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Copyright © vy
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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
look guys STOPPIT. dont argue over this. not on my tagboard. i dont want to hear about it okay. all this just confirms what i understood earlier, that is that i shud shutthefuckup. will all of you do the same please? leave me alone. i am not complaining to any of you, i am not botherign any of you, please jus leave me alone. go dwell in your happy lives. jon, call me please.
let me do this on my own thank you very much, all of youve messed it up for me enough already. guys, this is not your fight. go away. dis is not your fight.
whee_
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everyones too busy too see the things that are going on right under their nose. they look far ahead to the horizon, and miss the things that unfold right before them. people jus get so busy.. too busy to notice. they walk all over you as though you arent there. they use you and then discard you. was that all i ever was? a convinience. is that all i am now? and when the day comes where i lose the power that i have and bearing that i hold now, will i too, be thrown away like some used pot?
you should have just pushed me when i asked you to walter.
i dont want to die alone.
whee_
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some really stupid jokes i heard from a bunch of kids on the bus:
dont cry out loud
why did the chewing gum cross the road?:
because it was stuck onto the foot of the chicken
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?:
because it was dead
why did the zombie fail its driving test?:
because he left his foot on the clutch
whats a deer with no eyes and legs?:
still no eye-deer
what do you call somebody who puts poison in your cornflakes?
cereal killer
jack: have you heard about the giant who threw up?
jill: no, wwho told you?
jack: its all over town!
kids these days come up with the silliest things ive ever heard of in my whole life. thank god i forgotten the rest of the grimace inducing 'jokes' that-
sigh.
i saw that. please. please go away. just go away. i thought i shut you out for good, but i thought wrong. just as i thought absolutely everything wrong for a very very long time. is this supposed to be a sign that no matter where i run, i cannot hide? that no matter where i flee, there is no escape? that there can be no reprieve from everything?
its all come to full circle. im right back where i started. the misery, the pain. it all seems so familiar because ive been here before. many many months ago. thanks to none other than.. you. yet, jus like it was before, in this pain and sorrow i am truly alone. there is nobody, there can be nobody, and there will be nobody.
i thought that no matter what, ill always be able to find the words to say. but eventually.. you have nothing left to speak. you just wish it was all over at last, that the life you left behind would leave you alone. but you never really get there do you? nobody really gets a clean slate. noone really gets a chance to start anew. lies. all lies.
keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
fly high and proud
and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all
i did. I ALMOST FUCKING DID. until you took it all away. until you took it all far far away. until you shattered my dreams and broke my heart and slapped my face and burnt my soul with your words. i almost had it all. we almost had it all. you ruined it. you ruined everything. you ruined it for me. you ruined it for yourself.
and now, as i sit in the dark, bathed in the light of the monitor, i know i am alone. and i watch silently, as the shadows of my past glide across the walls, taunting and mocking me, dancing across the ceiling. i can hear the laughter. i can feel your touch. i can smell your scent. i can taste your lips. i can see.. everything. and for that i am cursed.
i feel like you crucified me months ago and im still slowly dying. its not the crucifying itself tt kills you. thats why they break your legs too. so that when your lungs begin to collapse and when you cant breathe anymore.. you cant push yourself up to take those painful gasps of air. and that is how you die. slowly and eventually. alone.. or with others watching by, not doing anything.
each nail that you drive into me, a reminder of what once was. the crown of thorns upon my head woven with all the memories and held together by my tears. and as i await the inevitable, i scream, alone, in the dark. once more.
whee_
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sigh.
somethings going to turn out not quite right. i know this, yet why do i continue to do nothing? or is it because theres nothing that i can do. theres no two ways about it, and choosing between keeping dfest goin and trying nt to fail CTs is a tough one. on one hand, trying to meet objective number one will be time-consuming, yet is more likely to bear fruit than going for the latter. yet if i do disregard the second objective, the likelihood of never being able to achieve the former, as a result of being subjected to the daily tortures of SSS, is rather high.
trying nt to do badly for CTs is like a lost cause alrd.. sigh. all i do when im home is sleep or play fire emblem. if im not at home im out (obviously) and one doesnt usually study while gallavanting down orchard road or rehearsing w the dfeste kids. you know, after not doing anything much for so long, when the time comes for you to work your ass off, you just dont feel like doing anything at all. besides, studying is a lonely activity and i cant stand the solitude. and if i attempt to study in a group.. the results are likely to be that we end up playing and messing around instead. sigh.
