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Saturday, March 26, 2005
HEY!
its tim to move on and i did! i moved to http://shibbyeh.blogspot.com
see ya there!
whee_
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things i did today:
- lotsa food at samar
- shisha : vanilla and strawberry
- margaritas & shirley temples (as hadri would approve of its nonalcoholicness)
- poledancing!
err yeah well anw thanks to hadri matin smriti timng james russell kevin for coming today and making my day impossible to forget. special thanks for the watch kevin! its really nice. haha okok tts all for now. be right back.
whee_
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hey -
to everyone, thanks so much for all your concern and prayers, im absolutely grateful for it all. the last two days have been such an emotional rollercoaster and i truly havent felt another time when i relt more wanted and loved and needed by all those around me. thanks fo much for making me feel that i truly belonged at rjc and im really glad that im back to spend my next two years wearing the badge DAMN FRICKING proudly on my pocket. thanks for making 02 such a great experience for me simply because i wanted to much to be a part of it and everyone was so supportive of me during this time - its been really really great to have so much backing from all you people.
offhand and very quickly - ive a feeling ill mis out some names here as i always do, by accident - id like to thank in no particular order: pek junyi hadri matin smriti samjo chengchai navjote dani danial just huiwen liyana joshualee matthewlee jessica timng timyam hazmi yowie chere junsheng shang velda bridget charles walter rahul shawnchua msquah mrsperry mrreeves mrmcconnell mrsjasbirkoh mdmmasayu shummie shuting debra bernasty markbutch therbo yvonne russell hongyue krithin kennethlim amin gwenlyn melissa weishyuan mikeq kat sarahsmith clarissa..
and whoever else i missed out on that ill add on to the list soon. to all of you abovenamed - youve made a difference to my life that ill never forget. thank you so much for everything.
and to those that did not make it.. sigh. i dont know what to say i guess. its all so bittersweet. i had a very different vision on rj in my mind. im really miserable that it turned out otherwise.. i wish i could express how i really felt losing so many of my friends to different places, but i cant do that adequately for now. i guess we should all take comfort in the fact taht we all met in the first place and im so glad we befriended each other - and ill miss you guys with all my heart. sigh. i wish there was another way.. i really do. i love you guys, all of you, and nothings will change that anytime soon.
whee_
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sigh. i spent so much time building this life that i have right now - it is to much to give up without one helluva fight. im not sure what else i can do right now. hoping and praying isnt my strongest suit. fuck everything because im just so angry. i dont know what else to say already. but please, i cannot not make it back to rjc. i cannot. ill kill for this, please.
whee_
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acks i originally intended to post properly but no thanks to MATIN *ahemahem* who generously corrupted my train of thought several times i am left with no choice but to blog tomorrow. gah! oh, thats my birthday, by the way.
whee_
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i just watched a really sad episode of qaf. so - bad mood now.
hmmm. not sure what to say. but i guess i wished youd open up to me more, instead of letting me keep trying to get to know you properly but to no avail. i wish youd try to understand sometimes the things ive to put myself through to tell you all those things - to let you know just about everything there worth knowing. you know ive given you everything ive got - and all i really asked for in return is for you to trust me, and treat me the way i treat you. ive given up many things along the way for this friendship and i feel it getting no better - i mean it would be fine if we were properly close and stuff, but we arent, and we both recognise that. theres nothing i know about you - and it makes me feel so insecure.
but thats abt all that i have to say really. theres nothing left to talk about. between you and i, everyday i come by and tell you how things went for teh past 12 hours and all you tell me is nothing. and something happened today. sigh. what was it? why wont you just speak to me for a change instead of keep all these things in the dark? why wont you let me feel wanted and needed for once? like i could be of some use to you for a change. just that small feeling of accomplishment - thats all i ask really. i guess i have to leave you alone. it can only be for the better anyway.
maybe you'll notice me only when im gone.
whee_
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im so FUCKING pissed with myself.
whee_
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newsflash - parents arent in till saturday because theyre in JB. semi-hurray.
that aside happy birthday joshua & matthew! 17 on the 17th is a good way to go =)
now THAT aside - i just finished watching another three episodes of qaf! so that brings me to episode 6: where alot has happened. well, enough has happened anyway, and if not for my rather tired eyes i foresee myself watching a couple more before calling it a night. sadly, the bed's a-calling. but anyway - qaf is REALLY interesting. like - REALLY. and i think the scripts really witty and hilarious - so many intelligent one-liners you cant keep up. well, almost. that said, its a good time to start watching qaf, you know will all the rubbish with balaji in the papers and stuff. although the portrayals in qaf are bordering on being far-fetched, all the same, its fairly engaging and seriously quite something youd never have seen before - well, not unexpectedly of course. theyre never going to show a thing like this over here - again, not unexpectedly. just make sure you dont watch it until everyones more or less NOT going to spring up behind you and demand what you're watching.
