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Saturday, January 29, 2005
i promised myself that i would blog since i havent written anything useful in any sense of the word in a particularly long time. anyway i wanted to question what being in rjc was all about. after four years being in relative control of my life, im beginning to get irritated with how so many things are beyond me right now. alright, perhaps four years wa an exaggeration - two years would be more appropriate. thats still long enough to get used to the fact that theres alot of things that are within my power to do should i choose to do them or not. right now i feel at the mercy of everything else. with all the auditions, interviews, everything. its not particularly thrilling at all honestly.
and another thing. ive come to realised how elitist so many of the ccas in rj are. then again this probably applies everywhere, which doesnt make it okay, really. i think it occurs moreso for sports. but then again - who can really blame them right. there is a responsibility to pick the best people to represent the school in that particular sport. i do, however, feel that it is highly presumptious to set up a cca and segregate the people who have been in that particular cca before, from the people who are new to the thing. it hinges on a very shaky assumption that the former will always be better than the latter, therefore deserve more attention.
okay - ive done my part for blogging semi-meaningfully.
whee_
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what a weird past few days this has been. so many things have happened.. i dont know where to begin. hence i shant. i guess it all boils down to one thing for me.. and that is the fact that tonight i have found some sort of consolation, and some solace for the evening. you do care after all. and tonight, i begin to see.
whee_
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im very pissed with my parents. i want my sundays free. i dont want to spend my sundays trudging unwillingly to some weird place jus to while away precious time. i want my personal time. i want to be able to have some time to rest and take a break. i want to be able to do what i want, when i want. i want out.
whee_
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i feel guilty for not posting. but ive nothing to say, honestly. its just very tiring, that's all. i guess ive nothing left to add.
whee_
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i went for gym clinic today!
it was very fun! really. i mean, falling flat on your face once or twice notwithstanding, it was really quite an experience. i was obviously intending to just be the supportive audience but jenhan successful coerced me into participating eventually, and it actually was kinda cool. we did a variety of things but the most interesting has Got to be the mini tramp. now i jus have to work out how to land properly from a front somer. landing on your ass is neither pretty nor painless. in fact, im starting to ache a little now - must be a result of sudden phyical activity after a long sedentary period. and it was ver fun! but yeah i guess i mentioned that already.
anyway, the next clinics on thurs at 4-6pm again at the amphi/concourse, so be sure to be there. then again, the number today was comfortable cos the lesser people, the more time you get to spend practising and stuff. well apparently theres plans to set up recreational gym, so i guess everyones hoping for an encouraging turn out that will make rec gym come to life worthwhile.
i went back to ri today, in my acsian attire, much to the surprise of everyone. and i brought some of the sec2s over to rj. theyve really grown so much and its so cool cos theyre nearly all taller than i am now. but that obviously doesnt make me feel much better - but yeah - i feel very guilty cos i dont remember some of their faces and i can only recall a few of their names. anyway i learnt that i look less wrong as an acsian as opposed to cat high-ian (is that a real word?). now i dont have uniform for tomorrow. sadly. but its alright.
tomorrow is cca feste - which means i have to more or less decide pretty soon. id hate to end up doing what most people will i.e. sign up for a bazillion things and end up quitting them / getting kicked outta them one by one. not exactly the most glamorous thing to do, nor is it the smartest, seeing how there will probably be much wasted time involved in the whole arrangement.
i must confess that i fell asleep during some stuff today - the lunch slot periods are really taking a toll on me. and i fell asleep during lit - taking advantage of the fact that it was a lecture first thing in the morning, so sleeping might be a good thing to do. anyway, we didnt do much, as with all the lessons, so id say that these few weeks are a brilliant time to nap in class if anything.
dfeste rehearsal was pretty fun; liberating, if anything. and it shall stay at that. haha.
you know what - i think i had quite a good day today. it was nice. yepp. it really was.
whee_
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today had been quite a waste of time, discounting the fact that ive made more headway in econs. ive yet to actually pay a second glance at the geog stuff, although i know i should since theres geog lec tomorrow. speaking of which, i probably havent complained about how geog lec comprises 11 people sitting in the com lab listening to the lecturer. that inevitably means that you cant exactly pon teh lec, even though whatever is being done may be something you already know / are not in the least bit interested in. oh how i regret taking geog now! okay, actually i dont, especially after hearing rave reviews about e.dmund kwok and his lectures.
tomorrow is the start of the proper timetable, and i must remark that i end at a ridiculous time of 4pm on monday, tuesday and thursday. i end at noon on wednesday and friday and since wednesday is officially cca day, and friday is most likely to be PW day, it works out to being the same thing everyday. of course, when i actually look back, i never was back before sunset in ri anyway (towards the latter part of my life there especially), so it doesnt seem to tragic. however, i also realised a few things. firstly, i wasnt exactly studying during the late hours that i was in school, and even if i WAS, it was at my own pace. no lecs or tutorials if i couldnt pay adequate attention or jus simply didnt feel like it. which, in a nutshell, is what i have to endure from now on even if i really want to sleep. secondly, if i didnt feel like staying back and felt like gallavanting, which would amountto me coming home late anyway, i could do so as and when i liked (theoreticaly). now, i can only start gallavanting at 4+. and that, frankly, annoys me. but nevermind.