i look at the other houses and i cant help but sigh as well. everyones jus so relaxed over here. its my fault too i guess - for not feeling the pressure much earlier and making little haste when i could have. and all of them.. theyre still kids. which is great of cos (i never want them to grow up), but sometimes.. its unsettling. other than feeling so damn bloody old and overgrown around them, you feel like an intruder into their world. you feel like you dont belong there - whichim tempted to disbelieve yet i know its probably true anyway. theyre so blissfully young.. they will not understand.
this is just personal. and im not talking about the tragedy of two years ago alone. you know what i mean. yes you who stole everything from me. i keep telling myself, not this time, not this time. yet.. at the rate we are going, there seems to be no other end in sight.
something is going to turn out not quite right.
whee_
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its amazing what 8 hours with people can do to you. you feel so much closer to them, as though youve known them for a very long time. still, they surprise you with all their quirks and nonsense. hmm. i like my cast very much. i think.. this year, even if we dont do well, we'll all leave dramafeste knowing tt weve spent a great amount of time building bonds with a group of very important people. dfeste of two years ago taught me several important lessons and i hope this year everyone learns them and more as well.
i feel.. remotely hopeful once again. right now, i dont wish for anybody else different from the group tts been assembled. we can do this, somehow. yeah.
whee_
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an excerpt from yesterdays mahjong chronicles:
zul: hu is above gong which is above pong which is above chi..
teja: no, fuck is above chi..
yam: teja, where are your priorities?!?
---
yuanchyi: chee-pussy
---
zul: hu!
russell: waitwaitwait, why do you still have two doubles?
zul: i do? oh f***!
russell: hahahah.. pay up pay up!
zul: *more expletives*
---
teja the genius sees yuanchyi and dings drinking fosters.
teja: eh dings gimme one can..
dings goes to find a can and returns.
dings: nah
teja: *constipated look* what the-
dings: you didn say what type of can so i give you this lor.
he hands teja a can of mushroom soup
---
ummm.. ill think abt it summore then ill post them here.. =]
whee_
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okay. fine. annoying. this is becoming more n more personal by the day. we are gonna bloody win this. screw off, and dont you dare take what isnt yours again. because this time im not going to allow it. its going to be a clean sweep - this time by me.
whee_
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originally this was supposed to be a happy post but i guess not.
why is everyone too busy for everyone else nowadays? whywhywhy. sigh. whatever. im not in a mood for absolutely anything right now. everythings jus so fucked up right now. tomorrow is another long and hopeless day - jus like every other day that has come and gone. my stupid handphone is fucking up also. and my com, as usual, is fucking fucked up. everythings fucked up. whatever. bye.
whee_
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at home. damn super tired. i feel like collapsing again onto my bed. heads damn heavy - very hangoverish. pretty depressed too. not many things are going right these few days. my family's flown off to bangkok already. cuddnt go cos of school andd stuff. and the UK boys are taking forever to come back as well. sigh.
im back to pplaying fire emblem for the meanwhile. nothing else tts remotely enetertaining or whatever. sigh. going out later i think. think ill have more things to talk about tonight. soo.. later then i guess.
whee_
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friday version 4.0 is done. at last. after much thinking and even more coontemplation about how the hell it shud be rewritten to make some sort of remote sense at all. yepp. and im quite annoyed at you hullettians. go check your goddamn mail. and please reply while youre at it. its really important, okay?
this is turning out to be the most frustrating thing ever. with school going on and dramafeste as well, its just bloody impossible to get anything really done. as in, script yes i guess, but def not the work part. SIGH. and so many of them are all away in UK for that eng dept trip. my i/c is there. and my other one is in town thank god but he doesnt have a hp. wth.
come guys, pull your act together - literally.
school is rlly. mad. so many things to do, so much work. argh. looks like that break ive been looking for is never going to come. i HAVE to attend rehearsals and stuff next two weeks even though i shud be staying home to mug, simply because thats when everybody's coming back from UK and stuff and everything else lah. sigh. this is rlly frustrating beyond anything.
okay. ive gotta plan the bloody months schedule. sigh. later then.
whee_
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urgh.
i jus finished draft three. what the hell am i doing wrong? or is it just that the effect is lost on me already. i keep looking at it and i still find myself very dissatisfied. theres something wrong with it. hell, theres many things wrong with it. what the hell am i doing wrong? sigh. never mind.
