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Copyright © vy
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Sunday, October 31, 2004
what in the-?
whee_
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okay i just felt like saying something or other to keep this thing alive. so..
"saying something or other to keep this thing alive"
okay whatever. o's coming. must study. cannot lose $200 to jireh.
whee_
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fuck i had a damn long post which i had thought damn hard about and taken one hour of solid typing to type and i lost it cos blogger fucking screwd up. fuck im damn pissed. fuck lah i feel like crying. fuck blogger. screw it.
whee_
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"originally we wanted 8 non-pb guys but we could only find 2 capable ones".
well screw you. and i really mean it. screw it man. this is the worst feeling in the world. well, one of the worst. you dont know how much i hate you all for making me feel this way. whatever happened during chem prac today was very interesting. i hope it happens again and again and again. i know its wrong to hate, but this is just so irritating, i cant stand it. sighs. i know its wrong to wish failure upon others but this comes from me: i wish nothing but disappointment unto you.
that comment was just utterly rude, incredulous and completely baseless. im just so angry. so absolutely angry. esp since its a feeling that i cant shake off. not with ease and not with difficulty either. its just not fair you know? sigh. okay. no. this is wrong. very wrong. sigh. i take everything back. this is so screwed up. this is wrong. just that im not in the mood for forgiving. sigh. yet the other roads not very promising either. gah.
and you know whats the worst thing? nothings going to change in rj. everythings just going to be the same. and thats the one reason why id like to go rj. because i have unfinished business. scores to settle once and for all. battles to fight and wars to win. struggles where ive to emerge triumphant. and im not going to let everything that has happened the way it has in ri unfold in rj in a similarly horrifying fashion as well. not a chance in hell. even if i fail, which is very likely, i.. no. i cant fail. not since its my last chance.
this is so very pathetic and hardly noble at all. but its all ive got to work for now, and for that, im glad that i still have something to drive me, and hopefully pull me through this shit as well; the thoughts that giving up will be giving up once and for all on everything that ive been trying to do for the past few years. sigh. this is so sad. i dont know why im acting this way either.
i jus hate it when everything i do gets thrown back at my face. that has happened too many times this year. please let it stop. ill make it stop. somehow.
whee_
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sigh.
why do i always end up being second to you? its irritating. because i know i deserve so much more. sigh. come on man. i really hate this lah. am i just always not good enough that i dont deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as all of you people? it kinda hurts to know that you people dont even think of me when it comes to all these things. sigh. what a spoiler to my night. ive always considered myself completely capable of whatever you guys can do, and yet.. i realise that theres nothing to support that feeling.
somehow.. people just think that im incapable, illdisciplined and undeserving, at least as compared to the other leaders in school. why is it so hard to be noticed doing anything right? its not as if i didnt work just as hard to get to where i am today. and at the end of everything i feel just as inadequate, because nobody seems to notice that. nobody seems to want to acknowledge that. i know i know.. jus like navjote agreed, you just shouldnt go looking for approval from the wrong places.
but i just cant help it you know.. sometimes you just need to validate yourself in the eyes of the people you hold in the highest regard and respect the most. who somehow just dont seem to respect you as much nor consider yourself valuable. and i hate feeling second class. i think - whats he got that i dont? and its not something that i like thinking about at all. esp since most of these people are my friends. im not sure what i havent done to a make me a valued member of this community.
when i leave, what will i leave behind? probably a bunch of angry memories about how i could never be as good as anyone in so many things. that i was never the best at anything. that i was never outstanding in any way. that all in all.. no matter how hard i tried to work for it, i could never be a distinguished character who was never forgotten, nor will ever be.
mr mag said, how can anyone forget azizul? i think thats easy to answer. and for that.. i am saddened tonight.
whee_
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thanks. it really meant alot to me. it did.
whee_
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i remember when we had fun.
i will never forget that right now, i am not.
nothings changed but you.
whee_
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what has become of you?
sigh. ive got to stop slipping into these dreams about you. its surprising how i can still find myself thinking about you at the worst of times. i just shut off from whatever im doing and lay completely still, unblinking, as my life and memories play out before me. then when the reel stops, i realise what had just happened. and i shut my eyes and tell myself its okay. it will always be alright, i will always manage somehow.
i make believe that you are here
it's the only way I see clear
what have I done
you seem to move on easy.
but lately everythings just been so confusing. why are so many people changing? people that ive grown close to pulling away so much and so fast. this is all too fast. why am i forced to cope with yet another loss, or worse, series of losses. sigh. why dont you talk to me anymore? why do you hide so many things, why do you keep evading and running away? why is it that this seems to mean nothing anymore? why do you seem to be so selfish?
im sorry if i wasnt born half as gifted in every way like you have. maybe in that failed capacity i do deserve to be treated in this manner. if thats the case then you should tell it to me, right to the face. i hate feeling like this - hanging on by a thread not knowing what i can do or what i can feel. ive opened up in every way possible to you and still you refuse to acknowledge that i deserve better than this.
everyone has such opinions of you, you know that? ive only ever spoken highly about you to everyone. and this? this just hurts alot. for everything, this just bloody pricks me everywhere. and i thought.. nevermind what i thought. itt seems it was never important to begin with in the first place. did you ever really care or bother? sigh. what am doing. im not very sure myself. ive got to go. bye.
whee_
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sigh. it doesnt really make much of a difference does it? i cant fathom how this is in any way a friendship of sorts. it just doesnt make sense. ive taken a fancy to thinking that perhaps, this is all a test of resolve, that soon ill get to find out just what ive been fighting for. but i guess not. or at least, not anytime soon. i wish i could give the world to you, to be everything all of you would ever need.. but its painfully obvious that i can never be all of that to anybody. im just getting desperate in trying to feel needed and wanted.
at this juncture in life one has got to wonder where the tide will lead you this time. its barely two weeks till the end of school life here in ri and im trying to figure out what have i left behind that its worth remembering and what else should i take along to wherever i go next. all the memories, or at least most of them, seem so sour now for some reason. am i supposed to feel proud of something? im not sure either.
i do this every night. wait. i know what im waiting for and yet i also realise completely that what im waiting for will probably never come. but its worth it. gives something nice to hope for. makes life a little bit more bearable. -shrug- actually.. does it? i also wonder.
this random babbling is done. ive gotta get some studying done now. any more dismal and my results will befit the dustbin.
whee_
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you couldve at least said goodnight. sigh.
whee_
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