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Copyright © vy
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Monday, May 31, 2004
boo!
okay. i jus woke up. i know im such a pig. so many things have happened in the past week. im so lazy to type them all out.. gah. nevermind. the first thing on my priorities list is the script of course. i have got to finish it by tonight so that i can meet walter and we can do something with our scripts before he leaves for UK. annoying. i cant believe the UK trip is going to be ten bloody days and its taking away precious rehearsal time for dfeste.
but anyway, tomorrow is ppp! yahoo! okay tt sounds major dumb. haha. im not gonna suffer the indignity of being dunked into the pool cos im gonna jump in myself. hah.
speaking of dunking and indignity.. i got dunked last night in my full sch uniform. haha. actually i was going to jump in but i thought it was going to be really boring if i were to just jump in, so i made them dunk me in. we had such a funny time at the debates celebration yesterday man.. haha. everyone got dunked in except navjote - who if not for his medical reasons, would have probably gone in as well. last to go in was yixun who was so darn reluctant at first but went in anyway. even chens went in. haha.
we had good catered food for a change and pizza too. pelican pizza rocks! its damn cheesy.. yummy.. oh crap. look at the time. okay i mus get down to that script of mine. like, NOW. ill blog more tonight.
love,
kwai.
whee_
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i havent blogged in ages. theres just nothing to say anymore.
im searching for inspiration to write my script tonight. i am still waiting. it isnt here yet. im really absolutely drained right now but i mus keep writing. i cant jus stop like that. it seems.. terrible to do so. sigh.
i read chen's driving home. brilliant stuff. i love it.. yet it saddens me greatly as well. sigh. ill be back.
whee_
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i dont want me back. tts plan c i suppose.
whee_
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im sorry. this is all my fault. everything is my fault. i am sorry.
whee_
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life it seems, will fade away
drifting further every day
getting lost within myself
nothing matters no one else
i have lost the will to live
simply nothing more to give
there is nothing more for me
need the end to set me free
things are not what they used to be
missing one inside of me
deathly lost, this can’t be real
cannot stand this hell I feel
emptiness is filling me
to the point of agony
growing darkness taking dawn
i was me, but now he’s gone
no one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
now I can’t think, think why I should even try
yesterday seems as though it never existed
death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
good. hate me then. make some sorta club, then all of you can hate me together. it would make everything so much easier, it really would. all you guys can say is no plan b, but have you even begun to consider what would drive me to such lengths in the first place? does anybody even bother to stop for a moment and remember that not everyone is as blissfully happy as you are sometimes? that every smile and laugh so far is all for you? tt im tired of having to trudge through this as though i could pull it off day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year?
that saturday. our last day together. it was hell. can anybody begin to imagine how i felt when your father called you on your phone and you had to rush back all the way because you werent supposed to go out? i was so scared. and when your phone got confiscated the next day, i felt so terrible so afraid. i didnt know wth to do because i cuddnt do anything. and when i saw that email from you, do you know how i felt? does anyone know how i freaking felt reading that email? let me paste it here.
my parents have taken my hp away from me and they have restricted me from communicating with you at all. if i am ever caught, i don't know what my parents might do to me. they do not want you to try to contact me, and even if i'm online (but i don't think i will be) i am not supposed 2 message you. they have only allowed me to send this one email to you, but please do not reply...
my heart jus broke. i knew it was the end. yet i was comforted by the thought that perhaps our love might pull us through as it always had before. you called me the following night. for that short thirty seconds that we spoke.. i can still rmb your words. you said that you probably had to put down soon cos you cuddnt be caught on the phone, esp w me. and i told you tt it was okay, because we could meet somehow later. and i told you i loved you and you said you loved me too.
did you know how much better i felt hearing those words from you? and then what happens? my heart which broke and was put back together again shattered once more. i found out you didnt want it anymore. or was it your parents? either way it crushed me. i couldnt take it and i think by now everyone who was around me during those days knows what i mean. how the hell was i suppose to absorb all that in one short weekend? you last words to me that saturday was that youd love me forever and that somehow well make it thru this together. and then what?
