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Copyright © vy
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Monday, February 28, 2005
i absolutely despise my parents right now - just because i dont show it doesnt mean i dont feel anything about my results and that i dont feel affected. it doesnt fucking mean i dont fucking feel anything okay, because i do. and it hurts so bad. how can you even say that its me being arrogant just because i dont want to discuss my results? how could you not even try to understand that the only person ive truly failed is myself? how can you not try to feel what i feel - when i see the very people ive helped get thru their o levels do well in the subjects that i tried my very best to help in while i find that my own results are unsatisfactory? how can you not try to understand the intense regret that i feel for everything that ive done with my life in ri?
how can you just say that its because im overconfident? how can my own father not see the pain in my eyes as i look away from my results slip? doesnt anybody even realise how much it fucking hurts?
where were all of you the last time i hurt badly? where were you the last time i bothered to open up? you just called it 'assholic behaviour' and expect me to be fine with it? those were my fucking feelings for godssakes, and you dare label it as something so derogatory, something so vile and disgusting, just because you could never understand what i was going through, much less make an fucking effort to figure out what i truly felt? did anybody really ever sympathise? where were you the last time it burned? why should i bother telling you how much today has hurt me? you'llnever understand. you'll never want to understand.
i hate the way you look down on me - as though i was a creature deserving of pity because i did not turn out the way the rest of your sons did. i hate the way you judge me inside your head, behind those deepset eyes, thinking - theres something wrong with that boy. i hate the way all of you judge me - as though you knew me better than myself, as though you could understand everything i felt and have gone through and thus have the right to say whatever they want to say - to slap a fucking label across my fucking head and make me wear the band on my sleeve as though it was my fault that everything turned out the way it did and everywhere i go, i hear whispers - WHISPERS - fingerpointing and eyes darting from side to side, i hear rumours about myself, stories that ive never even dreamt of, i learn that im this and im that and that im everything i never knew i was. and i learn, most of all, how much it hurts when you try so hard to wipe the slate clean but teh fucking mistakes refuse to fucking rub off! out damn spot out i say!
someday ill pay everything back - someday - every single fucking cent anybody has ever given me. every single fucking thing ive ever taken from anyone, ill pay it twice over. ill show all of you that i can do it, that i can get somewhere and be somebody. ill prove it. ill do it and ill prove it. ill show you. eli eli lama sabachthani? ill show you too, that i can get there on my own. then maybe someday youll understand, then maybe someday all of you will understand, and then maybe -just maybe - things will change. this is all so tiring, but when i succeed it will be all thanks to me, and ill make sure everyone knows that.
to those who bothered today - thanks for everything okay. i truly appreciate the concern. and when its all said and done, its these things that keep me alive.
whee_
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i need you now, please?
there is no god.
whee_
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sigh. i miss alot of people. i miss being happy inside and out, and not happy for the moment - nay, none of that fleeting satisfaction. i miss never having to think of whether i have anybody to turn to, i miss needing only one person to satisfy all my needs. i miss having such a person. i miss never wanting more out of life, because i already had it all. i miss being able to laugh at myself and not feel as though i'm always at a loss. i miss feeling at the top of the world, because truly, i meant the world to somebody who meant the world to me. i miss being able to be completely honest with someone, and having people confide in me with no reservations. i miss being able to not be mean just to assert myself or try to make myself feel better than those around me. i miss not wanting to win everything because i want so bad to delude myself into thinking that ive lost nothing over the last year. i miss not having to care about so many little things that bother me so much nowadays. i miss being able to look into somebody's eyes and tell them i love them without feeling guilty and ashamed all at once.
actually i dont know what i miss for sure, except that i sure do miss you. sigh. nevermind.
to everyone, all the best for tomorrow. god bless.
whee_
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hey - just a reminder to everyone involved in saturday that you guys did a fantastic job and though we didn't win, have faith in the fact that we did very well against whatever irritating odds. hope this experience remains in our hearts forever as we grow old and look fondly upon what we have left behind.
