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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
sigh.
today i sat down and looked at my common test results. i have the honour of having the whole spectrum of grades from F9 all the way to A1 (save E8). its not a good way to go especially with prelims looming around the corner. the ominous rumble of my angry, untouched schoolbooks is getting louder but the harder i try to bring myself closer to doing something about my dismal grades, the further i get from actually accomplishing anything.
its four days left to the end of dramafeste, where yet another chapter of my life closes. what will life be like then, once there are no longer any distractions left to shield my eyes from reality? what will i feel then, as i truly take the final bow? will i feel as though ive done something for my house? howabout myself? will i be happy and satisfied? will i leave dramafeste in tears as i did two years ago? will i be angry and frustrated? will i be sad?
i know for sure that im already depressed that this chapter has to end so quickly. everyday drives me nuts and everything that i have to do tires me out incredibly but its all worth it.. those brief moments of happiness and selfsatisfaction dont come in larger doses than it does during dfeste. i wont say the experience has changed my life for the better immeasurably, but it sure has made life more bearable for the most part.
but its all going to end soon. just like everything will or already has. why must the new life you struggle to build for yourself always come down in the end? love is just the wiping away of old memories and the creation of new ones.
you really dont expect the life you give to tear itself apart.
whee_
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hey. just a very quick shoutout to people id like to thank veryveryvery much.
in no particular order..
to jireh, thanks so much for all your help for dfeste, its been absolutely invaluable and priceless. thanks a lot for your time despite your unforgiving schedule, and i hope what we put up on saturday does justice to what you saw in friday. and i hope that we'll do you proud as well, even in the slightest bit. thank you so much once again for everything else outside of dfeste, i dont think i ever really did get a chance to say how much i appreciated this chance to be your friend and vice versa. thanks for everything.
to hadri, thanks for taking this time off to join us in our pursuit for the gold once again. im really sorry if ive shouted at you and stuff but its really because im absolutely stressed. thanks for consenting to act in friday, something which noone will ever forget. im very grateful that all the juniors have had the luck to meet both you and jireh in their lifetimes. thank you.
to walter, thanks for being mostly around when there was nobody else. though this experience is coming to a close, i hope that our friendship will not fade away as well. youre a wonderful junior and i hope that you eventually find that elusive happiness that youve been helping me chase as well. good luck with tennis, and interact and hullett. thanks for keeping me up and alive, and even when i seem on the verge of giving up, thanks for being the perpetual beacon of hope. i hope that ive been able to make a difference to your life as much as youve made a huge difference to me. thanks for being unmistakably you, always.
to daniel, thank you so much for always being down for rehearsals even though you didnt have a scene with us or anything. thanks for being very responsible in the duties given to you. i really appreciate everything that youve done for us and i can see that youre really growing with this dfeste experience. i hope that as a director ive been able to give as much to you as you have to the cast. thanks daniel.
to rahul, thanks for being such a riot, for doing such hilarious elizabeth impressions and all those grimace inducing jokes, especially those that revolve around our four favourite women and the pigeon =] thanks for being very commited to dfeste and giving it your all, even though sometimes i feel a strong urge to bash your head in with an engineers caliper.
to anish, thanks for enlightening me on the existence of the london academy. you and rahul are such funny people together and i hope that this dfeste experience helps you grow in time for next years season. i think you have alot of potential, jus like the rest of them, and i hope that as a director, ive been able to succeed in helping you explore that. and on a final note thanks for not flashing at us, unlike some people.
thanks navjote, for being a constant source of inspiration in more ways than one. youve always been around and your unmistakable " 'sup " greeting online is something ill miss in the time to come shud our paths never cross again. throughout this month i think weve grown much closer as friends and i must thank you for blessing me, jus like everyone else has graced my life, with your time and kindness. thanks for all that and more.
okay im tired now so ill extend the list later.. niteys.
whee_
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i never ever said your name. personal victimisation? yeah. definitely. by those who decided to spread your name around or plaster it on their blogs. not me though, so blame doesnt lie here. next time, try to think about what you do before you do it, and that includes shredding up scripts even though you demand respect for them. hypocritical dont you think? wait a minute, you dont think. whatever. its been a good week now.
and just so all of you know, its my right what i want to do during my house meeting. dont want to be there, getthefuckout. i said it already, dont approve, dont wanna be there, dont think you shud be there, fucking leave then. i dont give half a shit and nor will the rest of the house.
and obsessed with dramafeste? so its wrong to want to win now. right. youre telling this to a house capt. really makes alot of sense doesnt it. that i shud forget entirely about the purpose of of dfeste as a competition? yeah. im sure i will. whatever cedric. whatever xinrui. im trying to ask myself why im agitated but.. i dont know for sure either. sigh. whatever.
yeah im a pisser huh. screw you.
whee_
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i dislike quitters immensely and absolutely.
this is really just so annoying and rude but nevermind. its your choice, and your choice itll be. your life and its not mine to dictate. i just wish that if you were intending to pull this off you shouldnt have wasted our time in the first place. and i know youre reading this too. i feel strangely ineffective at delivering what i would like to say, to a person, directly. whats for sure though is that this is very upsetting, for everyone. well, whatever.
the scripts a-calling.
whee_
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okay so here goes.
theory of happiness:
NONE. why? cos its up to each individual. i think if happiness was a phenomena tthat could be explained, or could be theories about, there wouldnt be so many books bandying different ideas about how one should be pleased and content in the first place. the key to this whole concept is that, as with nearly all theology, there is always a counterexample to dispute it, or refute it. so really, dont bother trying to explain the intangible and lets just leave it at that.