and that very morning. when you were crying into my arms. all i could do was feel so damn helpless because as usual i was torn between two responsibilities as i always had been, you and something else. that day was house day. i never thought twice about giving other things up because i knew i could go home to you. that was then. i lost everything, including some of those other responsibilities, and there i was. sized down back to life size.
i was so bloody scared all weekend, so fricking helpless, so fucking useless and jus so damn afraid of what was going to happen. and everything i had ever hoped and worked for for so long came to nothing. absolutely nothing. i gave everything i had to something that failed me in the end. how the hell am i supposed to feel? fine. jus fucking hate me. i hate myself too. we can join the club together.
and whats worse is that i never understood how i could deserve this in anyway. what did i ever do? what? you never told me, and nor has anybody. nobody has ever been able to tell me either. you wanna know why? huh? cos i dont think there was ever anything that i did that couldve qualified me for this sort of thing. i did not. i loved you fiercely and did nothing but care absolutely. and you know what? i did all that even after all the heartbreak and pain of rejection and absolutely everything else.
why did i hold on, you ask me. because i believed in it, in us, in love. and for awhile it seemed as though i believed correctly. then this happened. heartbreak after heartbreak. is that supposed to happen? do i need this? do i deserve this? maybe in some twisted way i do. you know, all those love songs.. so many of them are about one party apologising for doing this and that to the other and regretting it and wanting the other party back and promising not to do those things again.
but what the hell. i can find nothing in this case that fits any of those songs. what, is this retribution for being as successful as i am right now? do i deserve this because im alive? is it to balance it out so that im on par with those needy kids who are fine emotionally but financially wanting? is it retribution for teasing joey and maxwell? is it it payment for boozing? what is it dammit.
maybe i was jus wrong to ever think that things could have been perfect for us. but for a time they were. anybody can tell you that. but people remember that time, and look at us now and rather leave us in this state. leave me in this state. i suppose as much power i command being up there (or close to it) i cant even get that basic respect. all i ask is for some peace of mind. and that is something that i cant get because nobody will deign to give it to me.
i gave everything. i was led into an illusion and fell off the last step off the stairway to heaven. all ive ever thought about is other people all the way. how much more? how far more? i had a good mind jus not turning for sttd. it wouldnt have been detrimental to me. but i came anyway, because it was for you. it was for all of you. i held on because i knew that i cud not have spoiled everyones hard work jus because i was dying little by little every single day.
think about it everyone. ive tried so hard to please everybody in every way that i can. yet as much as i try, i cannot please the most important people in my life. and worse, i cant breathe easy either. so many questions and no answers at all. and you expect me not to want to jus walk away from it all, and act as though nothing ever happened. i give up you know that. its checkmate for me.
i cant stand lying in my bed every single night with only the silence for company. that is when all the memories stab me in the dark. when im chilled to the bone, hiding under the covers, afraid to look out for fear of what i might see. im too scared to open my eyes, im too scared to close them. im afraid of living and im afraid of dreaming. you dont know how much it hurt me then and hurts me still. you jus simply dont.
what memories do you keep, when the ones you remember are those you try to forget. what life do you live, when the one you live out is the one you try to end. what person do you become, when the one you are is dead and lost. what love do you believe in, when the one youve always trusted betrays you when you need it the most. what is there left to do, when youve done evrything you can possible imagine.
im tired of living like a ghost. eating, drinking, sleeping, laughing, but all for nothing. come take it all way. come crush me now, i am your beautiful prey.
whee_
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ive endured today for long enough. its jus been screw up after screwup after screwup. rage was destroyed by not only horrible emceeing courtesy of yours truly but marred by technical error after error. everything jus died and it was really awful. i feel damn fucking guilty. not only for screwing up, but for not being able to console everyone about it. i cant believe it lah. shit. its not their fault.. they practised so hard lahh dammit and then everything went down the drain in a matter of moments. thanks to stupid errors.
oh fuck. something unbelievably painful jus happened. thats it. its time for plan b. if everything is as true as its supposed to be, plan b is ging to kick in in a very short while. for zul, this life is over. i will remember nothing about my life thus far from months back till now. i will not. i will forget evrything. i will pretend as though sttd never happened. it will be as though nothing hadever transpired between us, or anything of that sort had ever happened.
to the people he will forget: zul will miss everyone. deep down inside he loves you all. till our paths cross again on some other happy day, this is zul signing out for the very last time. this wound has got to stop bleeding.
whee_
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busybusybusy week. but i jus absolutely must update about today very quickly.. ill do a full one tmr.
