Friday, August 27, 2004

you choose to be alone my friend, you choose to be alone.

you shut out the people who care about you. you ignore those who are truly concerned. you disregard your friends who you should treasure. you deny people the right of friendship and respect. you leave me out in the cold where you know i cannot survive. and for all that, it is impossible to pull away. i do not know why but it is just that way with you and me.

ive said it so many times before, appealing and begging and asking once more, yet it never really gets to you does it? nothing ever strikes you. then again, it could very well mean that it's just me. you hurt me and you know it, and the worst thing is you act as though everything is alright once again each time a new day begins.

you say that you care but you dont show it; do you really expect me to believe that so easily? i sincerely hope not. you have to learn the meaning of treasuring the people who come to pass in your life, and i hope that it happens soon. maybe when you stop taking all this for granted just because it has been there, you'll begin to realise that there are many amends to make and many apologies to deliver.

i never really gave my approval for your being a prefect, if you recall. i used the word "pragmatic" to describe the decision, and with good reason. i knew and understood fully, that firstly, even if i had advised you against it, you would not have listened to me anyway. and secondly, and perhaps more importantly, i realised that you just wanted more than your hands to carry. im not sure what you want to take away from your stay here, but i hope youve got it sorted out in your head. when it all begins to slip away, like i had to experience myself, i hope you begin to hold on more tightly to what you have here and now.

people have given their all to you. sometimes i think youve got to sit back, reflect and understand that fully. the impact of the sacrifices and decisions made with you in mind has definitely never been realised. maybe one day.. it will. taking people for granted is the worst sin that can ever be commited. in the end, you serve to only hurt yourself.

when you look around you and find that those people who truly matter are gone, you will know that i am right. you will know that i was always right.

whee_

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Thursday, August 26, 2004

this tires me out. people never forgive and forget. ruined, it is all ruined. it is gone.

whee_

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Monday, August 23, 2004

and for everything, i am sorry.

whee_

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Sunday, August 22, 2004

i am decidedly unhappy today.

it started off on a bad note, just like how i think it will probably end on this awful note as well. i never had so much time to blog at night before. never thought id be so free to say what i wanted in whatever manner i choose, and in the end find that i have nothing to say. actually.. i do. just that its very personal, so whats the point of putting what i want to say here. information, as it always does, gets lost before it reaches its destination. reminds me a little of that game - broken telephone.

ah. sigh. so.. where is it we go from here? im not sure either. i devote some time everyday to think about that and i havent arrived at anything that even resembles a conclusion. maybe cos im not thinking enough. or maybe cos its too much thinking thats too be done by one person. or maybe were just not supposed to know. a few hours to sunrise, it feels nice to know that no matter if you die or not, time will continue. the sun will still show its face and the light in the night will retire. and then they switch places. nothing really stops.

each passing day brings us a step closer to the end. why is it that we say "there is tomorrow" to comfort people, when it is merely something that should serve to frighten. if i were to die tomorrow, i know ill have too many regrets. little things i should have said and done.. big things even. there is not enough time to do everything i wish i could do. sometimes i know i wish i could grow up quickly, yet at other times i just wish id never grow at all. okay, that was very convoluted. whatever.

im in a confused state myself. as i always am, at this time of the night when theres barely a soul to talk to. to really talk to. sigh. maybe ill just go and try to sleep. sometimes that works. and in a few hours it will be time for school again. whatever it is, i must not go tonight. ive unfinished business, so, if youre listening up there, give me some time.

i think suicide is interesting because it allows you to end your life on your own terms. with such a big and important choice in our hands, it is no wonder that so many of us fail to make a proper one. somehow, no matter what, id prefer not to know if i was going to die. to know that the sun will rise again and yet you will not see it is something i know im not ready for.

where are you now that i need you? sigh.

whee_

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

i miss the old life, the times when all i had on my mind was what i was going to give for an excuse for not doing my homework, where the shopping that i needed to do by friday was all that occupied and and whence half of my time was spent in the cinema. there isnt much to do now. its all about waiting. when you know the end is near, you cant help but count down as well, and as you try to bury the knowledge that its really coming, you cant help but feel that somethings going awfully wrong.

will this be what i remember when i look back? the bad times or the good? the hard times or the easy ones? will it be the laughter or the tears? do we choose our memories? why cant we choose what we dream? why cant choose what we can wake up to? why is your fate always intertwined with the fate of another who couldnt care less? why are we who we are.

i wonder where we go after we die. is there really a heaven up there? is heaven really a place on earth. is this life the hell that we leave after we die? is this really a test? did i have a past life? why dont i remember it? did i choose not to remember it? will i be reincarnated? will i just rot six feet under? hmmm.

children are evil people. underneath all the innocence there lies scheming minds and steely hearts. i think its good not to be in power sometimes. once youre not of official use to everyone, you eventually find out who your real pals are. its when people cant really make use of you that you realise that you were never really of any use after all. and all you ever wanted was approval, something that made things a little easier, some sort of reassurance that you are valued by those around you, and most importantly, by those whom you value most. but thats never really the case isnt it.

