wont. right now, in the midst of all this shit im not sure what to believe either. we jus went in too deep. im jus in too deep. i really cannot manage this. i swear on whoevers name that i cannot. its not easy no matter what people say or think. and its up to you whether you want to believe if im making this harder for myself or not.
i dont care what people think anymore. ive explained it so many times it hurts to even think about it anymore. but it happens anyway cos youre everywhere to me.. sigh. i cant run away. i can hide. im all alone mocked by the image of what once was and haunted by your presence, always nearby and always reminding me that i had you cruelly snatched away by the claws of society. youre so near yet so far.. and that makes it all the more worse.
how i struggled so hard yesterday to compose myself and be in a good mood. how it hurt to not even get a decent word from you. how my heart broke again when you jus walked away time after time after time. sigh. am i nothing to you anymore? at all? if emoively this doesnt appeal to you, how about logically? do i deserve this treatment? sigh. have i ever done anything to justify this sorta shit?
it just hurts so much when someone who you meant everything to treat you like dirt. even more so than those people who you hate, you talk to them much more now. while i.. i dont know. you still mean absolutely everything to me.. and even now, two months on.. nothings changed. sadly. i just want things between us to be alright again. cant anybody help? wont anybody even try to do so?
i guess not. those who can, wont. and those who cant, well, cant. sigh. its two months goddamit. how long more mus this pain last?
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