PROMETHEUM X WAS SO AWESOME
everything was so great! oura was wonderful! imran was fantastic! yowie was damn bloody cool! boon was amazing! everything was so cool lahh.. damn fun. i had a great time emceeing it. i really hope that tomorrow will be the same kinda fun. i had such a bloody good time today, i really did. luckily i brought my digicam and caught pics of vch etc. the placeis pretty ulu..
but rimb was jus so bloody good! i didnt know they were that good lahh.. damn. i wish i was half as pro. and boon! gosh. no wonder imran asked boon to marry him. he was really good.. really really good. everything was good lahh.. shit. i miss being there already. my fav song definitely has to be jalan-jalan. i thought it was really good east meets west fusion music. was damn nice and i loved it.
well.. more of whatever tomorrow. seeyou soon!
RIMB ROCKS!
whee_
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im aching everywhere. rugby was a killer. saturday was just a major bitch. damn tiring and damn sad. troy was good i guess but it was too lovey dovey at times for me. i assure you tt its just me - and despite my discomfiture i loved the script anyway. it was really good. go watch if you havent.
its been awhile. ive been playing yugioh so much to chase away the blues - it works mostly - except when it hangs my com. before that, thanks james for yugioh, and thanks kevin for the other two games (which i darent open n play for fear of ending up playing them as often as i do yugioh, and hence not do any work at all. yeah.). but the clouds always come back anyway, at times when im all alone, when im not distracted by anything else, when the only sounds i hear is the sound of silence. thats when you return once again.
i dreamt of you last night. and during my afternoon nap. this great grief has become something so preternatural already. my eyes are constantly ready to cry, its just that i cannot bring myself to do so nor will i allow myself to cry - as far as possible anyway. at night jus before i go to sleep and im shutting down this computer i listen to the silence and shut my eyes. im afraid.
i can hear your laughter and your voice. i can feel your touch and your tears. i can smell your scent. i can taste your lips. i can see the shadows of a love that once was. is it better to have loved and lost or to never have loved and kept your heart? i want to be part of the latter. nobody whose supposed to be able to sympathise or understand seems to understand the pain. i wish i could explain it all here but i cant and wont anyway.
sigh. i dont know. as the days go by i dont feel any further from the suffering and sorrow. its supposed to fade in time but i dont feel it happening in any case. i try to cheer up - and nobody can deny that - but at the end of the day i still feel so dead empty inside, because i gave all of it away to someone who scattered the pieces of my heart into the wind.
the lonely shadows still linger and so does your presence. memories flash in my head - images, sounds, everything - one by one, reminding me of the past that i lost, the me that you left behind, and the world that is at fault. waking up everyday has been a pain. but i held on to bring sttd to life as best as i cud - god knows how hard it was for me - and now my job is done.
now im not holding on to anything but the past. believing that this is some cruel twist of fate that will unravel itself, to bring me a pleasant surprise; that it is all untrue and i will be loved by someone i love again. sigh. i live not for the now but in hope that the future will be as the past; perfect and wonderful. nothing was wrong and you know it too. and then what happened until now im not very sure myself.
i left odd couple in tears the last time. will i leave it in tears once again on the 29th? will i live to see the 29th in the first place. you really dont expect the life you gave to tear itself apart. but mine did. i worked hard and waited long for it to happen and it all was gone in a flash. and im supposed to be able to accept it. and im supposed to be able to believe that its okay and everything will be fine once again.
i live for love and honour. once i had both. now i have neither. i look at my testimonial and wonder whats the use of it all. its all so meaningless. when i am on my deathbed its not the medals tt i will remember, its the things that mean the most to me, like the fact that i love someone very deeply and i am loved in return. i only dreamt of love and growing old, and now that dream has been destroyed beyond belief.