i guess ive plenty to say about what actually goes on in the show and stuff - i mean, theres seriously ALOT to say, but tonights not the night. i did the episodes back to back so i wouldnt have much time to think about them so.. YEAH. no thinking till the next time i pay this place a visit. qaf!
anyway - today turned out differently from what i had originalyl intended it to be like. some days i wish id just shut myself up at home and bury my head in my books. today was like one of those days, when all you want to do is be alone by yourself because theres nothing outside that door. or at least, nothing entirely worth it anyway. you know - you give so much of yourself to people that you find that theres none left to take care of yourself.
(my brother just popped out of the room telling me to go to sleep - i saw the light on in his room and i thought that he had been awake all this while bu -voila! he wasnt and suddenly, VERY suddenly, he popped back to life and told me to like, buzz off. which ill do soon enough, assuredly.)
well, yes. sometimes, you spend so much time getting to know people that you forget who you are. you just want to be perfect, you want to be everyone else but yourself. and sometimes.. just sometimes. that may not be so bad after all.
nites.
whee_
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ok. its sunday night already - the next week is almost here. theres O2 to go for, among other things, and theres spongebob to catch, uniform to purchase, new shoes to buy, essays to do. this week is going to be a very busy week, as always, but busier than usual.
today passed by very quickly - not surprisingly. slept till one (surprisesurprise!) and did some housework here and there. slept in the afternoon. oh i ate alot today! terrible. but not as terrible as my mobile, which im going to bitch about now.
i hate my phone! the stupid 5-way scroll thingy doesnt work properly and this is the one thing that has been pissing the shit outta me all week. i cant message properly! i cant even read msges cos the stupid scrollthing has a life of its own and scrolls around the options by itself and sometimes it deletes msges even before i get to read them. i cant even scroll the phonebook because when i press up it goes down when i press left it goes somewheer else - you get the idea. i swear im going to get myself a new phone asap. which is why i asked russell if i cud borrow his upgrade cos i can only upgrade in june, which is really far too long for me to want to wait really. gah. i hate my phone. why cant it work like normal phones!!! GAH.
smritis party! okay. it was really good im so proud of us for throwing it! haha. it was really fun and watching shutter was really freaky and screaming was really liberating. anw jus for the record happy bday smrit! hope you had as great a time as we all hope you did.
ive been blogsurfing excessively lately, even reading into ppls archives. i think its so interesting to see how people have changed over time, and to be able to realise that thru the way they write. its particularly interesting hen it comes to the friends that ive made in jc, cos i get to see how they were like before i met them and how they are right now. some ppl have raelly changed ALOT. really fascinating to see how we all have grown.
jay chous damn good.
whee_
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hi. happy belated birthday. ive a headache. theres no point sticking around - things wont change tonight. its late. too late indeed.
oh i jus rmbed - hullett didnt win track n field this year. broke the fine tradition of winning. i rmb how anxious i was last year at TnF, wondering if everything went well. and i rmb being so excited that we won by like stupendous amounts, again, and most of all feeling relieved that i didnt lose the trophy in the end. i didnt want to be known as The One Who Lost Track & Field.
but.. well. we lost it all the same. i felt rather disappointed all the same, since i was more or less the only captain who bothered to come back - initially anyway. and i felt very lost to say the least - the house seemed quite a mess. and i guess it culminated in getting third in the end . pretty sad stuff - there wasnt even a chance to do my cheer! the one tt everyone forgot i created AND the one tt won us best cheer last year. pah.
i do like the house teeshirt all the same - just wish that not only the design was a winner for hullett. sigh. i dont know why but i think im excessively attached to stuff like that when i really shouldnt. oh well. i feel very sad tt i cuddnt make some sort of victory speech of sorts. theres nothing won. its first or nothing. nobody remembers the losers.
nobody remembers the losers.
whee_
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i just finished doing the gp essay on advertising. now theres prac crit to do - and all this has been delayed because i have had too many things to think about, and i had to do my prac crit notes too. i actually finished most of them, which is such a pleasant surprise. today has been rather fruitless all the same - wish id done more with whatever time i had. i actually came home before the sun was down and that means about 7pm and ive not done sufficiently enough to merit some sleep.