and about the cab rides, i pay for them. everything that i have, is paid by my hard earned money, and even if its not hard earned, its something tt im entitled to - my allowance, which isnt exactly spectacular or whatever. i still have to use it to pay for a gazillion things. and thats really jus irritating and annoying you know that. sigh. its not really my parents' fault or anything. i shud jus shut up and be satisfied being in this condition. whatever.
for passing hullettians: dramafeste begins this wednesday. check your email dudes.
whee_
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filing is such a bloody chore. i took three hours just to organise my things into subjects. and i was covered with so much dust that i took a shower after that.
today was pretty short for me.except for hadri who behaved like a retard today, washing his shoe in macdonalds, today was quite a boring day. which isnt so bad really. i came home in the early afternoon and slept. then i woke up. and i cant rlly remember what happened next but after awhile i found myself filing, then working on the script again. there's still so many things wrong with it. i dont know where to begin. sigh.
ummm.. well ive been feeling very lonely today. and very poor as well. financially. for some reason i got depressed after realising how goddamnbloodyfilthyfucking rich some of the people i know are. its just not fair. or at least, it seems like that to me. sigh. i jus feel so envious of people who lead the easy life, the convinient life, the rich and wealthy life. sigh. i.. nevermind.
got assaulted by alot of memories today for some reason. not in a good way, at least. sigh. this must stop.
whee_
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wow. standstill again.
have i ever talked about the thrill of coming close to certain death? i remember the amazing kick i got from it. several times really. i remember how it usually began. ill walk across the road, jaywalking of course. and then ill look to the left (or right) and watch the oncoming traffic. id want to walk on, but something roots me to the spot. and i stay put, jus waiting for that vehicle to come run me down. it will speed towards me, thinking that i will step out of its way. sometimes, the driver will honk, or flash his headlamps. they go blink, blink. and when it comes close enough for me to smell a messy death, i take a step back, and watch the vehicle zoom by. the thrill is amazing. it really reminds you that you're alive. and that all that youve done so far, and all that you've lived for, could be gone in an instant if you didn't take that one step back.
cool stuff.
i finished draft two of my script. am still immensely dissatisfied with it. sigh.
im feeling abit depressed now for some reason. i still cant believe four months have whizzed by us just like that. and now we're truly worlds apart. it hurts so much to let go, because then there rlly isnt anyone to dream that dream anymore. sigh. once youve been loved, you always want it back. now everyday is jus so lonely. and its not the physical lonely but the surrounded with frens type. i feel tragic.
so you sailed away, into the grey sky morning. now im here to stay. for good. sigh. good god let this be good. let this be something. let this be what i need. let this be what ive been looking for. many months ago i prayed for the very same things. and the cruelty of it all - to let it come within my grasp - and take it all away again. sigh. ]
its friday. nothing comes. nothing goes. nothing changes. it is terrible. this is friday.
whee_
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okay this is really ovedue but ive been really busy with my script and stuff. so anyway. here goes.
thanks for a really wonderful PPP!!!!!
special thanks go out to the rest of AASS, the popular club and the official sommersaulters club! we had so muh fun being complete idiots at the pool.. haha. i had a grand time, ummm, flipping around like retarded dolphins! and the chicken game! tt was so fun! and sarah seah and i are reigning champs! man theres jus so many things to say.. thanks for that huge hug elena - i nearly died - but thanks anyway.. haha. ummm.. thanks shummie for the house! its so huge, i hope i didnt look like a complete retard snapping pictures of it =p the dog was an endless source of entertainment. with amanda and reuben literally leaping and screaming about - it was such a bloody riot i tell you..
everything about the day was great! even the part where they tried to dunk me into the pool but i fell on the ledge instead. haha.. thanks everyone and ill love you guys forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
amen!
and i jus finished my script too!! special thanks go to shummie, navjote, yam and walter who have been endless sources of inspiration and entertainment through the entire ordeal. whoopee!! euphoria!! i finished my script!! nyanyananya.. okay im beginning to sound like a child. haha.
argh! i miss ppp! and aass! and everyone! argh!
okayokay ive to be in school at like 9 tmr. id better like get some sleep. cheerio and toodleydoo!
love you! and you! and you! and you! and you! *hugs and kisses*
muacks,
kwai.
whee_
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