i will grow old alone and forgotten. but i will always remember that i love you, and i will get you back, in this life or the next. when those that pried us apart are gone, will you let me bring us back together again? or will you forget that i still exist. i am a ghost. i eat i sleep i go to school yet everything i do is meaningless. you gave life to it all and now you take it all away.
i will continue living in my dreams, where all is well and you love me still. one short sleep past and we wake eternally. i am waiting.
whee_
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i havent blogged in awhile. guess i dont know what to say.
today really set me thinking. where had i gone wrong? what was it that i did that sparekd of all this? was it fate? was it fair? was it me? truly can you look me in the eye and tell me that it was my fault, that it was any of our faults for that matter? i dont think so. which really is why i dont understand why this path that hurts and is unbelievably unfair to you, and recently as i noticed with renewed conviction, me.
looking at everything that we used to share and do together, reflecting back on all the things said and done, im satisfied that i loved you with all my heart and made sure you knew that too. i mean, i think if most people werent none the wiser they would concur with what im saying as well. and im still very much in love with this person that i knew a long time ago.
i read the letter i gave you just after everything happened. i couldnt bear to finish reading it. every word i still mean so much and each memory is like a painful stab to the heart. you are everywhere and you know it. there is no one worst memory. there is only the flood of emotions that drown me when i remember the perfect times and juxtapose such thoughts with the turn of events. the same person who promised to love me forever was the same person that said its over.
mr tan compared me to maxwell again and its really annoying. maxwell has no right to be in the state that i was in and even the state that im in now. he never gave half as much nor lost half as much. and even if he did, we all know its his fault. its not a case of him being maligned, its an issue of him not being able to accept that he brought his own undoing upon his sorry ass. and yet.. i feel sorry for him. because ive seen and heard it all before. and felt it too.
and so i laugh the problem off as if it doesnt exist. because it does not. whats the insinuation behind me being able to get back halfway on my feet because of the support of my friends. support is not a right. earn it. besides, i needed and still need it far more than he does. and the bald spot? it looks kind of funky. though i must say it was sheer stupidity that caused it and it will be sheer stupidity that causes things like that to happen again.
anyways. even if we were to accept that things werent going to work out, which isnt even proven and our history defied that shit anyway, it still doesnt explain the sort of treatment that i receive now. i dont like being trodden all over and it happens so often. its like.. sigh. i dont know. im trying to pretend its okay because i dont care but its not. why? because i do care. too much perhaps.
people change so much and so have you. so have i in fact. but one thing about me that has not changed from then till now is that i have hope and i still love you. when there is love, there will always be hope. because love is supposed to conquer all. and i will never let myself be defeated, no matter how painful it is to fight on. because i jus dont understand why i should accept everythings that told to me, and i shouldnt stand up for what i believe in.
i believe in us, i believe in everything we used to believe in, i believe in what we shared ad i believed in the plans we made. i believe in love. everything that ive done, its all for you. the smiles, the jokes, the laughter, the work, the sweat, the blood and the tears, theyre all for you. and though nothing seems to be working i keep trying, telling myself that maybe it takes time.
but time is wearing me out too. and the loneliness is unbearable. everytime i receive an sms i pray that its you but it never is. everytime i send an sms to you i pray tt ill get a reply but there never is. everytime i cry i can almost feel your arms around me and your hands wiping away my tears. everytime i do anything its like youre there, watching, mocking me perhaps.
there is no escaping, and i dont want to. i believe that we were happy for a reason, and a cause that we have not lost. unfortunately i have to keep believing it alone. i dont know what my aim in all this is. i guess, deep down inside im still hoping to wake up. but i guess this time the alarm clock truly is broken, and dream this nightmare i will.
whee_
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evrything that has a beginnning, has an end. this is the end, the long goodbye. once you stop giving, it dont hurt when you get none in return.
whee_
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i did it my way. and now i cant look bacck and said i was forced into this. nor can you. we did it our way. and you chose this last lap, this final mile, to be done your way.
last nights show was amazing because i couldnt wait for it to end. why? so i could see my friends. they all came down last night and i was jus so goddamn happy about that. i remember calling hongyue during the interval because i was jus so pleased that they were all down to watch me. i felt good for a moment, i did, i really did. then my world stopped spinning. the first people i truly got a look at in the audience was your family. i froze. later during the mingling my insides jus scrunched up and died when i saw them again.