but undeniably, of course, it is a fascinating question, how one feels happy while someone else, perhaps in a seemingly similar circumstance, is down in the dumps. the answer is simple really, that things are never almost as simple as they seem. happiness is too complicated a situation or state of existence to explain, accurately, and delineate. every emotion is like that, especially since we are humans after all. i dont think our emotions were ever meant to be explained, but rather experienced and felt. after all, actions speak louder than words.
this year i encountered a very interesting individual. okay maybe not this year. reminded me of a very distinct type of human; the kind that feeds off others. its not a matter of sharing happiness, its a matter of stealing it. these.. leeches. vampiric in nature, they derive pleasure from making others miserable. there are plenty of those people around, and hey, we have that streak within us, but i have to say with deep regret that sadly most people dont see others for who they really are.
its easy to be happy when you get what you want, and easy to be sad when you dont either. the thing is, being satisfied and content with what you've got is unimaginable for some people. its easy for those who have never experienced bliss and lost it to say that the secret to happiness is contentment and that everybody should be able to acheive it. once youve lost something far greater, how do you tell yourself that less is no worse? how about those who start with very little in the first place, what say you to them?
the blind man sleeping in the void deck: do we tell him that he should be happy because at least hes not blind and dumb and that at least he has a place to sleep even though he has to share it with cockroaches and assorted creepycrawlies?
the mother who has lost her baby to miscarriage: do we tell her that she can try another time for another baby, and that may turn out differently from this one so its okay really, cos i mean, she could be infertile, which is far worse isnt it?
the little girl who only has a teddy bear left to call family: tell her that its all going to be alright because she can still ge adoptive parents and its not so bad because shee could have lost her teddy bear as well?
the boy whos heart is broken and soul is lost: that its not the end of the world because the sun still rises and at least hes not begging on the street with one arm and a prostitute-transvestite for company?
what do we tell people who are sad? that they dont have any right to be sorrowful? just because we do not understand it? can we rank, realsitically, whose sorrow or suffering is worse? whos to say for sure? are you? am i?
the question then, is if we truly have power over how we feel? i firmly and sincerely believe no. look at it realistically, we decide our own fate, or others determine it for us. and because of the latter, life is like this. truly, if we decided our own fate, would we decide to make ourselves miserable all the time? i think not. nobody purposely makes themselves sad, its a feeling that happens, usually because of other people.
the worst you can ever feel, in my opinion, is when your sad and you cant do anything about it. has anybody ever spared a thought for the clinically depressed? these people dont have a choice sometimes. theyre stuck in it. they pop pills. it isnt easy. its something medical. the pain theses people feel is incomprehensible.. yet because of these antidepressants, they seem okay, they seem perfectly fine. what say you to them then? that they should try harder to be happy and satisfied?
sigh.
im not one to be satisfied with my pathetic existence and so are many other people. contentment, more often than not, breeds complacency, which at the end of the day, will affect us. i will not yield to being tempted to say "its alright" when i fail in something just because i have clothes on unlike the people in zimbabwe. we all have our own sadness and happiness. we all strive for something more and when u give so much to try to reach the zenith of pure joy, and when you lose, thats when true sadness comes in i believe. thats the grief that hits the hardest: loss. of any kind. and sometimes its just very difficult for us to see and judge and say that we understand because most of the time, we dont. each loss, each sadness, each happiness is unique.
if you ask me, happiness was never meant to be explained. emotions are meant to felt and appreciated and enjoyed. its the only thing that differentiates us from beast isnt it, our ability to think and our capacity to feel. and we all feel. just that we have different ways to get there, and some.. get lost along the way.
whee_
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sigh. i regret it. really i do. i shudnt have said anything. now.. sigh. everythings jus so different. where are you now, now that i need you? to keep me from falling again, to keep me from tripping and messing up once more.
fuck this. now im getting scolded because of the electric bill. yeah tell me, whose bill isnt at least 200. bullfuckcrap.
whee_
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i think i trust too much in the things i believe in. i feel like such a complete fool, putting myself on the line again, without my guard up. all because.. all because i had some sort of strange hope. some hope that deliverance had come at last. i really really believed it. but as things have turned out over and over again these past few mths, my belief was just some false sense of security.
i never ever seem to learn. i shudve closed the door a long time ago. this world cares not if hope survives. sigh. screw it. i have nothing else to say except that i feel like a stupid fool. like a complete retard who never learns. this life just wasnt meant for me.
to think that i cud be dead right now. id like to believe that my body fought back for a reason. but i dont know why.
whee_
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It's been five months since you went away
Left without a word and nothing to say
When I was the one who gave you my heart and soul
But it wasn't good enough for you, no
So I asked God
God send me an angel
From the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes
And I know it might sound crazy
But after all that I still love you
You wanna come back in my life
But now there is something I have to do
I have to tell the one that I once adored
That they can't have my love no more
Cause my heart can't take no more lies
And my eyes are all out of cries
God send me an angel
From the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes
Now you had me on my knees
Begging God please to send you back to me
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep
You made me feel like I could not breathe
Now all I wanted to do was to feel your touch
And give you all my love
But you took my love for granted
Want my lovin' now
But you can't have it
oh God
God send me an angel
From the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes
its been five months exactly. in less than two hours.
whee_
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