keeping yourself busy gives you a false sense of self-importance that begins to manifest itself, perhaps dangerously, and aggregate. sometimes a lie is told so many times that it becomes believable, that it becomes the truth. history is after all a selection of facts, and sometimes you have to wonder, can you select your past? is there some way that you can lie to yourself over and over again so that it convinces even you? sometimes there is nothing to believe but in the lies that you weave for yourself. this web, this is the safety net. it protects you. it is your cocoon. this is where you grow your wings. and when youre strong enough, you break from that web and fly.

but is it also the web where you lie waiting in terror for your predator, the one whose web you have trespassed onto? knowing that the end is coming, approaching fast, trying to break from the lies is futile, there is no way out, there is no escape, there is nothing but death. and thats the most peaceful that youll ever be, in the state of realisation that there is no use struggling. there is no longer the ennui, there is only calm.

i feel.. like im in some liminal state between the waking world and dream land. im not sure where i am. i halfwish this was a dream that i could wake up from but.. i know only too well that sometimes its the waking up that hurts even more. so i just be quite content right where i am, awake or otherwise, conscious or not. its quite indubitable really. everything. im not sure why i said that. lately ive been feeling the strong need to state facts to reaffirm what they are. sometimes, we humans forget only too well.

the human will is a powerful thing. it created religion for one. something so strong that people all around the world are connected by it. people need something to believe in, people need hope. this is where they find it. how would you feel if you knew that all that was going to happen to you after you die was that youre going to decompose? what of your loved ones? wouldnt it be nice for them to feel that youre somewhere safe and happy? religion was borne out of the need for security and affirmation. it was borne out of this genuine human need to feel loved, despite anything and everything. without religion where would we be?

maybe thats why its called faith. and thats something so many people have lost along their way. could it be because they had brought it upon themselves? did they? could they have done anything? i feel sorry for those that think religion can solve everything. i still firmly believe that thinking logically could. i feel sorry for those who believe that happiness is a choice. i pity those that understand sorrow to be something that can be expressed every time, all the time. i think.. that there are somethings in this life that just arent meant to be shared, because they cannot be. perhaps.. no, i dont think so.

if life is just a test by the big man up there, what happens to those who get a1s and those who get f9s? do we really know? whats the irrefutable proof? i think this life has gone on for too long without having something thats solid to fall back on, without something more than just a whisper of this thing they call hope. hmm. im getting quite tired. this is one of those long days. but days, like nights, like everything, come to an end.

whee_

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Sunday, August 15, 2004

hmm. seems similar to the test last year.

whee_

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Saturday, August 14, 2004

its strange isnt it? i hate it when im judged, and even moreso when others are, more often than not, by others. i dont think we are fit or qualified to attempt to quantify peoples good and bad deeds and evaluate if their live have been meaningful. i mean, puh-lease, dont come and contradict yourself here by saying that we shouldnt treat mlz that way and all because we should love each other and all that jazz, and there you go saying that oh, james has changed and hes become some horrifying creature. riiiggght.

im not very good at quoting from the bible, understandably since im hardly christian nor any other religions, which makes this a perfectly unbiased commentary from perhaps, a more grounded and less ethereal point of view, but i recall some verse about being judged hereafter by the scale that you use to judge others. oh yes: matt 7:1-2 - "do not judge, or you too will be judged. for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you".

ah yes. please dont judge some and dont bother to judge others, and whats worse, make some sort of big fuss about it. let me reiterate that i have nothing against any of you as people or christianity as a religion, but i do have something against painting my friends out to be something gross and hideous, mistakes of christianity and whatnot which i think is extremely unfair. what intrigues me is that everybody seems to be so ready to jump on the bandwagon, so ready to believe that their friends are bastards. does nobody have anything good to say anymore about people theyve grown up with? people like james? or yam? or any of us in the first place?

but this isnt about me, about us. this is about something far bigger. and please excuse the pun that is completely unintended. i really think that the argument about religion is lame. please stop the religious blackmail, just because its the only bullet left in your arsenal. i mean, really, grow up, and while youre at that grow a brain too. i repeat that i dont intend to offend people like leehu and all because i completely understand your various agendas in, well, being a christian. what id like to remind all of you is that this does not constitute christianity, not in the least bit.

what am i talking about exactly? its the judging. its everything. how i wish sometimes that people would just open their eyes and snap out of whatever viewpoint they have right now and look from the eyes of another. and that sometimes means not letting yourself getting distracted by religion, which until today, unless disproved, remains as something with plenty of strings attached. its all so naive sometimes. i feel like a child listening to all the talk. this world is far darker than most of us really realise. or so it seems. but more of that later.