the look i got.. it was so.. painful. ive seen that look before. was it on your own face? move and groove was at rj today. the last time i was there was amazing. i was there with you and it was the same night that you told me you were falling for me. but this time? this time i was jus more or less alone, lost in the sea of emotions i was struggling to emerge from. im fighting the sadness and depression off. i want to survive this. today has been a tough day but it will only get worse. i dread to imagine.
whee_
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you dont expect the life you gave to tear itself apart
yet now i feel the ones i love are fighting for my heart
theres a hand to hold, theres a word to say
theres a tale to be told, and a game to play
theres a trust to earn, and a truth to learn
theres a love to lose, theres a time, a time to choose.
ive chosen, and ive lost it all. ive lost my heart, my soul, my love and my everything. tonight was our last show. and as i took my last bow i only had you in my mind. you will never leave my heart my love, never. i love youans you know that only too well and so do i. someday, well be back together. and it will be that day that i will be so glad that i never was able to let go in something i believed in - you and me.
i will not let the life i gave tear itself apart.
whee_
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okay. *composes self*
i miss 4P!!!!! argh. being away from you buncha idiots is sooo goddamn painful i tell you. second day only and im missing you guys like shit.h hope everythings going fine with all of you in school and youre all having lotsa fun. i really pray saturday will be a damn good show sia. i bet were the most heavily represented class in ri! 3/4 of our class is going! yayy..
okay now on to more serious stuff. im worried and really scared. the first show is tmr, barely 21 hours away. we had a really good run to end rehearsals today.. if we build on that well be fantastic tmr - really. i cant wait for the show yet i dont want all this to end so soon. not jus when im starting to feel abit happier about stuff and all. its too soon. much too soon. im gonna miss everyone. im gonna miss everything. but ill always be kwai.
i like kwai. hes a nice little boy. i wanna be kwai forever.
anw.. i miss you baby. sigh. i miss alot of other things too but you most.. definitely. when youre ready to run away and leave, ill be here. love ya! sigh.
whee_
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im really tired. todays rehearsal was just phwoar. culminated in a whole bunch of crying. everythings jus a total mess. production is looming closer and closer and my mood and fragile self are getting closer and closer to complete breakdown. today was a close shave, but i know me better than that. it will come again. worse than ever, most likely. and when it does, it will be terrible.
baby baby baby. dont deny us this. dont deny me this. please honey?
whee_
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i dont want to sing to the dawn anymore.
whee_
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in a few days everything will be over. sing to the dawn will be presented to an audience of assorted people. i will go home as though nothing had ever happened. and a new sense of emptiness will fill me up. prob a level of loneliness that ive never known before, likely. i was really meant to live for so much more. not on a celexa and lost memories of absent things. i still remember the time you asked me why i loved you so much. i answered the first thing that came to mind - cos you completed me. and we jus held each other for the longest time and your warm breath of my neck and your tight embrace reminded me that i was loved as much as i loved in return.
i remember all our card games on the bench while watching spongebob. i remember baking cookies together. i remember falling asleep in your arms. i remember playing lotr on the ps2 nonstop for hours and hours. i remember lying in bed jus talking till we fell asleep. i remember all your kisses over the phone. i remember all the tears that i kissed away and my tears that you gently wiped away as well. i remember looking into your eyes and telling you that i loved you. i remember our anniversary dinners. i remember all those little games we played. i remember all your smses. all your hugs. your kisses. your licks. your mibbles.
i remember the things you told me. i remember you telling me that youll love me forever no matter what. i remember you telling me that well get thru this together somehow. i remember you saying that if ever you got the chance to say 'i do' it would be with me. i remember all the chats we had at the stupid busstop. i remember walking across that overhead bridge, holding hands, oblivious to everything. i remember our very first day and night together. i still have that silly rubber band you gave me.
i remember all our movies. i remember le divorce in particular. i remember all the shopping. i remember all the trips to haagen daaz, swensens, fish n co, coffee club express and nydc. hell i even remember newton circus for that matter. i remember the bus rides. i remember the cabs. i remember the midnight trips to the petrol station. i remember the neoprints. i remember singing to youb the songs i wrote for you. i remember just listening to you breathe and taking comfort in the fact that i know youre there.