ummm. okay. im not sure what other random things i can spout right now. oh i know! i need ID. like, legal ID. the lack of which resulted in me reaching home by midnight yesterday, while everyone else, well almost, had a grand time at rouge. im also randomnly pissed at people who are perpetually busy! okay, its not pissed. i think ive outgrown that phase already. i think im just very much into thinking now, and wondering how the psyche of these characters function. i suppose its unfair to question why some people are so busy all the time, such that it affects other people. but i guess im just another opportunity cost thats lost, and that will be that. it makes me wonder as well, do i do this sort of thing to other people? it alarms me slightly that i could very well be guilty of the same sin im admonishing people of. i sincerely hope im not, because that would be bad. i mean.. i know how it feels to be ignored, espcially for work. and so does everyone else, im sure. and it kinda feels like shit.
on that note, i think i should go and try to sleep or something. im not getting any satisfaction out of chatting to anybody tonight, and it has only put me in a bad mood, further enhanced by the fact that the uselessness of blogging is increasingly apparent. i read my diary entries last year, from this little book i kept and doodled in whenever i felt like bursting unless i said something. i could see how angry i was at everything, how i kept demanding and insisting that i should have all the answers to all my questions, and how i was frustrated by a situation which i saw as unfair. i understand now that it wasnt all that futile. i never felt any better than after writing, but in retrospect i comprehend that the true value of what i wrote lay in the fact that i could revisit my feelings anytime i wished. this of course, has been a very useful thing to do, just to see how i shoulod not feel and how i should not behave. id like to believe that emotions are something you outgrow - which might just be true seeing how as a baby we cry at just about anything and as we get older, we just dont bother anymore. but is that really so good? i wonder.
anyway, very randomly, i just wanna note that i feel like i dont belong anywhere in rj. thankfully of course, hongyue has kindly reminded me that its probably because at this point in time were all in this stage of limbo, of neither here or there-ness, since we have no cca, just about no (relevant) homework, and no house, and no everything else that has come to embody life in ri. half the time now i wonder what im doing and where im going.
but aha! i know the answer to this one. next week.. im going..
to buy new shoes.
whee_
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HI PHILBERT!!!
instead of going to hwach with the rest of my classmates, i was doing the antisocial thing and decided to go for bio lec with the S03s again. it was rather amusing because the lecturer was genuinely making an effort to be interesting while i had shang sitting on my right taking a wonderful nap, and the rest of the bio tutors were sitting right behind us, since we were in the very last row. they left shang alone, and i was sitting pretty reading sloman too. they did some stuff of hydrogen bonding and all and i was almost regretting coming for the lec because i actually found some parts of it interesting, and it almost compelled me to peel my eyes off indifference analysis to look at the screen. i think it sucks to like all these sciency things and be in humans. thank god i cant crash anymore of those lecs so i wont feel any twinge of regret from next week onwards. well, hopefully.
the next lec was econs in LT1 with j.eanne lim. it was rather funny, and for all the wrong reasons. you know, at least shes nice, even if she isnt the best lecturer in the world. she could be far worse.. like incompetent and bitchy. that would be apocalyptical. anyway she was making several jokes, some of which were mildly funny but she was laughing at them as though they were really hilarious. it was quite pathetically sad in some strange way, and i felt quite sorry for her during the second half of the lec, by which half the attendees decided that pretending to be attentive wasnt worth their trouble.
eventually she asked a question revolving around he issue of why scarcity was still a presentday problem even though the production of goods has increased throughout the years. nobody really answered her question, and i dont think anybody even realised she was asking one. so i decided to answer something that had to do with malthusian theory and wdv whatnot and suddenly the LT was clapping for me. haha. i felt really smart at that lecture. the problem with being ahead of your work, i feel, is that lecs become abit boring because theres nothing new to learn, so to speak. which is why i felt abit evil at the humans econs lec today when some question was answered wrongly. i actually thought it was funny - which is rather strange since im usually doing all the wrong-answering, and i assure you it isnt funny when you answer a question wrongly infront of an LT.
jingsong commented to me that i taught my sec ones how to pose really well. suddenly that remark seems so amusing. hes right in a sense that my sec ones have grown up alot since orientation a year ago. theyre all young men now, and some of them are really vulgar. which is quite a turn-off when you think about it. anyway, when brandon, this rugger amongst them, commented that i dyed my hair, i duly informed him that you can do this sort of thing in rj, and all the kids looked rather thrilled at the prospect. i think i probably said the wrong thing. i shall keep in mind that i should make amends by duly informing them that they are destined for a white slip should they discolour their hair.
