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Copyright © vy
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Wednesday, September 29, 2004
im so tired. it hurts. it just hurts so much. why did you ever have to come into my life. why was i ever so stupid and silly. why do i persist in being stupid and silly. why do i, as usual, have no answers tonight.
every night i yearn to come online, but when i am, i dont feel any different. i always think that i can blog about it and feel better afterward but when i actually get down to it, i dont feel anything. whats the point of blogging, when words can only say so much.
your words tell me so many things. the lack of them, reveals to me far more.
whee_
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again, too busy for me. thanks alot. i really mean thanks alot. that really hurt. doesnt it ever get to you?
sigh youre back again. you pulled out of my life so quickly so violently, cant it just stay that way so that it doesnt hurt? just so that i never have to hear about you, or see you or whatever at all. i dont like to. yet it still happens anyway. so whats the point really. sigh. whatever lah.
as long as the stars shine down from the heavens
as long as the rivers flow to the sea
ill never get over you, getting over me.
we have unfinished business.
whee_
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but its not so bad.
youre only the best i ever had.
don't want me back.
your only the best i ever had.
whee_
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i just remembered how i cried when i could not finish the geog paper last year. it just came to mind how i was not really upset when i failed social studies. i just recalled the way i hated myself for not doing well enough for literature.
so meaningless, its all so meaningless.
the way i laughed at all the jokes about joey, i remember that too. the nights at the hyatt are coming back to mind as well. those days that we spent in each others company, not listening during lessons, not completing our homework, getting into all sorts of trouble together. everything.
but what use is all of that now.
jack died last night. it was sad. i was sad. everything was sad. i need some r.e.m. sleep now.
you'll be sorry one day, one day ill never get to see.
whee_
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its not fair you know? sometimes you give and give just hoping for sometthing in return. but its not possible. the ones we care about the most, and give the most to, are usually the ones who hurt us the most. its sad when they dont even know that theyre hurting you, but even worse when they do. and the worst thing is, you cant bring yourself to stop, even with full knowledge that giving so much wont get you anywhere. sometimes you just care too much - and usually its for all the wrong things and the wrong people.
yet its so hard to tell yourself, dont. no matter how badly it hurts, its tough to tell yourself to stop giving that person a chance to care. and worse still.. that usually doesnt happen. but by then youre usually caught in the whole mess already, too far gone where its tough to pull out of. it hurts to stay, and it hurts to go. what then? no matter how much you tell yourself that its okay, that you cant expect everyone to care just as much as you do, a part of you still desires that sort of affection - everyone wants to feel needed and wanted and cared for.
sometimes.. sometimes its just not possible.
whee_
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my phone beeped and my heart jumped. and it stopped. almost. it was you, making another intrusive advance into my life. i saw your name flashing on the panel of my lcd screen, very clearly, and very obviously. the one thing im glad i was almost able to do was not to look and just delete it. what of the sms anyway? it could not have had anything important to me, nothing that i'd value anyway. it will always be written in that brusque, business-like manner of yours. as though this was always the way things were, that we were nothing more than people in the same business, that we had never had the benefit (or disbenefit) of something more.
but i could not resist, anyway, and had to look. i read through it very quickly; it was just as i had expected. and i deleted it. part of me was urging me to reply, to submit myself to this once more, to let myself want as reply in return, just for the sake of contact, to keep me in your mind, but i realised that it would be of no use, no consequence. there lies little meaning in communication that is so one dimensional, something that i have been become used to, with you. please, dont ever come back and spoil everything now. at least, dont return if there isnt more to what you want to say to me than all this nonsense.
last night, it hit me that the only one that we would have for life, is ourselves. i only have me, because i cant and wont leave me alone. this is who ive to turn to. myself. i hope it isnt to late to put this realisation to any good use now.
whee_
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hey. a few more papers to go. then itll all be over. it will all be over at last.
whee_
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the worst way to miss someone is to be right beside them and knowing that you can never have them.
whee_
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just go away and get out of my life. get out. get out. please get out. stay far far away from me please. today was hell. i hate you hate you hate you. go away. i. hate. you. STAY AWAY FROM ME. please.. im begging you. stay away from me. just leave. now. go. walk out the door. get out. now. now. i cant stand it anymore. the comparisons. the feelings on insecurity. the dependancy. its such a sickening cycle and ive lived through that before and now ive to live thru it again. no way. no fucking way. please.. leave me alone. its how it was meant to be. how it was always meant to be. just leave me alone. leave me alone.
it hurts you know that. i feel like some stupidd puppy that got knocked down on the road and i keep getting up and getting hit by the cars over and over again. what the hell is your problem. ive said it clearly, discreetly, hinted about it, alluded to it, what, you want me to slap it into you. fuck lah. screw this. screw you. screw all of you. fairweathered fuckfaces. you'll be sorry. ill make you sorry. ill make all of you sorry. ill think of something. ill make you leave. ill make you regret it. you watch out.
whee_
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sigh. i am sad tonight because i have been reminded of something which i have been trying very hard to bury and forget about for an extremely long time. im sorry to say that i miss the feeling. and trying to find that is what ive been doing for so long - which probably explains the relative state of religious fervour that i seem to be in all of a sudden. the idea that there is someone up there who loves you no matter what is quite pleasant, and those who fully and completely immerse themselves in such a belief, these are the people who i am so envious of.
and tonight i was reminded of the fact that once, this whole thing wasnt as inaccessible as it is now, that once i was part of this system, that once i had this love too. not so much of that between man and Creator but something less ethereal and more worldy. something that we are supposed to be able to relate to. until now im not sure why what happened actually transpired in the first place, but one things for sure: it is when i think that im over you that i actually realise that i am not.
and as you blog-hop tonight or the day after or the following week after you will come across this and feel whatever it is that you feel when you think about this. tonight i will sleep feeling alone again with only memories for company. what memories did you choose to take along with you?
psalms is beautiful.
whee_
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is this all that im getting for working so hard? screw all of you. most of you, anyway. ill talk about this later, after im outta this place. pissoffman. just piss the hell off.
whee_
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