i remember everything. i remember you loved me. and i love you too. always.
whee_
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it hurts. in how many ways can i say that? sigh. theres only so much one can say until one gets tired of saying it over and over again. but i cant stop. cos if i do.. sigh. i dont know. production is in a few days. it has been like nothing that ive remotely envisioned it to be. this production will be like none other. cos ive never suffered more during any rehearsals or whatever as compared to the past five months. ive never prayed nor hoped harder as well. both of which came to nought.
maybe sttd will come to nought as well. i mean, im in it. what could be worse. sigh.
whee_
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its exactly three months now since the last time you said you loved me. the call you gave me, our last phone call, the call before the day you came and used my heart to hammer all the nails into my own coffin. you watched me cry, you watched me go on my knees and beg you for an explanation, you watched me bleed away and drown in my own sorrow. and for once, when im fading fast in that pool of tears, there is no hand reaching out to save me, no ray of love to guide me back, no.. you.
do you even realise whats been going on. i wonder. you seem really caught up with things.. isit fashionable to break someones heart repeatedly and get away with it? seems to be very widely accepted anyway. i dont enjoy this you know, i really dont, and id jus like to remind everyone who has forgotten that. life nowadays is all about trying to have fun and trying to enjoy myself and trying to make some use of my life. trying trying trying. why? cos i never really do succeed for long. for those brief moments where i am really happy, its lost, quikcly engulfed by the waves of sorrow that make my sandcastle crumble.
the tide washes in and smoothes the sand again. ready for me to build another castle. ready for the waves to come and thrash the thing down. high tide never ends. i will never allow myself to regret what we had. it jus doesnt make sense. nothing has made sense since three months ago, when my world was smashed into smithereens and now im jus left to float in space.. wandering around in the vast emptiness of my heart, my body and my soul.
i long for nothing but to be truly happy. to love someone who really loves me. and for a long time, it was you, jus as it was me for you. and three months on, i love this same person still. "and now i feel, the ones i love, are fighting for my heart". was it ever a fight? did i ever fail to remind you that i was always there. did i ever fail in making it clear that we would make it together. did i never ever tell you that i loved you. did i never show it. did i ever leave when you needed me the most. did i? did i then, deserve to lose? such a bitter defeat. such a bloody bitter defeat.
kat said something today during rehearsal that struck me. i told her that she was supposed to be sad because she was leaving me and she replied that no, she was happy and joyous. i wonder. it mus really b fun leaving me. it mus be fun betraying absolutely everything we had believed in. what happened to us, love and hope when it mattered? what happened to believing and trusting in each other and that love conquers all? what happened to believing me when i said that i loved you? what happened to promising that youd love me forever too?
what happened to you?
is this the same person who loved me, as i loved you? is this the same person whom i knew for a very long time and cared about for even longer? is this the same person i fell in love with? is this the same person who said that you learnt many important lessons in love, life and friendship from me? is this the same person that pledged never to leave me by myself? is this the same person who wanted to be with me forever? is this the same person who brought me to the heavens each day?
am i the same person who died a long time ago?
what do i want to be when i grow up? happy. thats all. happy. is that too much to ask? apparently so. i guess its true what they say about people like me. looks as if ive been hit by a sack of what the fuck.i dont understand at all and i will never stop looking for the answers. if nobody should help me ill do it by myself. i may be stupid but im strong enough to will this on my own. you dont jus treat me like shit now, but its so obvious that im being singled out by you, and it jus hurts so much you know that? when i would never do that to you and i have never done anything close to that to you before, hence why would you have ever done what you did to me?
congratulations mother nature, the jokes been pretty funny but i hate being the ass all the time. i guess i always draw the shortest straw.
whee_
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team one won jgs so its really awesome.. i havent a thing tosay that hasnt been said by everyone else already so for what its worth.. congratulations guys. the team deserves the win completely and being national champs is only fitting of such a wonderful team. weve been thru so much together, all our ups and downs, and im really proud of you guys. i salute all of you, for being the best, and proving once and for all that for some, the best really is yet to be.
whee_
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