hmm okay i ran out of random musings. ill be back.
whee_
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tmrs math lecture seems manageable. the tutorial as well. ummm. okay im really tired out by jus abt everything. later.
sigh. youll always be perfect to me.
whee_
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im very tired alrd. jus to be brief, tomorrow is a very stupid day. there are no lessons but i think i shall go for S03W's econs and math lecs. today i met a whole buncha juniors at the rj canteen.. like, kevin philbert walter. in alphabetical order. ummm. i went back to ri to see more juniors. like.. okay all the debaters basically. and i saw ms tang's new hairdo, which i thought was pretty nice.
i learnt many things about junyi today and vice versa. today was realy enriching in that sense. alone time with your friends can do wonders. you suddenly feel a though you never really knew them at all before. wish i ahd more time like this for all the people that i always wished i knew better.
i need to redo my math tutorial. its very untidy.
whee_
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hmm. everyone seems to have posted more or less about orientation. i feel so late when everyones so punctual. err.. i think orientation can be summarised in a few sentences. well, basically, it was great and ennaux was great and dexuan and jojoy were great and everything was more or less great. you can go to shummies blog to see a whole list of memories that the whole OG will take away with them - the list being non-exhaustive of course. the only thing that was kinda disappointing was, curiously, O-night, because of the rain and all. but its awrite, cos we turned it into something funny by eating pizza at the busstop. haha.
but enough about orientation - suffice to say it was really a great experience with a wonderful OG and fantabulous OGLs who are so frickin nice and wonderrific. i spent the whole weekend sleeping and recuperating from the whole experience. it did get more and more tiring as the days went by, so by the time it was saturday, i'm sure most of us were half dead anyway.
today..
i came to school and had a mini emergency because i noticed that jus about everyone i knew who had dyed their hair in a very obvious manner during the hols, had dyed it back to a healthy, and more importantly, passable jet black. so i was rather afraid that i was going to be alone with my yet undyed hair. thank god however, that that wasn't the case. and so i survived another day without a white slip. i must admit i was rather surprised everyone who did bother, dyed it black though. i thought theyd jus be like me and dye it a darker shade of brown. of course, unlike me, they should not have neglected to check how much darker this shade truly is.
chem lec was very funny and boring. it was nothing new and the lecture basically revolved around 'what is a mole' and other circa secthree anecdotes. the lecturer was very lame though. geog lec.. wasn't really a lec since there was only 11 of us. econs lec was funny! im so glad jamie reeves is 1A13A's FT cos he's absolutely hilarious.
i spent the afternoon stoning and playing bridge w a bunch of debaters, in the hut beside moor boarding house, under the incessant patter of the rain. we really have no lives. when your days end at one pm, you resort the the most useless things to do to occupy yourself. then i went home and slept. so thats monday. tomorrow theres math lec. i cant wait.
whee_
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hello!
lets start from sunday. i spent the day dyeing my hair and learning the shazaea. my hair has graduated from a bronze/brown hybrid with silver highlights to a red/brown hybrid with metallic red and bronze highlights. so why did i bother to dye it anyway? to make it darker. thats so stupid, i know. but it didnt occur to me that nobody would really care anyway, so i really wasted a bunch of time and money. hence im rather sad. but its quite inane to be saddened over such things.
shazaea is hard. well.. the freestyler parts are rather challenging. im so glad i had the time, and the sense to go learn it first, seeing how its gonna take a long time for the selffars to pick it up (i think). then again we have the whole afternoon, and i took just as long. well see how it goes tomorrow.
i kinda like my og. its a very fascinating mix of people, its very amusing. i dont know why, but yeah, i love ennaux, as cheesy and stupid as it sounds. okay love is too strong. i just like my og very very much. of course id love to make some changes, but theyll only make me love ennaux more. okay, that was highly random and incomprehensible. whatever. im not thinking very clearly tonight.
saw so many people today.. it was kinda nice. i missed everyone alot so it was really wonderful to see all my friends back together again - and to ad on to that fact making new friends too. its quite a cool experience, the whole magic of orientation. yeah. sigh. itll end soon anyway, just like all good things. that, i shall keep in mind, as always.
juniors leaving for obs tomorrow. im sad. it reminds me of the time when i was younger, more foolish and more ready to believe in things just because they pleased me, even though it may not make sense, or if it was doubtful to last in the long run. it reminds me of when i was idealistic and it actually was fine, because i could safely indulge in it. like eating chocolate mousse in the dark, far away from the weighing scale and calorie-counters. that so did not make sense. yeah anyway.
its exactly a year since the worst decision of my life. i will never forget, and ill never let you.
whee_
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