very randomly, these are the things ill take away from dfeste'05:
rewriting the script at least 287623476348 times
having extended chats with hadri smriti matin wooch at cafecartel about what to do regarding the script
discussing eyebrows with nasty
ponning school to write saturday
coming to school in the afternoons for rehearsal and trying to avoid all the teachers too
not succeeding in avoiding the teachers, well, not entirely
falling asleep during lessons due to fatigue
really falling sick on judging night itself
having prata at thompson with the cast of saturday and toy story at goodness knows what time after judging
the stupid pratamen who couldnt take orders promptly
sending hadri back thru old tampines road so many times
taking a lift from matin's car
sharing cabs home with mikeQ and dropping nasty off along the way
ho ya hor drinking sessions at liyana's
taking publicity shots at liyana's
almost staying over at liyana's because i didnt have a key to go home
thanking my lucky stars afterwards that my brother had the keys
bernie lending me his gorgeous tee - thanks!
derrick lending me his wonderful airforceones - thanks too!
lamenting to vaish how i needed tickets but i couldn't get them
being petulant haha
getting told that my script would flop and get nowhere because it was doomed to fail and it was lousy
shopping at fareast for the cast's clothes
choosing earrings for the two bimbos who btw are so fricking brilliant!
finding a pair of pants for chengchai aka clifton at this fashion, where the stupid woman promptly asked if it
was for me
finding pandora pek's pants there too, along with her butch belt somewhere along the way
laughing at this silly lady who was selling ugly ties but was selfdelusional
laughing with hadri at this pair of ten dollar boots
buying my boardshorts a size too small if i might add at flashnsplash
listening to clifton and his rendition of think of me
teaching whoopi wee random malay phrases
laughing with thea about certain individuals
picking up the word 'random' from nasty
listening to kellys's brilliant piano playing
listening to karl attempt to play the piano and singing along
getting chased outta ri when rehearsing there
calling mr otto fong a few times asking for permission to rehearse in ri
hearing about how navjote got scolded for the tables and chairs that we had stacked neatly near the atrium becuase the classrooms were locked and we couldnt very well break in to replace the furniture
having to rush off for chingay a few nights in a row
learning we were on national telly
learning that someone wrote in to complain about us - haha
laughing at how strange pandora looked in goth
conceptualising pandora's tee which said vonbutch
admiring whoopi's and liyana's eye makeup
taking two million photos with everyone on each performance night
okays thats what i can regurgitate for the moment - will add to it in the time to come
meanwhile, im very afraid.
whee_
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i feel a social responsibility to blog, so i shall. to all the other facs, well done. thanks to everyone who came down to support : too many names here but you know who you are - thanks for the flowers, sunflowers, daisies, and mango. thanks to walter for lending me his cam for two nights and sorry for dropping i off the table (and screaming in horror afterwards). thanks also kwan rui for his tennis rackets, and the ripb whose rackets i still havent returned. and sorry to the teachers for ponning so many days of school to write the script. to everyone that made saturday happen : thank you, we're forever grateful.
dramafest.
in summary, hadri won best actor as calamariah and i won best script. xinling of med2 won best actress and tanuj of engine won best director, and his play was judges best play too. i've no feelings other than those you'd already expect me to have. guess im supposed to be consoled by the fact that booth thought it would never have even gotten of the ground and look what happened - it won best script. but i dont feel anything. im just happy for hadri. he did an awesome job tonight and yesterday too. everyone was absolutely phenomenal. shumin liyana and samjo got special mentions too and our ensemble which included chengchai and yingsze and yam was praised as well. i think we did a pretty kickass job. special thanks also go to kelly our director and nasty the production manager, not to forget thea keisha denise clara our makeup people and mikeQ & uni our stage managers. jo and magdelene our publicity people and navjote & nash our stage crew, thanks as well.
can't believe it's over.
i've been missing too much school.
results coming on monday - scared. very scared. dont know how ill deal with disappointments so close together - assuming there is going to be one on monday, which is almost certain anyway, looking at my brilliant track record.
sad to learn that hullett's third for TnF and our winning tradition will be discontinued. this will hopefully change of course.
im really tired. cant deal with myself right now. goodbye. sigh. and i love you too. you know that right?