listening to blink 182s i miss you now. its ben on replay since dont know when. ive grown to like this song alot for some reason - the song itselfs the voice inside my head. i cant really describe why its nice. it just is. not the way how mariahs nice, but theres got to be something special with the song that makes me play it over and over again right. its curious that ive had the song on the com for so long without knowing it too. oh well. i like the lyrics. yeah. now i know why ive done so little work. im spending most of my time pausing to reflect on whats being sung and thinking to myself how this applies to which part of my life and why.
ive been thinking alot lately - as i always do. i miss being able to talk - yu were always my closest companion in a sense that there was nothing i didnt tell yu or felt like i couldnt tell yu. looking back i dont know why i opened up so much. maybe i did that in the hope that yu might include me in yur life too somehow, by sharing in some things with me, by letting me feel as though i was special that i was someone in your life. but in the end, im just another person, im just another friend. sigh. and the worst thing is that i never did realise that for sure till a few days back - and by then its too late to take everything back. i wonder if this is just a passing phase. i wonder.. alot.
won't yu come home and stop this pain tonight?
whee_
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gp compre has been such a nightmare - i swear that doing pieces of work such as this will kill me one day. its just so tiring to keep thinking all the time! how does one do that! goodness. so now im moving on to this prac crit thingy - which is another matter altogether because brilliant me lost all my frickin prac crit notes that i made last year and was so proud of. so now im at a complete loss and i have to read up on all the technical stuff all over again etcetc. where are the notes!! damn you practical criticism!
on another note. council briefing thingy was today - and it was quite a terrible affair. ms lui went thru the guidelines for attire check and goodlord i failed nearly all of them. its time to get many things changed about me. crap. it was really tragic lah, by the time she finished speaking i wasnt sure where to hide myself. but never fear - i'll get down to dyeing my hair AGAIN etcetc. i swear i dyed it back but the fricking thing is fading and my hair seems to be getting browner by the day. really unfair. not like i didnt try.
theres math CT coming - totally unprepared. ms lui expects a C. lets hope we all get that at the very least somehow. i really cant afford to give more reason to be kicked outta humans or something sinister like that. you know, every night i wonder what went wrong and i never do really get a definite answer. shrug. tonights too young to think about such things for now.
today yam and hazmi were talking about what S papers each intended to do - and then i realised that we all had very big dreams and wishes for ourselves. that the fatal flaw of people like us is that they plan so much for the future that the present is neglected to some extent. after the disappointment that was the O's im not sure what i should wish for in two years time, and what exactly should i work towards.
already i have too many things to do - having more than one thing going on at the same time? its beginning to start now. i guess im glad that ive something to do all the time. i like being busy.
all that aside, being busy reminds me of you. still busy, still far too busy to think about me and how i feel. its quite intruiging how i feel much less now - more of resignation than anything else at all really. i guess the finality of what yu said - it really hit me hard and i feel the blow each time i sit in bed and think, about life, about my friends, about you. about each one of you.
if theres one thing im grateful for, its for the people i can count on, and the poeple who count on me.
whee_
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When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
I can make it through the rain
And I stand up once again
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain
(Yes you can)
You will make it through the rain
i always thought the song was cheesy in some way or other - not just because its by mariah BY THE WAY - but because i was sick of those inspirational song types that were supposed to work (subversively or otherwise) but didn't have much effect. that said, since the song is by mariah, it's obviously nice. and it makes alot of sense to me. lotsa things have been happening this whole week. it's much too tiring to elaborate and make a big fuss about - there really is no point.
anyway - congrats to everyone who did really well and stuff - im sure yu deserved every bit of it. this applies for O's and A's - well done dudes. hmm. i also learnt this week that i was really very very tired with many things and that ive had more than enough of abuse in several ways - so i need to get myself out of this frickin rut somehow. and ive had enough of talking about doing something about my life - its about time i actually do something about it all.
and thats the single most important change thats been overdue in my life. ive realised how unreliable human relationships are unreliable. yu give so much to some people who just throw it all away. and those who give alot to yu - yu fail to notice them. it's sad how things usually turn out that way but it does. we cant see how things are going to turn out - humans are so unpredictable. at least in terms of work if we work hard we can almost be sure we can do well - but who's to say the person yu give yur all to isn't going to be the person that hurts yu the most as well?
theres no point saying any more. what's important is that it's time to get wise about the things i do and the company i keep - and ill never forget what i heard some time back : never love a love that hurts, and never hurt a love that loves. dont anyone ever forget that.
whee_
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and slowly, i feel the distance between us growing. and one day.. just one day. i dont know. sigh.
its time to return to school. dont know where im going to put my face. as long as i can hide from that accusing reflection in the mirror i guess ill be alright. oh dear. dont know how itll feel like going back to school. tomorrow promises to be a strange day.
thanks. everyone.
whee_
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