let me pose a question. there is this logical fallacy called tu quoc, which states that the accuser has no right to point a finger (or more) at anyone because he himself is guilty of the same offence he claims is being done by another. hence, because everybody is guilty, and everyone is wrong, it all boils down, empirically, to the same thing. that right to stand up and say that another is wrong is immediately abrogated. so, lets all take a step back and think about how some of you treat joey. why is it okay to abuse him while it isnt alright at all to "abuse" mlz?

so its okay to push him into a table then the following morning overturn his table and say that it was all his fault in the first place? so its okay to call him names and laugh at him while it isnt in the case of mlz? let me ask, what makes the two of them so different that they deserve completely different treatment. id like to throw this question back at yabbie (was it him?) who asked yam "why are you suddenly so nice to joey?". why the different treatment towards mlz now? why are we allowed to misuse joey and not mlz? has anyone even bothered to think about that? joey isnt the one who's even created half this amount of trouble and nonsense.

look, everybody has a right to treat anyone their own way, just dont take it to a point where people comment on what others do. after all, it is their right after all, and thats that. i think at the very least, we should try to respect that, and try not to force our views upon people who wont accept them. believe me you, those very people that seem "lost" or whatever are the people who are very sure of what theyre doing most of the time. sometimes its just about being practical, and about doing whats pragmatic. im sorry if this sounds rude but, i think its got alot to do with karl marx' saying that religion is the opiate of the masses. nobody ever commits more wrong with more fervour and conviction than when its in the name of their faith.

will it sound rude if i say that this sort of thing borders on religous terrorism as well? faith is used as a weapon, especially now in this sort of situation where people are in opposite corners, hostile. its not nice at all. its not doing justice to anyone or anybody. id like to apologise once again if this post is offensive but i must say that sometimes people hold too much to things like the bible. actually, most of the time it is the bible. everything i ask, if i question something, in fact if anybody does, then itll be a quote from the bible that is brandished. look, ive no problem with quoting from books and stuff, but youve got to leave some space for some common logical sense as well. you catch my drift. i mean, its so nazi.

its so odd. to see friends arguing over something like this. id never thought that it would go this far. but it did. id just like to say once more that we should leave people who dont want our "help" alone, and that theyre life is theirs and they should be allowed to live it out as they please. if gods perfect plan truly exists, then everything will resolve itself eventually. and believe me, if youve tried, i dont think god will fault you for one of His sons straying away. just leave them be okay? enough is enough. i think we know where the line should be drawn, and lets just draw it. everyone makes mistakes. let this not be ours.

im going to continue this tomorrow night. im tired.

whee_

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Friday, August 13, 2004

this sucks. alot. my parents have adopted this curious habit of pulling the plug of the wireless router, and thus cutting the network coverage in my house, and simultaneously prevent me from using the net. prevent anyone actually. its very depressing and irritating, to say the least, especially on a friday night, when everybody goes online just about now. but i guess its all for the better. ive reached this point where there are lots of convo windows open, but nothing flashing orange. its just so tiring to speak sometimes - esp when you dont get a proper reply. sigh.

on a recent blog-hopping trip i realised that many people actually do type in relatively good english on their blog. and some, even in pretentious english. ive always maintained that your ability and mastery of the english language has nothing to do with your use of big words that nobody understands, or complex sentence structures that dont even make syntactical sense. i hardly think that the use of previously unheard of lexicon makes your blog any better a read. its rather irritating rather. people complicate what theyre trying to say just so that it will seem convoluted for the sake of sounding convoluted. right on, boy.

anyway, there really hasnt been time for regular updates. everyday's extremely busy and even if isnt, it somehow ends up that way. everyones busy. too busy actually. sometimes too busy for other people. which is the worst thing pretty obviously. the prelims are really looming round the corner, and its really getting to people. hmmm. sigh. nevermind. im quite tired too. i just want to rest my head down and sleep. sigh. somehow i dont foresee that happening anytime soon anyway.

whee_

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

good evening.

ive read some stuff on people's blogs and its really highly annoying. we are being polarised over some entirely minor issue. the issue in itself isnt minor per se, just that the extent that it is being blown up to is really ridiculous. we should have just left it alone and save everyone the trouble and the annoyance. cos its really really beginning to eat me currently, and i sure as hell do not like it.

let me begin.

ive had enough of all these ad hominem attacks on my friends. its not fair in the least bit, and im extremely agitated. ive had enough of this religion nonsense, not because religion in itself is ridiculous or whatnot but the way its being used by you triggerhappy people is really bewildering.

okay wtf. i think ill blog about tmr night. my head hurts. fcuked up.

whee_

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Friday, August 06, 2004

at night I pray
that soon your face
will fade away.

sigh.

whee_

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i dont have a bathtub like britney. lucky bitch.

though what she does is technically impossible unless the bathtubs really deep and you can weigh your neck down with bricks or something. or maybe the tub ahs a lid. or maybe she throws some electrical appliance in and flips the switch.

whee_

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Monday, August 02, 2004

and so we won.

and so the chapter closes.

the show is over, say goodbye.

take a bow.

ive nothing left to say that will be of any use to myself or anybody else, therefore, goodbye.

whee_

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