whee_
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im so tired. i want more work, i want more things to do, i want to lose myself in all my responsibilities like i once could - and yet i know that i cant simply because i dont have that much energy to do everything anymore. i feel so lifeless nowadays just trudging here and there not being able to do everything with as much energy as i used to be able to. im really so tired now. my whole body randomly aches now and then, and for today its my calves and feet. im stuck with the script still, so thats not much of a consolation either. and chingays actually beginning to give me a headache. and school begins next week. and im going to be unreasonably busy from next week onwards - theres too much to be done with the little energy ive left. this is damn fricking irritating. i want more work, i want more time. i want to do everything.
let me, wont you?
im off to bintan then.
whee_
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i miss su wee and su vien!
its sad sending people off.. even though sometimes you know theyre going to return. the distance really gets to you after awhile. and often you begin to wonder - who's going to leave next? in the next few years time ill be sending so many people off - thankfully at least, theres the chance to bid goodbye. its when you lose that chance that loss just eats at you. ohwell. im going to miss you two. dont forget to come home soon.
on a seperate note - i read S' blog. rather interesting i must say, and mainly because it made me think a little - surprisingly. i dont think S is wrong to want to look good and be popular - it gets rid of some problems. sometimes i wonder as well if tts all tt there is to life. and i guess that its true, more or less. i mean, if you think about it, looking good and being popular will get you to just about anywhere you need to go.
this is of course where people start talking about god and whateverwhatnotetcetc. but if you really think about it, all that doesn't really matter right now, not when we're alive. its stuff thats real and tangible tt really counts for now. and seriously - anyone can get close to god if they want to, and anyone can get 10A1s if they worked really hard for it, but things like looking good? its either you have it or you don't, and for now, that will remain that.
whee_
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im very irritated by my parents who always assume that just because im using the computer, it means that ive been using for at least 38476772 hours and that its contributing $978623694 to the electricity bill. its ridiculous, honestly. they always scold me when im on the com yet they dont do that when other people are on the com. and they also forget that i wont be home in time to use the net tonight because im sending su wee & su vien off. and they also conviniently forget that we wont be home over the weekend, thanks to brilliant bintan. which i have to skip rehearsal to go for. i mean, honestly - give me a break lah. and when im using they always shut the net off by midnight, but when my bro's using, just because he uses it on his laptop in his room and they dont see it, they occasionally leave on. and when there is a rise in the electricity bill, its presumablymy fault. what rubbish. i dont ever use past midnight - in fact i dont get a bloody chance to do that, and suddenly its all my fucking fault.
whatthehell. this is such a spoiler for the day. and theres still people to send off to australia. man. its all so fast really. i cant believe ive known them for what - two months and it seems as though we've been pals since forever. i guess loss teaches us all to treasure what we have before its gone and its too late. but is loss the only tool powerful enough to make sure people treasure others before they lose the chance to do so? somehow im inclined to believe that that's half true. im gonna miss su wee and su vien loads when theyre gone. i mean - i always thought the day theyd have to go will always be far away and then suddenly wham! its here.
i guess im just glad theyll b back soon enough in april, where hopefully life will find all of us in a better state and doing well for a change. theyre not the only people to have gone this year - wonder who's next. will it be me?
whee_
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i actually felt like blogging something nice, long and meaningful, but i decided i cant. its always like that - when i finally get down to this screen i realise i dont really have much to say.
whee_
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go then. it'll be just as though you were never here anyway. it's the same - don't you think so? i do. don't make it any harder than it already is.
whee_
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esplanade is really beautiful at night. the view across the bay - lit by the facade of the Fullerton. it looked absolutely gorgeous as usual. there were so many couples arm in arm, nestled in the warmth of each other, looking absolutely in love, just sitting on the edge of the bank. its hard not to feel alone - when all you see are people walking in pairs, sitting close together in the dark. its like noah's ark all over again.
i learnt a little about myself today. im losing alot of people. and im watching it all unfold before me - because im tired of holding on. i want a new life that i cannot get. the past is catching up very quickly - and its not as though i can do anything about it. its the past, and sometimes, people just wont let go of it.
i guess im getting tired of treading water.
whee_
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guess i was to eager and desperate to believe that somewhere deep inside there was this part of you that would bother. that would treasure and remember me while i was still around. must something bad really happen before people change? nobody wants to be forgotten. sometimes it really isnt a choice is it?
whee_
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